


Helped me in my darkest hour (Jerrie)

by Wellval13



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 85,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28161072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wellval13/pseuds/Wellval13
Summary: Jade is in a dark place. Her boyfriend abuses her and there is only one way for her to get out of this misery: Being saved by her knight in shining armor, which turns out to be Perrie- her very own band member. Jade cannot remember what it feels like to be happy and free- going from countless performances and interviews back into a toxic home. Will the girls notice this ongoing tragedy before it is too late?I want to warn you right away: This is a very dark and explicit fic. If you don't feel comfortable reading about topics like rape, domestic violence, suicidal ideation, homophobia, self-harm.. then I advice you to not read this fic.Please forgive me any grammar/spelling mistakes as I will probably end up writing most of this fic at like 2am (and I am not a native speaker either). I would be happy for any comments, suggestions.. I will try to update as much as possible depending on your guys' response and my time!This will definitely be a slow developing story focusing much on Jade's psyche. But there will be no lack of drama!For now, enjoy this fic. This is my first Jerrie fanfiction and I am really excited about this project.I do not own any of the pictures included, songs mentioned...
Relationships: Perrie Edwards/Jade Thirlwall
Comments: 46
Kudos: 75





	1. 1-How it all started

Chapter 1- How it all started

Jade POV

I don’t know how it even came this far. Everything started out so well. Jed and I were happy. We were Jade and Jed- the perfect couple. I love…d Jed. Jed loves me. And suddenly this happy fairytale turned into a nightmare full of anxiety, hiding and violence. Right now I am lying under the blanket of my bed hiding. I have tears in my eyes, I feel a fluent substance on my lips, I am not even sure anymore whether it’s blood or my tears. There’s too much blood and too many tears. I hear a buzzing sound in my ear, I think it’s from the hit Jed gave me against the side of my head. It could also be from his yelling. Right now the buzzing is all I hear, I am not sure if this is better or hearing him shout. I wonder how things could have ended up like this. All the love turned into hate. All the trust into fear. I don’t know the exact course things took. All I know that it started on a Saturday morning…

Narrator

Jade and the girls finally finished their upcoming album LM5, today they recorded the last song for the album. The girls and the entire team behind them were very relieved. There has been a lot of stress in the last week as the publishing date came closer and closer and they were still running short on songs. But now all the stress is over and they could calmly enjoy a night out. Simon invited the girls and the entire team to a night out. They could go out partying in all clubs and pubs they wanted and Simon would cover their bill. Great deal. That’s what they did, all four girls had lots of fun and were happy to drink away all of their worries and forget for one night all the upcoming pressure and stress that was related to promoting and releasing an album. The girls were already very drunk and also tired due to the lack of sleep they suffered in the last nights, that’s why the girls took a cab and decided to head home. First was Leigh-Anne to get off, Andre came to the cab and carried her into the flat like a knight in shining amour. Then Perrie and Jesy left, the two lived together since Jesy broke up with her boyfriend and decided to move out. As Perrie was living alone, she offered Jesy to move in, which she did and now they are not just band- but also roommates. Jade was the last to get off, she stumbled towards the door and tried to unlock it, it took her solid 3 minutes until she was able to put the key into the lock and open the door. She was really drunk. When she finally managed to get in, she giggled and held herself at the door while she closed it and put off her shoes. She was surprised when she noticed that light was still burning, even more surprised when she turned around and saw Jed sitting on the couch. She guessed he must have fallen asleep, so Jade tried to sneak as quietly as possible towards the bathroom but heard a grumble when she passed him.  
She turned around and whispered “Jed, honey, are you still awake?”, she heard another grumble and slowly walked back into the living room, cautiously to not trip as she could barely walk straight anymore.  
“Why are you still awake?” she mumbled a second time and had to focus hardly in order to speak more or less clearly.  
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he grumbled again.  
She saw he had a beer bottle in his hand and spoke quite slurry as well which made her deducting that he had a fun night as well.  
“Come babe, let’s go to sleep” Jade tried to take away his bottle but he pulled it away.  
“Aye.. whatcha doin?”  
“Jed, let’s go to bed”  
“No, tell me what you did?” he slurred.  
“What do you mean? What I did..?” Jade asked confused.  
Jed laughed disgusted “Look at you.. you look like whore”.  
Even though Jade was drunk and could not think straight herself anymore, still she was hurt by his words. She looked at herself and wondered why he said that and then she just decided that he was drunk and tired and she was drunk and tired and he probably didn’t mean it like that.  
“You know what, I’ll just go to bed” Jade shook her head and turned away to walk off.  
Suddenly Jed grabbed her wrist then he let the bottle fall on the ground. Jade shivered by the loud sound of the glass breaking and his tight grip.  
“You tell me now! Did you cheat on me with some other guy?” he insisted.  
Jade couldn’t believe what he was talking about “No, I didn’t. Why would think that?”.  
“Cause you look like a slut” he laughed again.  
Jade looked down “Stop saying that”.  
From his laughing manner into an aggressive, he suddenly grabbed her waist tighter and leaned towards her “You don’t tell me what to do”.  
Jade touched his arm softly and tried to remove his strong grip “Jed… you’re hurting me” she whispered.  
“I am hurting you??” he laughed  
“You hurt me by going out with your friends, flirting with other guys and showing them your body” he hissed.  
“I asked you and you said it was okay for me to go” Jade answered.  
“You stupid bitch. You don’t get anything!!” he stood up and screamed at her.  
All of the sudden Jade was not as drunk anymore, a tear fell down her eye as her mind cleared up and she was fully aware of what was happening and what he was saying.  
“Stop crying! You look ridiculous” he shook his head angrily.  
Jade tried to loosen herself out of Jed’s grip “Please just leave me alone. We’ll just talk tomorrow, when we can both think clearer”.  
Jed held onto Jade, which made her lean back and pull harder and him holding her tighter. Then suddenly he let go off her and she crashed into the table behind her. She fell onto the table and then crashed to the ground into the broken pieces of Jed’s beer bottle. She looked at her hand which was full of blood but couldn’t find a wound, then she touched her face and could reason that this was the source of the bleeding.  
Jed winced and put his hands on his head “Oh my gosh babe, I am so sorry” he could not believe what just happened.  
He touched Jade’s arm but she pulled away.  
“Darling. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it this way… I don’t know what I was doing. Please let me help you” he said upset.  
He pulled Jade up who looked just as shocked and wasn’t able to speak. He led her into the bathroom and cleaned her face with a tissue, the he put a band-aid on her wound and led her to the bed. During all of this Jade didn’t say a word, her face and mind were just empty. She laid down in the bed and Jed laid behind her and put his arms around her. Soon Jed fell asleep but Jade continued staring into the dark for the next hours. The next day Jed behaved like nothing happened, in contrast, he was very friendly. He made breakfast and the two spent the day on the couch watching tv. Jade was not as talkative and happy as usually but Jed didn’t bother to point it out.  
On Monday Jade met with the girls and their management to plan the promotion of the album. The girls noticed the cut above Jade’s eye right away.  
“Hey what happened to your face” asked Jesy boldly.  
“Ehm… I guess I just tripped during my jag…” Jade tried to laugh it off.  
Luckily the girls bought it and laughed.  
“Well.. glad you made it home tho.. we were all so wasted” interjected Leigh-Anne, making all the girls nod in agreement.


	2. 2-Stop me

Trigger warning: strong language, violence

Chapter 2- Stop me

Narrator  
Their manager had a long talk about what the promotion will look like and named all the shows where they would perform at “So there will be performances of Woman Like Me on James Corden, Alan Carr and BBC Live Lounge this week and then next week you’ll perform on…” at this point Jade had already stopped listening.  
Jade thought about all that happened on Saturday. She started to question whether she really dressed to provokingly or if she said something wrong. Then she heard Jed shout at her again. She shook her head, why is she even so bothered by it.. like nothing happened. It was just an accident, she told herself.  
She got ripped out of her thoughts when Perrie poked her finger in her arm “Jade?”  
Jade quickly looked up, everyone was already gone except for the four girls of them.  
“Ehm.. sorry, what did I miss?” she asked apologizing.  
“Nothing. We are just finished.. did you plan on sitting here all day?” answered Perrie.  
“Oh okay. Then see you tomorrow guys” Jade stood up and grabbed her stuff from the table.  
The girls looked even more confused at Jade now.  
“Did you not listen at all?” Jesy laughed.  
“Of course I did!” insisted Jade.  
“Then you know for sure that we have dance practice for the performances now” said Jesy convinced by Jade’s statement.  
“Yes, I know that” Jade laughed.   
“I was just joking” she added.  
The girls looked at each other and shook the head. Jesy and Leigh-Anne walked out and were already laughing again about something Jesy said. Perrie looked at Jade raising an eyebrow. When Jade wanted to follow them, Perrie put a hand on her shoulder.  
“Wait a moment, babe”  
“Sure. What is it, Pez?” Jade put on a fake smile.  
“Is something wrong?” Perrie asked cautiously.  
“No, everything is alright. I guess I just a had a few too many bevies on Saturday. And a sleepless night does not pair with that well” she explained quickly.  
“Uh.. did Jed and you have fun last night” Perrie teased her.  
Jade just shook her head “Okay, I guess that’s it then”.  
Perrie and Jade walked into the changing room. Jesy and Leigh-Anne had already changed when they came in and walked to the dance studio. Jade quickly grabbed her shirt, turned around and pulled her hoodie above her head. Perrie was also grabbing her stuff, when she watched Jade she immediately noticed a big bruise on her back.   
“Babe. You sure you’re okay?” she said worried.  
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Jade turned around and looked at Perrie questioning.  
Perrie just pointed at her back, Jade walked to the mirror and it was only then that she saw the huge bruise on her back. She was already wondering why her back hurt so badly. She froze for a moment and then put on a fake smile again.  
“Well like I told you, I tripped. So stupid!” she laughed it off.  
Perrie just nodded. She changed then as well. Sadly Perrie was not the brightest and she did not further question why Jade had a bruise on her back when she tripped and how she could have a mark on her back and on her face at the same time from a simple fall.  
When the girls were in their dancing clothes, they went into the studio as well and started practicing.   
After a while Claude hissed “Gosh Jade. What’s wrong with you today? You fucked up that simple choreo for the fourth time now!”  
Jade sighed “I’m sorry, I will concentrate better now”  
Claude nodded slowly and Perrie grinned at Jesy when she looked at her “Jade is very tired.. she had a busy night last night, if you know what I mean” she whispered.  
Jesy laughed loudly and teased Jade “Ha ha did you have too much wild sex last night and can’t focus right now?!”  
Jade replied confused “What?? Who?” then she looked at Perrie who looked at her with an apologizing look on her face.  
Claude raised his hands “GIRLS! Stop it and focus now! We have to finish the choreo until tomorrow!”  
Five hours later they were finally finished. Jade was really exhausted and headed home right away, she was so sleep deprived and wanted to slip into bed right away.  
When she walked in and didn’t see Jed she was a bit relieved, she went to take a shower immediately. She got out of the shower and grabbed her towel when Jed suddenly opened the door.  
“Hey babe” he grinned.  
“Jed!” Jade said a bit surprised and quickly put the towel around her.  
“No need for that. I have seen that all before” he pulled on her towel but Jade held it around her body protecting.  
“What are you doing?” she asked and took a step away.  
“Just wanting to have a bit of fun with my girlfriend” he grinned sheepishly.  
“I’m not in the mood right now.. I just want to go to sleep” she tried to dismiss him quickly.  
Jed breathed in slowly like he was trying to keep his cool. Jade just passed him and walked into the bedroom. Jed noticed his anger rise up and fueled by the alcohol in his system he could not control himself and followed her swiftly.  
“You know what?!” he raised his voice.  
Jade turned around surprised while grabbing some clothes.  
“I am REALLY REALLY tired of you acting this way!” he said irritated.  
Jade looked at him “what do you mean?”  
“What do you mean?” Jed laughed ironically “You act like I am…” he had difficulty finding the right voice and gestured wildly “…some kind of monster and don’t speak with me! I know what happened.. but it was a freaking accident. Things like this happen.. and there is absolutely… NO reason for you to act this way.. and ignore me!” he slurred.  
“Are you drunk Jed?” Jade looked at him intruding.  
“And what if so?” he raised his hands.  
“It’s Monday” interjected Jade.  
“Who cares? What else am I supposed to do. My girlfriend is gone all day partying and grinding on some other dudes and when she is back she just ignores me”  
Jade rolled her eyes and thought ‘Wow now this is starting again’, she looked at Jed annoyed “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you Jed, I was not doing anything with other guys on Saturday and today I was working all day and now I am tired and just want to sleep. Can we just discuss this tomorrow?”  
“Yes, that’s easy to say, right? And what about me?” he insisted.  
“What? What about you?” Jade looked at him questioning.  
“What about my needs? I know you are used to things always going your way but I am so sick of always putting me second!” he said.  
At this point Jade was just plainly sick of this situation and grabbed her clothes on her way to leave the room.  
“Where are you going?” he asked upset.  
“Getting changed and then going to bed. You can sleep on the couch tonight” she answered bluntly.   
When she was about to reach the door, Jed put his arm out. Jade tried to push it out of the way but then he took a step to the side and positioned himself in the doorframe.   
“Just let it be, Jed” she demanded.  
“NO, you don’t tell me what to do anymore! I am so sick of this! So sick of you!” he shouted suddenly which made Jade shiver.   
“I mean look at you…” he looked at her with disgust “.. you ugly, fat slut.”  
Jade just looked down and tried not to listen to him.  
“You can be glad, I still want you. Because nobody else would want you. Even if you were the last woman on earth no guy would want to stick his dick in you.. you disgusting whore”  
Jade flinched and looked down. Then she shook her head and looked at him “Are you finished now?”  
This comment made him really angry and he pressed his lips together before he screamed at her “Who do you think you are? Talking to me like that?”  
Jade remained posed and didn’t answer him.  
“I ASKED YOU SOMETHING!” he screamed even louder and slurred.  
“Jed, just stop it now. It’s enough” she shook her head frustrated.  
“You don’t get to tell me when it’s enough.. you worthless piece of shit!” he pointed his finger at her.  
Jade tried to push him aside with some force now in order to leave the room but Jed did not move a centimeter.   
“Makes that feel you great?” she had a tear in her eye and looked at him upset.  
Jed just laughed, so Jade continued “Do you feel so so cool and powerful now? But you know what?!- that kind of behavior just showcases your insecurity and…” before Jade could continue she was interrupted by a firm slap on her cheek, she held her cheek and looked at him shook.   
“That’s what you deserve!” he hissed and turned around to walk away then.  
Jade was really relieved when he was gone, she looked at the clock and went then into the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror looking at her reddened cheek. She did not even react, tears were running down her cheek even though she did not consciously notice that she cried. She did not want to waste any more time and changed quickly, then she went back into the bedroom, grabbed a bag and put some stuff in there for the night. Then she went downstairs, when she saw Jed sitting on the sofa with a beer bottle in his hand, she tried to sneak as quietly as possible past him to the front door. But before she could even make half of the way through the living room, Jed spoke up.  
“Where do you think you’re going?”  
“I’m going over to Perrie and Jesy’s” Jade answered quickly before stopping to walk.  
“To do what? Tell them how bad bad Jed hit you and screamed at you” he imitated her crying.  
“No, just to do a girls’ night. We haven’t done that in so long” she said unmoved by his behavior.  
“I thought you were tired?” he challenged her.  
“Well not anymore” she smiled a bit.  
“It’s Monday” he insisted.  
“And?” she said firmly.  
“And?! Fuck you, you are not going anywhere!” he demanded irritated.  
“Well stop me!” she immediately regretted her words and quickly rushed to the door.   
She was in reach when she heard a smashing sound next to her and saw a bottle breaking against the wall. She frightened but then quickly resumed her action of getting out, she opened the door when it slammed close again. She looked up and saw Jed’s hand holding the door closed above her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was the second chapter. I hope you like it, I already wrote the next two chapter so I have quite some things to come up. I would be extremely happy about some kudos or a comment.   
> Also, I just wanted to quickly share my thoughts on Jesy.  
> I am really really sad about her exit and I am torn about Little Mix's future as a trio. My feelings about it kind of change constantly. I think what I can be sure about is that it is so important for Jesy to heal and feel good and this was literally the only possible way for her to achieve this. I really wish that Confetti will not be the last era and that the girls will not stop after the tour or go on hiatus, I think we all need LM! I think even if they would step back a bit, I would be fine with it, but I just hope that Little Mix will always be around for us. And maybe maybe Jesy will feel better one day and join back and our girls will reunite, because Little Mix is 4 and we all know that! For now, I think we need to support the girls even more and also continue to support Jesy. This is a really hard time for all of us and I am definitely a bit confused/upset about how some the things went down and that's okay but we need to focus on the future now and make the best out of it!


	3. 3- I need some time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well stop me!” she immediately regretted her words and quickly rushed to the door  
> She was in reach when she heard a smashing sound next to her and saw a bottle breaking against the wall. She frightened but then quickly resumed her action of getting out, she opened the door when it slammed close again. She looked up and saw Jed’s hand holding the door closed above her head.

With his other arm he slammed his elbow into Jade’s stomach, that made her stumble backwards and holding her stomach. Jed took the opportunity to quickly turn the key in the lock and put it in his pocket. Then he grinned at her viciously. He went back to the table and took a sip of his Brandy and was not bothered by the fact that Jade was still in heavy pain and struggling to breathe. When she was able to breathe again she looked around and saw her purse on the dining table. She looked at Jed and then again at the purse, she thought about her options and quickly rushed to her purse then, knowing that there was another key in it. Jed watched her and when he noticed what was her plan, he jumped up and ran to the table as well. Jade was quicker though and had the key firm in her hand rushing to the door. He followed her and grabbed her hair to stop her. She screamed in pain right away and turned around. Then he grabbed her wrist.  
“Let it go!” he demanded. But she held the key with all of her force.  
He grabbed her wrist with more and more force.   
She pleaded “Jed, you’re hurting me”  
After applying even more force with his right hand and using his left hand to open up her hand, Jade was not able to hold on anymore. The key fell to the ground and Jed took it. He clenched his teeth and threw her set of keys into her face forcefully. She did not have a chance to react at all and the heavy keys crashed into face with full speed. She put her hands into her face right away and sunk to the ground. The moment the keys crashed into her face it was like Jed woke up from a bad dream. He put his hands on his head and kneeled down next to Jade. When he put an arm around her, Jade winced and shouted in between tears.  
“Get off me!”  
Jed still could not believe what just happened, he got up and rubbed his eyes. He shook his head and then bowed down next to Jade again.  
“I am so sorry, babe. I don’t know what just happened” he was in complete shock of his own behavior.   
Jade wanted to get rid of him but he held onto her.  
“Wait, I’ll help you get up” he helped her get up and walked her to the bathroom, she still had her face covered with her hands.   
When they arrived at the door, Jade took her hands down to push Jed away.  
“No, let me alone! Stay Out!” She locked the door quickly and approached the mirror cautiously.  
Outside the bathroom Jed teared up, hit the wall and shook his head. Suddenly he felt really bad and sick about his own behavior, he knocked on the door and mumbled.  
“I am so sorry, Jadey. I love you so much”  
“Just leave me alone, please” she begged.  
Jed breathed heavily and leaned against the door, then he slowly sunk down and sat on the ground in front of the door, burying his face in his hands.   
Meanwhile, Jade walked to the mirror, she closed her eyes, it hurt so bad. When she opened her eyes she flinched. Her right eye was red and swollen, at her forehead were three red marks, her cheek and lip were bleeding and her nose was slit open as well. She quickly grabbed a towel and put some cold water on it to clean her face. When the blood stopped running she continued to put it on her face to cool it, so it would not be so swollen tomorrow. Then she sat on the floor leaning against the bathtub and closed her eyes. Without noticing she slowly drifted into sleep. When she woke up a few hours later because of the uncomfortable position, she got up and looked at her face again. She sighed ‘fuck’. She could not go to work tomorrow, everyone would ask questions. She opened the door and was surprised when Jed’s body feel onto her feet as he apparently fell asleep in front of the door on the ground as well.   
He groaned “Mh.. babe” and rubbed his eyes.  
“I am going to bed and I don’t want you to be there” she said decisively.  
“But..” Jed tried to argue but Jade shot him down.  
“No!” then she went into bed.   
She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and saw it was 4 am, so she decided to quickly text her manager. She thought a moment about what to write, then she came up with a quick excuse on why she would not be able to be at rehearsals tomorrow.  
Hey Steve,  
Unfortunately, I will not be able to come to work tomorrow. I am up since hours.. vomiting. I must have eaten something wrong, but I there is no hope of it getting better until tomorrow. So you need to rehearse without me. But good news, I know the choreography and should be able to jump into the song as well if you give me a heads up on how you want it to be going on Wednesday.  
Best, Jade  
Then she shut her eyes and fell asleep again. At the same time, Jed went onto the couch. He sat there for a while, a tear running down his cheek. He saw his Brandy and finished his cup. When he tried to sleep, thoughts were running through his head, so he got up to his coat and took a small bag of pills out of it and took two of them. When he sunk into the couch he was really angry at himself, not only for hurting his love but also for drinking and now resorting to take drugs. But soon enough the oxycodone kicked in and he was asleep.   
The next morning, Jade woke up by rays of sun blinding her. She rubbed her eyes but stopped immediately being hit by sharp pain. Then everything that happened yesterday came back into her mind and suddenly she felt really sick. She quickly rushed to the toilet. As she emptied her stomach into the toilet, she leaned against the wall being overcome by pain from everywhere- her face, her head, her stomach, her back. She cried in pain and got up to look at herself in the mirror. Being met by bloodshot eyes, a red and swollen face, she quickly opened the doors of the cupboard and took some pills of ibuprofen out of it. She put them in her mouth and swallowed them with some water from the sink. Then she sighed and walked back into the bedroom. She saw her phone lighting up and decided to check it. When she opened it she saw 3 messages in the Little Mix group chat.  
LeighLeigh: @Jade hope you will get well soon, Steve told us that you’re sick xx  
Jesyy: Give it a good rest, we need u tomorrow. There’s no other woman like you to do your part 😉  
Pez: Hey babygirl, what’s wrong? Do you want us to come over later and care for you? <3  
Jade panicked, and thought that they could definitely not come over and see her like this, so she needed to shut them down immediately.  
Jade: Hey girls, thanks! I already feel much better, so with a bit rest I will be fine. And @Pez thanks for the offer but Jed is taking good care of me, so don’t you worry x  
Jade continued to look at the other messages when there came new messages into the group chat  
Pez: Good to hear! We were already worried. See you tomorrow then!  
Jesyy: Yeees, our choreo is dope. Really looking forward to tomorrow, the fans will love it!  
Reading this, it hit her. ‘Fuck I need to be there tomorrow’, she completely forgot about the performance and groaned. How is she supposed to make herself look more or less presentable until tomorrow? There was only one way, so she got up to the fridge and grabbed some ice packs to make at least the swelling go away. She leaned back and closed her eyes to relax a bit, when she heard someone clearing their throat. She peaked through one eye and saw Jed standing there awkwardly. She remained silent, so he spoke up.  
“I just wanted to say… that I am really sorry… and I really don’t know what was wrong with me..” he explained silently.  
“Ok” Jade said simply as she really did not want to hear any of this now.  
“Ok?” asked Jed.  
Jade groaned “Yes, ok. Can you please just go. I need some time”  
“Ehm.. sure.. anything you need, my love” said Jed understandingly and left then.   
When he was downstairs he shook his head and hit against the wall. ‘You screwed it’ ‘How could you be so stupid’ ‘She hates you now’ ‘You are ridiculous’ he told himself. He became really upset and saw the only possibility of calming down in pouring himself another drink.


	4. 4- Excuses

Jade just lied in bed all day. The cooling seemed to help a bit when she took a look at herself in the mirror later that day. It still hurt very much though, she wanted to take another ibuprofen but decided to eat something before taking the pill. She went downstairs and hoped to be able avoid Jed, she went quietly into the kitchen and closed the door immediately. She searched the fridge for some snacks, she decided to fry an egg. After a few moments, Jed stood in the doorframe.  
“Hey..” he said carefully.  
Jade looked up but did not bother to say anything.  
“Can you make me an egg as well?” he asked friendly.  
Jade sighed “Sure” she took a second egg and added it into the pan.  
While Jade was cooking, she successfully ignored Jed but when the egg was finished she had to sit down with him at the table. He looked at her intriguingly while she ate her meal. It was very hard to ignore him but she did not want to give him any attention.  
“Jade?” he asked still not having touched his egg.  
“Eat Jed. It will get cold” she instructed.  
“Jade..” he shook his head “I can’t live like this… please talk to me”  
He stood up, walked around the table and kneeled next to Jade. When he was so close to her she could immediately smell the alcohol.   
“Did you drink something?” she asked strictly.  
“I… no.. well… I am really stressed out by this” he stuttered trying to justify his behavior.  
Jade laughed “YOU are stressed out by this?”  
Jed sighed “What else do you want me to do? I said sorry and that I love you”  
Jade shrugged “I don’t know. I just need time”  
Jed groaned and went back to his chair to eat.

*the next day*  
Jade got up extra early so she could go to their stylists first and the girls would not see the marks on her face, she also picked a big bracelet to cover the bruise on her wrist. When she entered the make up room one hour early, their stylist Tom had just started preparing everything, he looked surprised to see Jade.   
“What are you already doing here? You girls are only meant to be here in like an hour”  
“Ohh what? I must have mixed up the time” Jade quickly lied.  
“Well… better than being one hour late” Tom joked.  
Jade nodded “Indeed… can you maybe do my make up already then I can quickly go back home before we leave cause I forgot my phone”   
Tom sighed “Mhh.. okay. But you girls are really addicted to your phones, so maybe it would be good for you to not have it with you for one day” he teased her.  
Jade rolled her eyes “Pleaseee”  
Tom shrugged “Well babe.. let’s see what we got planned for you today”  
He went to grab his noted in which he planned the girls’ make up and clothes.   
“Okay let’s go then” he went to Jade who already took a seat in front of one the mirrors.  
When he inspected her, he groaned “Babe.. what is this? I told you guys to not put on any foundation yet. Now we need to take that off first”  
“Really? I mean can’t we just leave it on.. like where’s the problem” Jade tried to convince him to leave it on, so that he won’t see the marks.  
“Where’s the problem? I always start with the eyes and if you have the foundation on, then I will have it all over me and smear it” Tom rolled his eyes and took a tissue to start wiping it off.  
When he had some off, his face twitched “What happened to your face, babe?” he looked at her shocked.  
“Well..” she already thought about an excuse beforehand so it would sound reasonable.   
“I know this will sound stupid. But I visited my friend Katie yesterday.. you know with all the cats and yea.. long story short one of the cats did that”  
Tom was still in shock “Bitch!”  
Jade laughed “Well it hurts a bit but make up covers it well, so it ain’t that bad”  
Tom shook his head “Well girl.. let’s see” then he started with her eyes and continued with the other make up.   
He did well because in the end there was no sight of the marks.  
“Wow, well done!” Jade looked at him.  
“I know” he snapped and laughed then.  
“Okay.. Imma head home then” she stood up and left quickly before the other girls would arrive.  
She left the building and got in her car. She already managed to pick a parking lot that was in the very corner of the parkade this morning, so she just sat in the car and waited because the last she wanted to is going back home to Jed.  
When the other girls arrived one after the other in the studio, they looked at each other.  
“Where’s Jade?” questioned Leigh-Anne.  
“Dunno… maybe she’s still ill” said Jesy.  
“But she said yesterday that she will be here” argued Perrie.  
“Uh girls.. Jade was already here, her make up is done, she needed to head back home cause she forgot her phone” Tom explained rolling his eyes while he walked back into the room.  
“Why was she already here? We weren’t supposed to be here until now” Leigh-Anne frowned.  
“She got something mixed up in her timetable” shrugged Tom.  
“Well okay.. that does not sound like Jade at all” said Leigh-Anne.  
“More like Perrie” Jesy laughed, gaining an eyeroll from Perrie.  
“But Perrie would not be an hour early… more like two hours late” Jesy added teasing Perrie more.  
Then Tom started to get them ready, about an 40 minutes later Jade went back into the room.   
“Hey” she said smiling lightly.  
“JADE” all of the girls called her in sync.   
“We missed you already” laughed Leigh-Anne.  
“Yeah.. missed you too” agreed Jade and smiled a bit.  
Then Jade took a seat in the back of the room on the couch and looked at her phone. Jesy and Leigh-Anne continued to talk to Tom about the last Vogue issue or something. But Perrie did not listen to a thing they said, she was watching Jade. She did not know what it was for certain, but something just seemed off. Her head hurt from thinking too much about it, so she sighed and looked at her phone as well.  
When they were finished they went into their changing room where their outfits were already hanging there neatly. They were not too fancy but still looked very fashionable and fresh. All the girls already started undressing, Jade was just sitting there pretending to be busy on the phone, she did not want to undress in front of them to avoid any questions regarding the bruise on her stomach and back. The girls looked at her.  
“Ehm Jade, don’t you wanna change too or do you plan to perform in joggers?” Jesy put on a funny accent.  
Jade laughed a bit “I just need to deal with something here” she held her phone up.  
Jesy nodded slowly and the girls continued changing, when they were finished they looked at Jade.  
“Still important business going on?” Jesy asked her teasing.  
“I’m about change.. sorry about that. You guys can go already. I will catch up on you”  
“Are you sure? We can also wait?” Leigh-Anne offered.  
“Nah.. it’s fine.. don’t worry“ Jade objected.  
The girls nodded and left then “Okay”.  
After Jade was sure that they left she changed quickly as well. Then she went to meet their stylists in the make up room, so that they could check if everything looked great. After they approved, the girls went outside to the car that would drive them to the performance. The whole ride the girls chatted and giggled but Jade did not really say anything, she was on her phone most of the time or looked outside the window. They did the performance and everything went as planned, when they returned to the office, they went into the changing room right away. The girls had already took their shirt off when Jade stood up and went to the door.  
“I need to talk to Steve quickly. Will be back in a few” she explained and left.  
The girls nodded and continued to change. Perrie looked behind Jade and frowned, something was off, Jade did not engage in any conversation at all today. Well maybe she is just tired or still not feeling well from yesterday, she thought.  
When Jade returned 15 minutes later, the girls had already changed and had their purses in their hands. When Jade came in, Jesy looked at her surprised.  
“Now we’re all finished and I really need to leave. Could you not have hurried a bit?”  
“Oh it’s fine. Just go and enjoy your free evening girls. I should be able to change on myself” she tried to calm them down.  
“I can also wait, that’s no problem” Perrie offered.  
“But Jesy needs to go and she is your ride, I guess. It really ain’t a problem” Jade reassured her.  
Perrie nodded slowly, she felt a bit bad but left then together with the girls. After they were gone, Jade just slumped down. She was feeling really… tired and lacking any energy. She felt just empty.. weird, she thought. She tried to gain a bit motivation to change but she took her time as she did not want to be home early. She looked at the clock it was only 6 pm. Eventually she grabbed her stuff and went home. When she returned home she felt really relieved as no trace of Jed was in sight. She did not really care where he was, she just cared that he was not at home. She put on a Disney movie and a pizza in the oven. After the movie was finished and Jed was still not home, she thought about where he might be but she quickly stopped it because she should not care. Still, she decided to clean up a bit. There were a dozen empty beer bottles and 2 empty bottles of Brandy on the table in front of the couch. She took the empty bottles and noticed a small plastic bag on the table. She put down the bottle and inspected it. There was only one pill in it left, she was not sure what exactly it was but for sure something that was not supposed to be in her house, so she quickly took the bag and threw the pill in the toilet. As she saw the pill disappearing in the toilet it made her feel uneasy to not know what it was and to know that Jed apparently took drugs. She decided to not occupy her mind with it further and to just go to bed. That is what she did. In the middle of the night she woke up by a buzzing sound on her night stand. She looked at the phone and saw that it was Jed calling, she was really tired so she just dismissed the call. After dismissing the third call, she finally accepted his next call.  
“What is it, Jed?” she mumbled really tired and annoyed at the same time.


	5. 5- Heavy

“Hello is this Jade?” a female voice greeted her on the other end of the line.  
Jade sat up straight immediately.  
“Yes” she answered slowly.  
“Hey this is Fiona. I am the bartender and your boyfriend is extremely drunk and cannot remember where he lives. We want to close but he cannot leave, he told me to call you. Can you maybe come pick him up?” she explained.  
“Ehm sure… where you at?”  
Fiona explained where she was, Jade then quickly put on some joggers and a jacket, she did not care to put on some make up, she was way too tired and did not want to let Fiona wait any longer. When Jade arrived at the bar, she saw Jed leaning on the bar and appearing to be asleep, then she saw a tall woman with dark hair, this must be Fiona she thought.  
“Hey, you’re Jade?” the woman approached her.  
Jade nodded and went towards Jed “Was he here alone the entire evening?”  
“Yes, he came in at like 4 in the afternoon and poured one drink after another until.. now” she explained.  
The thought of Jed being here all day, draining himself in alcohol made Jade really uncomfortable, she put a hand on Jed’s back.  
“Jed, can we go?”  
He did not bother to look up to her, he was still lying with his head on his arms on the bar.   
Jade shook him more firmly “come on Jed, we need to go”  
Jed mumbled just incomprehensible stuff and did not bother to move at all.  
Jade tried to pull him up but he was just too heavy, quickly Fiona went on the other side and pulled Jed up together with Jade.   
“You parked close?” Fiona groaned as Jed was very heavy and did not walk a bit himself but put all his weight on the girls’ shoulders.  
“Yes, right in front of the door” she answered quickly, exhausted by his weight.  
They stopped in front of Jade’s BMW M5 and she quickly grabbed the key, opened the back door of the car and threw him more or less on the seats. She sighed when he was in. Fiona looked a bit confused as Jade did not care to put him in the seat properly or put on the seatbelt, but she was also glad because that would just mean more work. She looked at Jade, she thought that something was off with this girl: she looked very depressed and lost and why was her boyfriend getting drunk all day alone at this bar.  
“Are you okay, dear?” she raised an eyebrow.  
Jade became a bit nervous “Yes… everything’s good. Thank you for your help and ehm.. calling me. Also sorry for his.. behavior”  
Fiona was still a bit unsure of what to do but she just shrugged “Sure..”   
Before she could say anything further Jade quickly got into the car.  
“Bye” then she closed the door and drove away fast.  
“Good night” Fiona mumbled even though Jade was already gone and she just watched her drive away.  
Jade was looking just at the street, normally she was a very responsible driver but today she was really upset and decided to use the power of her high class car a bit and she sped up, only until she saw blue lights behind her. She groaned, this was exactly what she needed now. She pulled over, she had her hands still firmly on the steering wheel. When she heard a knock on her window, she opened it slowly but remained in posture. The officer pointed with his flashlight right into her face, so she closed her eyes being blinded. She could see in the mirror there was a second officer behind the car.   
“Hello. Do you know why we pulled you over?” the man asked.  
“No idea” Jade shrugged monotonously.  
“Well you were driving 60 mph even though this is a 30 zone!”   
“What do I have to pay?” she said annoyed trying to deal with this quickly.  
“Not so fast. Please show me your driver’s license and the car documents”  
Jade pulled out the car documents and gave them to the officer, of course she did not bring her license as she was in a hurry.  
“And the license?” he asked inspecting the documents.  
“I forgot it at home”  
He nodded slowly and gave the documents back to Jade, then he pointed the flashlight into her face again.  
“Did you drink?”  
“Of course not” she answered quickly.  
He decided not to do a test, he simply noted down her details and explained that she will receive a fine in the next day and then has to show her license at a later point.  
“Okay. Good night then” she closed the window but the officer stopped her.  
“Wait wait” her heart began to race, thinking he saw Jed but then he pointed at her face.  
“You okay?” he asked referring to her marks.  
“Yes, just a little accident”  
The officer nodded and wished her a good night. She sighed when he was gone and was really relieved that they did not notice Jed in the back, but it was dark and the car has dark tinted windows, so that might be why.   
She drove home and parked her car in her garage. She went to the back door and looked at Jed.  
“Jed? I need you to go up” she demanded.  
He just grumbled something and moved into a more comfortable lying position. She considered for one moment to leave him in the car but then she looked at the neat red leather seats and thought what would happen to them if he threw up in there and decided to remove him from her car.  
“JED. Get. Up. Now” she demanded.  
“Caannn…t” he mumbled  
“Yes you can and you will” she grabbed him forcefully and pulled his upper body out of the car, then she placed his feet on the ground and pulled him on his legs.  
When he stood on his legs he lost his balance right away and fell to the front. Because Jade was standing in front of him he crashed onto her.  
“AHH” Jade screamed in pain as his body was laying on her.  
As Jed did not really move, Jade fidgeted trying to get Jed off of her. But he did not move a bit, when her air became sparse she shouted at him.  
“I CANT BREATHE JED. Get off me!” Jed groaned and moved a bit eventually.  
When he was not laying anymore on her upper body, Jade grabbed her rips, it felt like something was broken or so. In every case it hurt badly. She pulled her legs away from under Jed. Eventually after sitting there a moment, she felt tears running down her cheek, then she became really angry. Her impulsive emotions suppressed the pain and she got up decisively, grabbed Jed under his armpits and literally pulled him into the flat. She pulled him towards the couch. She used her last force to first put his upper body on there and then his legs. She sighed exhausted when he was on there. She sat down quickly because she felt like she could not breathe anymore. She was suddenly very scared, what if a rip punctured her lung and she will die. Her anxiety escalated her breathing issues even more and she was seriously thinking she will die. Her thoughts were all over the place, she was so tensed, everything hurt and she could not breathe. After a while of panic that felt like hours but were truly just a minute she could finally breathe again. She was so relieved when she felt her lungs being filled with air again. She suddenly felt really hot and got up, she went to grab a bucket, placed it next to the couch in case Jed needed to throw up and went then into the bathroom. She put off her warm hoodie and grabbed a wet washcloth. She put it on her neck and breathed in and out. As she felt better, she went to bed finally. She was completely exhausted by everything that just happened but still could not sleep as thoughts were circulating her head.  
The next day she was glad that they had a free day. She was really tired from the night. The following day though they had a performance on James Corden in the evening, so she needed to recover a bit. When she woke up at 11am she saw already many messages on her phone, so she decided to check them out

Little Mix group chat  
Pez: *video* hahah I just watched our Black Magic performance on James Corden from last time  
Jesyy: The end is just the best lol  
LeighLeigh: Yeah that was so fun  
Jesyy: One of the more fun performance of Black Magic  
Jesyy: *no shade intended  
LeighLeigh: Hahaha when will the Black Magic hate finally stop?  
Jesyy: When we stop singing this goddamn song  
Pez: Welll…..  
Pez: Jade u awake?  
Jesyy: Maybe she had another fun night with Jed 😉  
LeighLeigh: Hhaha zip it Jessica  
Pez: Probably she is still not feeling 100% well   
Jesyy: Probably she fucked too hard  
Pez: JESMINDA!  
LeighLeigh: Enough!   
Jade questioned whether she should answer them but decided against it. Just the thought of having sex with Jed disgusted her at the moment, she just wanted to get it out of her head, so she quickly answered her mam who was asking how she was doing and when she will be home next time. She also quickly texted a few friends who were congratulating her on the new song. Then she got up, it was only now that she noticed how everything hurt. How was she supposed to do the dance routine tomorrow. She went into the bathroom and took another three pills of ibuprofen to make sure she was able to move at least a bit. Then she sighed and carefully lifted her shirt, her torso was a deep purple, she carefully touched it with one finger but it hurt so badly. She breathed deeply and then went downstairs. She was surprised to find not only find Jed up but to find him in the kitchen making pancakes.   
“Morning babe” he said happily, pretending like nothing happened.  
“What’s going on?” asked Jade still a bit sleepy  
“I’m making breakfast for my beautiful girlfriend” he smiled brightly and came to Jade to give her a kiss on the cheek.   
Jade wanted to pull away but he was quick, then he went back to the table to grab plates for the pancakes.   
Jade sat down, still extremely confused by the situation.  
Jed put the plate in front of her and then took a seat opposite to her, he started eating right away. Jade approached the pancake only slowly.  
“How did my princess sleep?” he looked up from his food.  
Who was this person, Jade thought. It was no one who had anything to do with the Jed she experienced in the last week.  
“Ehm good” she shrugged.  
“Nice” he smiled and continued eating.  
After he finished eating he grinned and got up. He walked to stand behind Jade. It made her a bit uncomfortable as she could not see what was happening but she just continued eating still being unsure of what to make out of the situation.  
When Jed pulled her hair to one side and started kissing her neck, she leaned forward “Please, don’t”.  
“It’s okay” he whispered and put his hands on her sides, then he continued to kiss her.  
She moved away “No it ain’t, please stop it, Jed”.  
“Please don’t Jade” he pleaded as his voice slowly changed, he still continued kissing her and moved his hands up her side and her body, she shifted uncomfortably in her chair and when he grabbed her boobs she jumped up.  
“No, stop it!” she said loudly.  
Jed breathed in a few times in order to calm himself down. As he was able to remain his countenance he spoke up.  
“I am really trying Jade”  
“You think a nice breakfast is gonna change everything that happened in the last days?” she raised an eyebrow and shook her head.  
“No, but I don’t know what else I can do. Do you want to be mad at me forever?”  
“I don’t know” Jade sighed.  
“Then tell me now. What. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Do?”  
“I can’t tell right now. But how about you tell me what happened last night?”  
“I was just out” he pretended like nothing was wrong.  
“You were just out? Some random bartender called me at 4am and asked me to pick you up because you were so drunk that you couldn’t move anymore or remember where you lived!” Jade said furiously.  
“Well. Don’t pretend like you’ve never been wasted before?” Jed tried to play it cool  
“Yes, I have. But not every day in the last week. So maybe we start there, you stop drinking!”  
“You’re talking like I’m an alcoholic!” Jed said upset.  
“Well tell me… are you? Also I found some pill on the table. What was that?” she looked at him questioning.  
“Are going through my stuff now?” he laughed furiously.  
“No, I am not. Like I said it was on the table and I was just cleaning the mess you left. So maybe that’s a second point. You could start cleaning behind yourself. You’re sitting here all day anyways!” she pointed at him.  
“You know what. If you’re so into cleaning. I’ll give you something to clean” he took the two plates from the table and smashed them on the ground.  
Jade frightened at the loud crashing sound, then he turned around and left. Jade sighed, she went to get something to clean this mess up. After that she cleaned the rest of the kitchen to spend as much time in there as possible. When she was finished, she was reluctant to go out of the room, afraid of what Jed might have been getting into. But he was gone. She did not really care, so she just went back upstairs and put some cream on her bruises and tried to relax. After an hour she could hear Jed coming back but she did not bother to acknowledge that at all. Happily, he did not try to reach out to her as well. So they both spent the rest of their day separately and Jade did not disturb that at all.


	6. 6- Lost in thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you had wonderful holidays and enjoyed the time even under these circumstances. Stay healthy everyone!
> 
> I would be happy for some kudos as Christmas Present ;) also some comments and feedback would be very appreciated!

Chapter 6- Lost in thoughts

TRIGGERS: Violence

When Jade woke up the next day, she was already feeling a bit better. She looked at the clock, it was already 1pm, so she really needed to get going. The girls would meet at 3pm. When she came downstairs to eat something, she did not have to wait long to see Jed.   
“Still ignoring me?” he asked.  
What was she supposed to say, she thought. There was nothing she could say that would please him, therefore she decided to avoid this provocation and rather not say a thing.  
“I really need to eat now, we will meet soon” she explained swiftly.  
“You’re just avoiding me” Jed stepped into the kitchen.  
Jade could feel the situation already becoming tensed, so she said bluntly “I really don’t have time for this right now”  
“You have never time for me” Jed folded his arms.  
Jade rolled her eyes and just quickly grabbed a banana. Then she went to the door and wanted to back upstairs.  
“NO! You’re not walking away again! That’s all you can do or what? Always running away and avoiding a conversation! I don’t accept that anymore” Jed screamed.  
Jade just continued to walk when Jed pushed her with all his force into the cabinet that was standing at the wall before her. She crashed into it and landed then on the ground. She did not move, so Jed screamed.  
“GET UP!”  
Jade still did not move at all.   
Then he slowly bumped his foot into her back to see her reaction, when she flinched and moaned in pain, he screamed again.  
“Move now!”  
But she did not move, that was when he lost his control and took a step back just to take run-up to kick her forcefully into her stomach. One time. Two times. Three times.  
That was when she yelled “Stop it, please” after that she just continued to cry furiously.   
Jed did not know what to do, so he just went back into the living room being extremely upset he rubbed through his hair, took some pills out of his pocket and swallowed them with a sip of vodka. After that he looked at the glass and just finished it quickly, then he grabbed his jacket and left the house.  
Jade was still lying on the ground crying after she heard the door closing she spit on the ground, it was mostly blood. A horrible taste in her mouth. She groaned in pain. She remained there for a few minutes just crying and not moving at all when she heard her phone ringing. 

She tried to get up, she held herself at the wall, being barely able to walk due to her overwhelming pain. She tried to go to her phone as fast as possible, but when she reached the bedroom in heavy pain, the phone had just stopped ringing.   
“No” she cried out.  
Then she lied down on the bed and breathed a few times, she could not breathe very well but she still tried to. After the pain became a bit more bearable she took her phone and saw that the missed call was from her mom. She decided to call her back right away, otherwise her mom would be worried and possible reach out to one of the girls.  
“Hey mam” she said trying to sound normal  
“Hey, my dear” her mom said and she could hear that her mom was smiling.  
“Why didn’t you take the call right away?” Norma asked curiously  
“Uh, I was just downstairs watching TV and didn’t hear it right away and when I heard it and made my way back upstairs it was already too late”  
“Oke… well how are you doing, petal?”   
“I am good” it hurt Jade so badly to lie to hear mom, she noticed how tears were creeping into her eye again. No not now she thought and tried to suppress it as good as she could.  
“That’s good to hear. So you girls perform on James Corden later? I am already so excited to see the performance, I annoyed your dad the whole day with my excitement” she laughed.  
Jade laughed also and started crying at the same time. ‘Fuck’ she thought. ‘You cannot keep it together only once Thirlwall, can you?’  
Her mom’s laugh faded away and she asked worried “Love, what is wrong?”  
“Uh oh nothing… I miss you guys just so much” she tried to justify it. Even though she missed her mom so much it was not the reason for her crying but she still hoped she would buy it.  
“Aww, well petal. We’ll see each other in a month right?”  
“Yee..ss” stuttered Jade.  
“I miss you too, honey” she could hear Norma getting emotional too.   
Great she thought now she made her mom cry too.  
Jade tried to regain composure “I love you so much, mom”  
“I love you too!” Norma answered wholeheartedly.  
“Well.. I need to go now. We meet soon for the performance” Jade tried to wrap it up in order to not become too upset.  
“Okay honey. But promise me to call me soon!”  
“I will! Greet dad and the others from me as well”  
“Of course. It was nice to hear from you. Good luck for the performance later” her mom said lovingly.   
“Thanks. Bye mom” she said quietly.  
“Bye darling”.  
When she hung up, she sunk back into the bed and started crying.

Jade POV  
I asked myself how I would be able to do the performance later. How would I be able to conceal that in front of the girls. What would I do when Jed comes back. How could I survive this? There were so many questions in my head and it bothered me the more I thought about it, I got more and more upset.  
When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone, but not myself. I saw a sad, a broken girl. Where has all my joy, all my happiness gone. Just a few weeks ago I remembered being so happy. What has happened? I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore, but that’s how thinks are now, I thought. I breathed in and saw that from the incident earlier there was just a single wound on my front head, I was really lucky. It was a bit swollen and rather deep but a bit make up should work. Then I pulled up my shirt, what I saw scared me. Not only was my torso blue but my entire stomach. No one can see this, I thought. When I looked at it, the sharp pain came back suddenly, so I went into the bathroom to take another ibuprofen. When I took the pills I noticed how the box was empty now, I was surprised. There were 20 pills in there and it was a new box, so I must have taken all of these during the past days. I need to stop this, I thought. After I calmed down a bit, I went back downstairs and saw some red dots on the ground from my forehead. It scared me, it looked like something bad happened here, which it definitely did, so I quickly needed to get my head free. Because of the sudden rush of pain, I hurried upstairs and wanted to take another pill, then I remembered that the box was empty and I became really upset. I wanted to stop with that and just two minutes later, I wanted to go back to it. I was very angry at myself, as the anger rose, the pain faded again. I needed to get out of here, I thought. I grabbed a hat, sunglasses and a jacket. Then I left the flat and walked down the street to the supermarket, I grabbed some food I planned to eat later, when I passed the medication shelf, I hesitated. I was torn, on the one hand I told myself that I already took so many meds in the last day, on the other hand, I noticed the pain rising again. In a moment weakness, I thought ‘fuck it’ and grabbed it. When I put it in my basket I told myself that it was the right decision, I am hurt, I am in pain and there is nothing wrong with taking some pain meds. Also they are over the counter, so what could go wrong. I just needed to be a bit more responsible and then there won’t be any problem at all. When I was standing in line, I was looking at all the products at the check-out. My eyes darted to the cigarettes. ‘You never smoked’ I hissed at myself, how could I even consider starting now. Also I am a singer and need to be fit, could I be any more irresponsible. After telling myself off and my inner voice calming down, I looked at them again. I was being ripped out of the thought by the cashier.  
“Ma’am?”   
I looked up and saw that I was the next.  
“Sorry, I was in thoughts..” I apologized.  
“No problem…” he laughed, then he looked at me.   
“Can I get you some?” he pointed to the cigarettes.  
He must have noticed me staring, I was very overwhelmed in the moment. I didn’t know what it was, but something made me said “Yes” immediately.  
Then he grabbed a packet and added them to my products. I was still wondering what happened and upset that I said yes but continued paying unconsciously. I quickly threw everything in my shopping bag and left then. When I returned home and put everything down, I could feel the pain rising again. So I took one ibuprofen immediately and then I decided to take a bath. I was in the bathtub, after like an hour I was finally being able to relax when I heard my phone ring. Without much thought I just accepted the call.   
“JADE! Where are you?” hissed Steve.  
‘FUCK!’ I thought. I completely forgot about the performance. How could this even happen? This has never happened to me before. I could feel my heart racing as I tried to come up with an explanation. When I thought about leaving the bathtub and dancing, I could also feel my stomach hurting badly again. I could not perform I decided.  
“Oh gosh… I am so sorry Steve… I completely forgot to call you” I said upset then I changed my voice to sound very broken and weak “The truth is, I don’t feel well. I am afraid I can’t perform tonight”.  
“Yes, you can” he said strictly “You were already sick Tuesday, you can’t miss again”  
“But I am so sick” I cried.  
Steve sighed “Okay.. well.. if you feel REALLY so sick, then yeah… what can we do..”  
“Thanks, Steve” I said still very weakly sounding.  
“Okay. But really relax today. Because tomorrow you can’t miss again” he commanded.  
“I will. Thanks again and bye” I said before he changed his mind.   
“Bye” then he hung up.  
I breathed out and thought ‘wow this was.. close’.  
I leaned back and tried to relax a moment when I heard the phone vibrating. It was only then, that I saw the other texts from the girls.

Pez: Where are you Jade?  
LeighLeigh: Where are u? We were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago  
Jesyy: Well today an hour late after being an hour early? You really need to update your schedule girl  
LeighLeigh: Jade? We are already worried. Can you answer please?  
Jesyy: JADE? Steve is really upset? Where are you?  
Pez: Jade? Hello? U there?  
Pez: Please answer, it’s not funny anymore. We are really worried  
Jesyy: ??

LeighLeigh: Steve just told us you’re sick again  
Jesyy: What’s wrong? Why didn’t you say sth?  
Pez: Can you please say something, we’re really worried

I felt a bit bad reading the girls being worried, how could I so forget everything around me and how could time fly by so quickly?  
I answered quickly in order to avoid the girls being upset for the performance  
Jade: I am so so sorry girls. I was the entire day on the toilet. I am not feeling good. You will rock it without me tho xx

The girls were really relieved when they heard from Jade and they answered right away.

Jesyy: Really good to hear from you. So sad that you won’t be there tho  
LeighLeigh: We’ll miss you! Get well soon Jade, do u know if you will be there tmrw?  
Pez: Take a good rest sweety. And please tell us next time earlier!

Jade: I will defo! Sorry again, I didn’t mean to make you worry. And yes, I hope so!

LeighLeigh: Great to hear! Then til tomorrow 😊

I could really kick myself in the ass for that, really how could I forget about everything. I continued to stay in the bathtub for a bit until I got out. I went back downstairs and got myself some food. I saw that Jed still was not there, but I literally didn’t care. He could be wherever he wanted.


	7. 7- Pretend It's OK

Chapter 7- Pretend It’s OK

Jade POV

The next morning I made sure, that I got up on time and nothing like yesterday would happen again. I was still in pain, but it was not as bad as yesterday, therefore I decided to not take any meds and just stay strong throughout the day. When I walked to the door to leave, I saw Jed, he was lying on the couch, still sleeping. There were new bottles on the table and his stuff was just all over the floor, but I did not have time to be upset about that, also I was glad that he was sleeping and I did not have to deal with him right now. I sneaked into the garage, got into my car and started the engine, as I heard the loud sound of the engine starting I suddenly felt a rush of adrenaline in my veins. The garage opened and I drove out of it. I started driving to the studio, when I was at the flashlight I don’t know what came over me but as it turned green I pushed the gas pedal completely and my car raced off. I noticed a smile coming over me as I speeded, it felt so good and deliberating. The only thing I felt were the 620 horse powers of the car and the fun this was bringing me, all the worries and pain was gone. But it was only in the moment because suddenly I saw a flash in front of me. And then I was back in the moment, I looked at my speed and I was at 80 mph in a 40 mph zone. I stepped on the brake right away to slow down. I groaned, I knew exactly that there was the radar, I drove here every day but today where was my head?! What was going on with me? Slowly it crept on me that I will probably not get away with just a fine this time.   
When I arrived at the office the other girls were already there, they greeted me friendly, they were all so happy that I was back. I tried to pretend to be really excited and happy about it as well, but I did not really work. They were very excited about this performance, I was not. Why was I not excited, what was wrong with me? Singing, performing.. it’s my passion why do I feel not excited anymore? I was being ripped out of my thoughts by the girls looking at me.  
“Jade?” said Jesy and the others looked at me expecting as well.  
“Yes?” I asked having no idea what was going on.  
“Do you want to eat something before we get ready?” asked Jesy a bit confused.  
“Ehm.. no I’m fine” I shook my head.   
“Okay then we can go to make up” said Jesy and the girls got up.  
I was continuing to sit there a moment and being angry about myself. ‘Jade can you be any more obvious’ ‘Focus’ I was telling myself. Suddenly I was being ripped out of my thoughts again. I flinched as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Narrator

“Oh” mumbled Perrie somewhat confused by Jade’s sharp reaction.  
“I’m sorry. I was just a bit lost in thoughts” Jade explained.  
“Where is your beautiful mind at?” asked Perrie lovingly.  
“Eh nothing… I was just thinking about… the choreo” Jade tried to rescue herself.  
“Uh Don’t worry Jadey. You will do fine. I know it” Perrie winked.  
“Okay… should we go to the others?” Jade got up quickly not wanting to go this conversation into more detail.  
“Ehm sure…” Perrie followed her. As she walked behind Jade she shook her head.   
Something was wrong and she knew it. When they came into the styling room, Tom was already busy preparing Jesy’s make up. Leigh-Anne sat on the couch and was on her phone, as Jade wanted to avoid any conversations she sat down on the second make up chair and was lucky when Alessandro came in. Perrie sat down next to Leigh-Anne on the couch. She looked at her and took out her phone.  
Perrie: Sth is up with Jade  
Leigh-Anne looked at Perrie confused when she saw a message coming in from her on the phone but Perrie signaled her silently to just read it.  
Leigh: What makes you think that?  
Perrie: Dunno.. she’s weird. Doesn’t really talk and looks kinda sad  
Leigh: Yeah..   
Perrie: What should we do about it?  
Leigh: Did you talk to her yet?  
Perrie: Yes, but she insisted that everything was alright..  
Leigh: Well how about we take her out after the performance. Maybe with the help of a few drinks she will say sth  
Perrie: Okay sounds good

Jade looked in the mirror while Alessandro walked towards her. He smiled friendly   
“How are you doin’ bae. Are you better?”  
“I’m good thanks” Jade smiled a bit.  
“Okay great. Then let’s start. You got already a foundation so we just have to do the eyes” he inspected her.  
When he did her eyes, he rubbed his hand a bit over a forehead, so that the fresh mark showed. Alessandro frowned.  
“Gosh.. what did you do, beauty?” he pointed to the deep wound from the incident earlier.  
“Oh yeah… I just walked against the cupboard” she shrugged.  
“Are you sure? It looks rather deep and fresh, not that it gets infected…”  
Jade shook her head “Nah.. it’s fine.. really” she wanted to change the topic quickly.  
“Okay.. your decision” he shrugged and continued then.  
The rest of the make up session was rather silent, when he was finally finished, Jade got up and grabbed her jacket.   
“I’m gonna get some fresh air” she walked to the door.  
“Ehm.. alright” Jesy said.  
After Jade left, the girls looked at each other confused. Normally everyone would stay until they’re all finished and Jade has never left for some ‘fresh air’, that was really random they thought.  
Tom made a grimace “Uh someone’s not in a good mood”.  
Alessandro looked at him “Well with that big wound on my forehead, I wouldn’t be in a good mood either”.  
Tom raised an eyebrow “Wow she must be on a stream of bad luck. After the cat attack now that..”  
The girls looked at each other confused.  
“What are you talking about?” asked Perrie frowning.  
“Didn’t she tell you? Apparently, she got attacked by a cat.. she had a lot of marks in the face on Wednesday. And yeah she said she was attacked by a cat or something” he shrugged.  
“What?” Jesy looked really confused  
“No, she did not say a thing at all” Leigh-Anne explained.  
“Well weird.. but I mean nothing we couldn’t fix with some make up, so I guess it’s not that bad” Tom added.  
“We really need to talk to her” Perrie looked at Leigh-Anne who nodded and then they told Jesy about their plans for the evening, who agreed.  
Jade was standing outside the building, she rubbed through her face, this was all just way too much for her. She felt like everyone was constantly watching her, analyzing everything she said or did. She sat onto the ground and put her head into her hands. After a while, Jade could feel that somebody was watching her, so she looked up. When she saw Perrie standing in front of her, she quickly got up and straightened her clothes, she also put on a smile quickly.

Perrie POV  
Even though Jade smiled now, I could see how she was sitting there the cold ground with her face hidden. She looked depressed and tired. When she noticed me, I could see how she was trying to cover up and put on a fake smile but I saw her already, so no chance to fool me. I suddenly felt like Jade was maybe fooling us for some time now and that there was something seriously wrong with her. I could literally watch her turn from a happy, cute, beautiful girl into this depressed, silent, suffering state. I could not tell what it was, that was bringing about this profound change but I would get to the bottom of this- even if it is the last thing I would do. It hurts me to see my Jadey suffering like this. I feel like she completely removed herself from the group. Whatever was happening must be so bad, that I could destroy all the positivity of such a resilient person like Jade. I was really worried.  
“What is it?” I asked looking at her worried.  
“What is what?” she laughed confused.  
“What is bothering you?” I asked more clearly.  
“Well I don’t know why you come to think that. I’m good, Perrie” she explained.  
“I just know. I mean we can see you being very quiet and how you just sat here…”  
“Really Perrie. There’s no reason to worry. I’m just very tired and exhausted at the moment. Feeling a bit sick, just not at 100%. But with some rest, I will make it back to top soon”.  
I sighed, not sure of whether to believe that or not. I mean, I was already used to having to squeeze things out of Jade, she is just not or was never the kind of person to come to you and tell you about all of her problems and worries. But usually when I or the others would see that something was up and just asked her about it, then she would always eventually open up and tell us. So maybe she also just needed some time with this or maybe she was really just a bit sick and tired. I just didn’t know. Jade is a really strong and inspiring person. She had that thing of always fighting on her own and not sharing much because of her school experience. She told us that she got bullied in school because she was very small, thin and looked very young, obviously she was also a bit different from the other girls and had an Arab heritage, which seemed to be enough reasons to bully her for some of her fellow class mates. I felt really sorry for her when she first told us about it but also still up to that moment. She is such a beautiful person, in and out, and just couldn’t see how people would bully her, ever. There is literally nothing wrong with her, she is just perfect… from her beautiful skin tone, to her curly hair, her Bambi eyes, her pretty face, her sexy bum... I shook my head- what was I thinking. But back to the topic, I thought because of this bullying experience and having no friends in school, she just has always had a hard time getting close to people because she never learned to do that in first place. She just never learned to have such a close bond of trust with friends, she just learned to fight for herself and that she is the only person who is there for her and who will stand up for her. So she always fought for herself and kept things to herself because there was no one there for her in first place. When we first got put together, she was really introverted and had a hard time sharing personal stuff, but seeing us do it and also feeling our unconditional support and love, helped her to open up eventually. But still to this day it has always been hard for her and she usually just needed this extra kick, with which is, of course, nothing wrong. And I felt like that was our responsibility to do because she wouldn’t do it on her own, so we needed to watch out and help her do it. Especially, because she was always the first person to care and help us in our darkest hours. I could always tell her anything and she would never judge me, tell anyone and she would also provide great advice, because she is also really smart. I wish I was as bright-minded as her sometimes. Well back to the conversation.  
“Are you really sure, babe?” I looked her deeply in the eyes.  
She quickly looked away and avoided my gaze “Yes, don’t worry, Pez”  
I sighed.  
“Last word?” I asked again  
“Yes” she nodded smiling lightly trying to reassure me but I was still not a 100% convinced.  
“Okay well.. you know you can always tell me… and also the other girls… you can always tell us anything. And you don’t need to go through anything on your own, even though you might think so…” I smiled a bit and rubbed her side.  
I could see her flinch as I touched her.  
“Ah” she said.  
I frowned “What’s wrong?”   
Now this was really worrying.   
“Ah nothing..” she tried to shake me off.  
“Well that didn’t look like nothing. It clearly looked like you were in pain, babe”  
Jade took a step back and I could see that her thoughts were racing.   
“No, like I said. I’m fine and if something would be wrong, then I’d tell you” she winked and then grabbed her stuff to walk back into the building.  
I stayed there for a moment. Wow this ended abruptly, I thought. But this hardened my suspect that there was indeed something wrong. She was clearly in pain, wasn’t she, I questioned my perception. Why wouldn’t she tell me? It made me go mad, just thinking about it. But as I could really not come to a conclusion right now, I ended this mental mess of mine and went back inside as well.

Narrator  
The girls were in the dressing room now, about the put on their today’s outfit. Jade grabbed her dress and made her way to the toilet.  
“Eh Jade, whatcha doin’?” Jesy raised an eyebrow.  
“Ehm changing?” Jade looked at her like nothing was wrong.  
“Yeah.. but why not here” Jesy looked at her questioning.  
Jade stood there for a moment, trying to make up an explanation. During this moment, which felt like an eternity to everyone in the room, Jade got increasingly more nervous until she finally declared.  
“Well I just have my period”   
Wow this was a shitty excuse, thought Jade, internally cursing at herself for coming up with such crap. Apparently, Jade was not the only one who thought that this was not the best reason.  
“So am I” Leigh-Anne held up her hands and shrugged.  
“I… I… just don’t feel well and.. yea” Jade stuttered.  
“Or you just tell us what’s wrong now” Jesy looked at her strictly.  
“I don’t know what you girls want, stop pressuring me like that when I just want my privacy for changing, which is completely normal and stop with this questioning me the whole time. It makes me really uncomfortable, even though I already told you, there is literally no reason to be worried” Jade snapped and then she locked herself into the toilet.   
The girls just looked at each other without saying anything, suddenly they all felt a bit guilty for pressuring her so much. That was why Perrie went to the bathroom and knocked slightly on the door.  
“Jadey? U good?” she asked softly.  
When Jade heard Perrie’s voice, she immediately brushed the tears off of her cheek with her sleeve. She also cleared her throat to sound normally.  
“Yes. I’m good. Can you please just leave me alone for a moment, Perrie?” she pleaded.  
Perrie wanted to say something completely different but then she just resorted to saying “Ok.. sorry”.  
Jade did not respond anything and just continued dressing. Perrie stayed leaning on the door for a moment until she started changing eventually. After about 5 minutes, Jade returned from the bathroom, nobody of the girls knew how to act, so everybody just remained silent. At some point Jesy interrupted the awkward silence.  
“Ehm Jade.. I know this might not be the best point in time or situation to ask… But me and the girls wanted to ask if you would be up to a night out? We thought some drinks and fun could be refreshing to all of us and we would really like you to come along, of course”  
Jade hesitated a moment, so Jesy added “And also sorry for earlier. We didn’t mean to pressure you, we are just a bit concerned”  
Jade nodded a moment and thought that she could not possible decline the offer as that would just make them more worried and strengthen their belief that there is something wrong, so she had to accept. Therefore, she put on a light smile.   
“It’s fine girls, no reason for apologies… I see why you would think that, but again.. I am good and there is absolutely no reason to be worried or anything.. and” then she put up her hands and smiled brighter.  
“Yes, for sure I wanna join”.  
Leigh-Anne clapped excited “great, it’s gonna be fuuuunnn”  
Perrie nodded as well, a bit less excited as worry was still overwhelming. No matter how many times Jade would say she was good, she would still have some doubt. And she did not even know why, she could just sense that. She felt like she had sort of a magic connection to Jade and could therefore, feel when the little girl was suffering.   
Also Jade was still preoccupying her mind. She really did not know why she would not tell them- like they would not not believe her… probably. They would also not judge her, they would, for sure, just want and also be able to help her. She did not know why she just could not tell them. Maybe it was the shame. She was always the strong one in the group, who would help everyone through anything. And now she was the one who needed the most help, that just did not feel right. It made her uncomfortable being out of control. Also she felt ashamed that she became a victim. Even though there is no truth in this, she still had this thought in the back of her mind that something was wrong with her, maybe she did deserve it. Further, she was always used to be in control and strong and now she was a victim, implying being weak. Maybe she should protect and retaliate herself better. Like who did not fight could just loose, right? So it could be her fault. Another reason was that she just did not want to upset the girls and make them worry more, she knew exactly how they are and they already have their own demons to fight with, so an additional source of worry could not be healthy. And finally, there was a fear that she could never get rid of Jed, like what would even happen and then he might hurt one of the girls. If that would happen, she could never forgive herself. She could never live with the thought that they suffer because of her and she put them in a dangerous situation, which Jed definitely was. He was just so unpredictable and aggressive, surely he would not hesitate hurting one of them if they pressured him. And he is a man, so he is stronger, she could not risk any of them getting hurt. She knew they would confront him, so it was just all too dangerous.   
When they went to the performance everything worked out more or less even though Jade could not move as well as usually. But no one pointed it out. So as far as from that, it all went after plan. After the performance, back at the office, Jade went back into the bathroom to change, this time she did not explain herself, also the other did not ask. They just looked at each other clueless when she left. Then it was time for going out.


	8. 8- I need some fresh air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I wish you all a happy new year! I hope you had great holidays! Because I did not update the last days, here is an extra long chapter, enjoy it.  
> I also want to give a little statement on where we are in the story right now (without giving too much spoilers). So we are basically at the point where Perrie will not give up anymore just because of some simple 'I'm okay' by Jade, she is really on it. Also Jade will start seeing her position more clearly in the next chapter, which I already wrote. So in the matter of the next 2-3 chapters, Perrie will hopefully be able to break throught to Jade. Jade changed already quite a bit during this story and she is definitely not out of the woods yet. But once she will leave Jed, there will be a clear focus on Jerrie; and on Perrie helping Jade through this and any upcoming events. So Jerrie is coming, slowly but safely. If the wait is longer, then it will be even better in the end ;)
> 
> Also thanks so much for your support. I am really happy about your positive response and will be very thankful for any kudos and comments/feedback :)

Chapter 8- I need some fresh air

All the girls drove in Perrie’s car, so they would be able to drink, as Perrie volunteered as a driver. Perrie was planning to watch carefully for Jade, she did not want to miss any signs by being drunk.  
When they arrived at some pub it was a bit awkward at first, no one really knew what to say, so Jesy put on a funny accent.  
“Well.. how bout we get some drinks now?!”  
Everyone nodded, so she went to get drinks with Leigh-Anne. While the two were gone it were just Perrie and Jade. Jade just looked at the table, she could feel that Perrie was watching her but she did not want to look at her, afraid that she would give something away or Perrie would start asking questions again. Perrie just watched her, even though Jade had really tired eyes, messy hair and was just looking down, she still looked beautiful, Perrie thought. Jade was literally the most beautiful human she had ever seen, she thought. She shook her eyes for those thoughts and was really glad when the others came back with the drinks. They gave Perrie a coke and had Vodka Lemon for the rest of them. After having very basic conversations about their schedules, the album and the performance today, during which Jade occasionally agreed and nodded, the girls started talking about Andre. They were asking Leigh-Anne how he was doing and so, Jade sensed that they would for sure want have her talking about Jed, what she really wanted to avoid. Therefore, Jade got up and grabbed her jacket and handbag.   
“I’m a bit dizzy, I’ll just go get some fresh air” she explained and after they offered to come along which she declined, she headed out.  
The girls looked at each other. Perrie looked after Jade worried and remembered what she saw earlier.  
“Oh Perrie by the way, how was Jade when she went out earlier?” Leigh-Anne looked at her.  
“Uhm.. she was kind of just sitting there on the ground on her own” Perrie shrugged.  
“Well.. that’s weird” Jesy raised an eyebrow.  
“Should maybe someone go out and look for her?” Leigh-Anne asked.  
Jesy and Perrie nodded slowly, then Perrie offered that she would go, which she did.  
Jade was going like 20 meters away from the building and breathed heavily. This whole thing was eating her up, she could not deal with questions about Jed right now. Just when she thought about it, her pain increased. Especially after the dance routine today, her pain was really heavy which she could not admit of course. The alcohol did not help too much, also she did not bring any ibuprofen but the pain was getting worse and worse, so was her anxiety. Therefore, she noticed a packet in her pocket. She pulled the cigarettes out of her jacket and eyed them for a moment considering her options. Yes, it was bad for her health but also worrying was bad for her mental health and she would not be able to head home within the next hour without it being suspicious and having to explain herself. Therefore, she decided that one cigarette would not do more harm than her pain right now. She looked at some guy next to her smoking, asked him for a lighter and breathed in. Being an unexperienced smoker, she started coughing heavily right away. It was her body telling her that this is not good for her, but she did not listen. She took another pull, this time her body’s resistance was already less and at the fourth time there was no resistance but only a feeling of calmness overcoming her, which she very much enjoyed. As Perrie left the pub she quickly closed her jacket, it was freezing. Jade was not here, so she looked to the right, there was just dark, then she looked to the left, a couple of smokers were standing there, so she continued looking over to the other side of the road. As she could not see her there, she took another look at both sides, she also could feel her heart starting to race as she was starting to get worried. She was already going to look at the other side again when her head darted back to the left. She saw a girl with a green jacket and curly blonde-brunette hair which looked like Jade, but this person was smoking, so it could not be Jade. She knew that Jade had never smoked, so… well she took a step closer and then she saw the distinct caramel boots, so she knew this must be Jade. She was completely shocked, since when did Jade smoke and first of all, what did Jade make starting to smoke. It only strengthened her worries about Jade’s well-being. She thought about confronting Jade but then she thought she would do this at a later time because Jade must be really upset to take the risk of going out to smoke while with them. She certainly did not want to cause any more distress right now, so she decided to walk back inside.   
The other two looked at her expecting “And?”.  
Perrie shrugged “Well she was just standing there and looking, so I decided to not bother her”.  
Jesy raised an eyebrow “Ehm.. okay..”.  
When Leigh-Anne wanted to mention another thing, Jade returned already, she put her jacket off and slid into the booth next to Perrie. Jesy looked at Jade.  
“Are you okay, babe?”  
“Yeah” Jade put on a light smile.  
“We can also head home if you don’t feel well” offered Leigh-Anne.  
“Well I mean we can still stay a bit but I don’t want to be home too late cause I’m already a bit tired”.  
The others nodded and ordered another drink, after that Perrie brought first Leigh-Anne and then Jesy home, so Jesy could already shower and she would have some alone time with Jade.  
When she stopped in front of Jade’s house, she looked over to Jade.  
“You ok?”  
Jade quickly put on a smile and then opened the door “Yes, sure… thanks for driving me. Good night”.  
Perrie nodded “Good night…” she wanted to say another thing but Jade was already gone.   
She hissed at herself for letting Jade go while watched Jade leave and getting to the house. She was still unsure of what to made out of all of this. As she could not get to an answer right now, she drove home as well.  
Jade came into the house and it was like almost like a deja-vu. Jed was sitting on the couch with a bottle in his hand. But this time it was no beer, it was vodka.   
He slurred “Where have you been” right away.  
“I was out with the girls” she said putting off her shoes.  
“Again grinding on some men?” he laughed cynically.  
Jade sighed annoyed “You’re getting really on my nerves with this thing”.  
“I am getting on your nerves. Well I am not the one who is gone all day, all night, does not acknowledge me at all and behaves like a bit…tch 24/7.”  
Jade shook her head annoyed.   
“I’m not doing this anymore, I am so sick and tired of this! We’ll head on Europe promotion tour next week and when I return, I either want all of this…” she pointed at the table full of bottles and pills “all of this gone… OR I will be gone!” she yelled at him.  
Jed was quite shocked, he was not expecting her to give him an ultimatum. On the one hand, he did not want to lose Jade but at the other hand, he was not gonna let her humiliate him like this. Like he was not the problem, was he? She was gone all day and what was he supposed to do. And when she was there every now and then, then she would dictate him, upset him or ignore him. He took another sip with which he swallowed another pill. The sip gave him courage and then he jumped up, he crashed with his legs into the table right away, making some of the bottles crash right away. He cursed “Fuckk” then he took another bottle and threw it on the ground again. As Jade heard him shout, she quickly went into the bedroom and locked the door. Jed stumbled upstairs, as best as he could. His sight was blurry and his mind was just on a rage mode, there were no clear thoughts possible. He slammed against the door.  
“Open the fucking door”   
Jade did not answer, she was starting to be afraid, so she sat on the bed and pulled her knees in a hug.  
He slammed and kicked against the door harder, screaming “OPEN THE DOOR YOU STU…PID BITCH”.  
Tears started running down her cheeks, her heart started racing even more. She was afraid that he was gonna kill her, once he would open this goddamn door.  
“IF you don’t open, I WILL KICK THE FUCKING DOOR” he screamed, still boxing against the door.   
Then there was a moment of silence, Jade breathed a bit relieved. She thought that he might have given in now, but then there was a loud crash and Jed and the door were flying together into the room.  
Jade screamed as loud as she could, she was scared for her life, Jed was like a wild animal. Aggressive, predatory and cold. While he was still struggling to get up, Jade ran quickly past him, he grabbed her knuckle which made her fall, but as he wanted to grab her leg, she kicked him against his hand forcefully. He screamed and held his wrist which cracked loudly.  
“Ah you fucking bitch.. you.. brookeee my wrrss..wrwist” she slurred half drunken and half in pain.   
But Jade took the moment to get up and run downstairs, she quickly ran out of the house. She did not have to wait too long when Jed was following her, she still had some lead but he was just taller and faster, so he would probably catch her eventually. Then something unexpected happen, as she took a turn, she could see a police car. She ran even faster until she saw blue lights next to her. She was so so so relieved. This was her rescue.   
The police stopped next to Jade, the police woman rolled down her window.  
“You okay, miss?” she asked somewhat concerned.  
“Ehm…” Jade was not sure what to say. She could tell what happened right away but on the other hand, she did not have any proof. Jed was the one with a broken wrist and he was very smart, that even if they would believe her, he would get out quickly. And further, what would he get for some domestic violence which she could not even prove.. not even a sentence probably. So she thought she could maybe better avoid that for now.  
“Ehm.. I was getting home from a night out, when I thought someone followed me”  
The police woman got out of the car and looked down the side walk, there was no one in sight.   
“Should I drive you home?”  
Jade was thinking no, not home but then she thought that Jed for sure would not be stupid enough to stay there when he saw her talking to police, so she looked at her.  
“Well… ehm… I mean I live kind of close by” Jade explained.  
“But still.. I think it would be best. Get in” she opened the passenger door and Jade got in.  
Jade explained her where she lived and the officer drove her there.   
“Do you want me to bring you in?” she asked looking at Jade.  
“Oh I’m good. Thanks a lot tho” Jade smiled and got out of the car walking to the front door of the house.  
The officer watched until Jade got in her home, in which there was luckily no Jed. She still felt very unsafe and was considering going to Perrie’s but then she’d ask questions, so she just got in. She grabbed her blanket and pillow, put it in her bathtub, then she locked the bathroom door, took another ibuprofen as she was really slowly coming down from adrenaline and started to feel the pain again. She laid in the tub and started sleeping quickly from the pain meds and the alcohol.  
The next morning, she woke up by the door bell ringing but decided not the get up as she was still very tired and thought that it would be Jed anyways. Eventually, she rose up quickly as she heard the door open and two people talking. When she recognized that it were Jed and Perrie, she was unsure of what to do. She didn’t want to face Jed but for sure he wouldn’t do anything to her in front of Perrie. Also Perrie was probably not there for Jed, she grabbed her phone from the sink and saw that there was a message from Perrie saying she would come over to pick her up, drive her to the office, so that she could get her car.  
*A few minutes earlier*  
Perrie rang the bell as she did not receive an answer from Jade and she was not already outside, that was also weird, but anyways. She stood in front of the door waiting for Jade to open it. She could hear glass crashing on the ground and heard a “fuck”. Then she was confused as she was greeted at the door not by Jade, but by Jed. Normally Jade would always be already finished.   
“Heeey Pez” he smiled brightly.  
Perrie raised an eyebrow at him and smiled as well “Hey Jed”.  
“Lemme hug you.. haven’t seen you in sooo longg..” then he already hugged her.  
Perrie was not expecting a hug, Jed was behaving really weird. Normally he was really reserved and held back towards her and the other girls. She has never talked to him more than a ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’, which was also why she had never been his biggest fan. He kind of seemed wasted, she thought. When he pulled her in, she could see at least 30 bottles of beer on the table in front of the couch. Before she could see more, he finished the hug and looked at her.  
“Wow.. you look greeeeaaat gal” he slurred.  
Perrie frowned as Jed looked up and down at her.  
“Well thanks… I’m here for Jade… is she ready?” Perrie tried to get back to the conversation. She was really grossed out, especially as Jed not only sounded wasted but also looked so. He wore a dirty t-shirt, just boxershorts, his hair was messy, he was unshaved and had red eyes.  
“Dunno… you know how she is… always takes an et..erit…eternity in the bath..room” he laughed.  
Perrie raised an eyebrow, then she noticed the bandage on his hand.   
“What happened to your hand?”  
Jed looked at his bandage and shook his head “Oh.. I just fell unlucky. Ya know.. was out partying… things like that happen”  
“Ah yeah… sure..” then she saw Jade slowly approaching from the back.  
“Jade!” she looked at her.  
“Hey” she said and quickly walked to Perrie.  
Before she could get out, Jed put an arm around her, she flinched as he touched her and looked very uncomfortable. Her fake smile could not fool Perrie this time.  
She pointed to the table “So you had a good time yesterday?”.  
“Oh.. ehm.. not me.. Jed had friends over” she stuttered.  
Then Jed put his hand visibly on Jade’s ass, which made her look even more uncomfortably which not even her face could cover up. But it made not even Jade uncomfortable but also Perrie. Well, uncomfortable was an understatement, it made her sick. Seeing him touch her like this.   
“Yeah.. but afterwards me and… me and me Jadey had another good time… I can still hear her moan ‘Jeed give it to me… harder’” he imitated her and squeezed her ass while saying that.  
Perrie quickly grabbed Jade’s arms and pulled her out. This was enough, she was really grossed out by this. Why was he acting like that and why was she so bothered by it? She just thought that Jade deserved more, someone better. Someone who was not wasted at 11am in the morning, someone who loved her and treated her like the princess that she is.  
“Okay thanks.. that’s way more than I wanna know. Anyways, bye Jed”  
“Bye bye” he said and tripped backwards helding himself at the frame, then he closed the door.  
Before Perrie could say anything further, Jade got quickly in the car.   
Jade selectively looked out of the window. Perrie remained silent for quite a bit until she could not bear it anymore.  
“What was that?” she asked looking at Jade.  
“What was what?” she looked at Perrie pretending like nothing happened.   
“That! Jed!” Perrie said shocked.  
“I have no idea what you mean” Jade pretended.  
“He was completely wasted!” Perrie said appalled.  
“Ah he was just very excited to see you” Jade argued.  
“No! He wasn’t. Don’t take me for stupid. He was drunk. I know how someone who’s drunk looks like! I have seen it half of my childhood” Perrie shook her head.   
Jade knew that this was a vulnerable point of Perrie and that she was very attentive to this kind of behavior as her father was an alcoholic. Perrie thought about how it was for her back in the days. She was still pretty young, it started when she was about 8 as her dad who was a police office, witnessed his colleague being shot. It traumatized him and his solution was drinking. At first it started with a bottle of wine for dinner, then two, then he started drinking beer right when he got home in the afternoon, then he woke up early and it was the first thing he did in the morning and the last thing he did at night. He was sick and hurt but he was no good influence for her. So her mom gave him an ultimatum after he lost his job at the police and was just at home drinking all day. And this ultimately led to him, not only being constantly drunk, but eventually that was not enough and he would start to shout and lash out and that was it for her mom. He could either stop and go to rehab right now or he could pack his stuff and drink himself to death somewhere else. She was 14 when he left to rehab and he eventually made it. But when he returned home it didn’t take one week for him to relapse, that was the breaking point when her mom threw him out and it was the last time she saw him. She cried a lot about that but now she knows it was the right and only acceptable thing to do. She also stopped wondering what he was up to a long time ago. Perrie did not think that Jed was an alcoholic but it was worrisome for someone with her past to see, so she definitely needed to get to the bottom of things.  
Jade sighed “Well Perrie, I’m very sorry for what happened to you, but really.. Jed just had a really hard week and enjoys a fun weekend”  
“Is this really all to it?” Perrie raised an eyebrow and looked at her.  
Jade looked away and laughed a bit “Yes, really.. no reason for worries”  
Perrie could see that Jade was lying. She would always put on this laugh and look away when she lied.  
“I can see that your lying, Jade”  
“Well I’m not. And I don’t know what to tell you to make you believe me” Jade whined desperately.  
“How about the truth” Perrie said bluntly.  
Jade breathed in, laughed ironically and then sighed annoyed.  
“Well Perrie, how about you search yourself an own boyfriend about whose drinking behavior you can command then”  
Perrie was getting a bit defensive as well, even though she knew this was not the right thing to say in the right moment, she was just really frustrated.  
“Since when do you smoke, by the way?”  
Jade quickly looked from the window at Perrie, her heart sank into her boots.   
“I.. I.. have no idea what you’re talking about”  
Perrie parked her car, Jade did not even notice that they were already there, when Perrie pulled the handbrake and then looked at her strictly.  
“I have heard that before today and guess what, Jade: I saw you outside the bar last night”  
Jade shook her head, laughing again nervously.  
“Well.. I have no idea what you think what you might have seen but I am really sick of this. I don’t know what your problem is, why you have to keep questioning me. But how bout you get an own life and own problems to worry about because I don’t need you. You just keep putting me on the spot with your crazy theories.. I’m done with it… You’re really crazy… maybe you are the one needing help after all” then Jade got out of the car and slammed the door close.   
Perrie felt tears burning in her eyes. She felt a very weird mix of being super angry and upset, like who does Jade think she is, talking to her like that and on the other hand she was really hurt. Even though Jade was probably just being defensive as she cracked the truth, it still hurt being told off like this, after all she just wanted to help. Why could Jade not see this. She was really frustrated but just shook her head and drove away, she did not even bother looking at Jade as she took off.   
Jade looked after Perrie, when she was gone, she groaned, she hated herself right now. Perrie was just trying to help, why did she say all those mean things and why did she not just let her help. She did not know, she just knew she was ashamed of herself right now. She grabbed another cigarette out of her jacket and smoked it as this was the only way for her to calm down right now. After that she drove home. She was really up to anything that would expect her. She felt really bad and miserable and thought that she would deserve anything that would happen to her now.   
When Perrie arrived at home, she looked at herself in the mirror and rubbed her eyes, she breathed in and out and when she calmed down, she went inside. Jesy was watching tv when Perrie got in, she just said ‘Hi’. When she received no answer, she paused the TV, got up and walked towards Perrie. She started telling her about something funny she just saw on TV but Perrie did not even listen, she was considering of what to say and whether to say something to Jesy when she just blurted it out.  
“Did you know that Jade smokes?”  
“What?” Jesy said unbelieving of what she just heard. Normally she would be pissed at Perrie for interrupting her but she was just so shook by the information that she immediately forgot what she was even saying.  
“Yes, I caught her last night when I looked for her” Perrie explained rubbing her hands furiously.  
“Are you sure it was her? Why didn’t you say something yesterday?”  
“Yes and I don’t know” she shrugged, suddenly tears shot in her eyes.  
Jesy was really concerned and pulled Perrie in a hug right away, then she rubbed her arm, wiped her tears away with her thumb and looked at Perrie.  
“What happened?”  
“Well… I was picking Jed up.. and he was completely drunk.. like totally wasted.. I mean it’s not even afternoon.. that’s not normal.. and you know how sensitive I am in that rubric. So I asked her on the drive and she would just say stuff like he was partying and had a hard week and so… I was getting pissed because I could feel she was not telling the truth, so I asked her about the smoking. Then.. then.. she got really irritated and yelled mean things at me” Perrie explained hurt and upset under tears.  
It hurt seeing Perrie like this. Yes of course, they were all worried about Jade but Perrie was just so overprotective over Jade and it touched Jesy deeply. Jesy could see that Jade was maybe just needing time and space and would then tell them at some point by herself what was wrong. And that Perrie constantly pressuring her would maybe make her defensive. But at the same time, she understood Perrie. Perrie was just this kind of friend who could not sleep if she did not know you were safe and sound. And this was impacting her deeply, obviously she just wanted the best for Jade and Jade knew that as well and she also knew how sensitive Perrie was, so she could not just lash out at her like this.  
“Shhh” she pulled Perrie in another hug and rubbed her back until she eventually calmed down.  
Then she wiped her tears away and made some tea.  
“Hey babe.. you know.. we all want to help Jade but we can’t force her to speak.. so maybe we just need to give her some time and accept that for now.. she does not want to talk… while we continue to watch her silently..?” Jesy suggested carefully.  
Perrie sighed and nodded “Yea… maybe you’re right. How could I be so insensitive and pick at her like that.. I’m such a horrible friend” Perrie hissed at herself.  
That was when Jesy turned around immediately and took her hand while looking her deeply in the eyes “NO! Don’t you ever say that again. You are literally the best friend one can wish for and we all know that. Also Jade. And it was completely right to ask. It is not your fault or you.. it’s probably just her having problems and letting her frustration out on you.. and that’s not okay. So really the only thing we can do while she won’t talk to us, is letting her know that we are there for her and that we care, and that’s all you did. She knows that and she will come and talk to you at some point”  
Perrie nodded sadly.  
“Chin up, pretty. Don’t you worry okay? Some things you can’t change right away.. Jade normally just needs a little push, but maybe this time it is just some more time. You know, in the end she knows who she can trust and she will come to us, okay? Everything will be alright”  
Perrie said not 100% convinced “Yea.. eventually”  
Jesy sighed, she could say what she wanted but Perrie would still worry and feel bad, that was just the way she is. Perrie was also not happy with this at all, she wanted to help, it was just so frustrating to not be able to do anything right now.  
Jesy kissed Perrie on the cheek “It’s okay, pretty. Let’s drink some tea and watch a movie”.  
While Perrie was already neatly snuggled on the couch, under the blanket sipping her tea, Jesy was still in the kitchen. She took out her phone and opened Jade’s chat, typing:  
Jesyy: I know you’re hurt and upset, honey. But it’s not okay lashing out on Perrie like that and making her feel shit just because of your problems. I don’t know what’s going on with you because you won’t tell us, but cut it. You know how sensitive Perrie is, she was crying when she came home. She is just trying to help, we all are. So until you tell us, at least think about your actions towards us a bit more, us the ones, who are always behind you trying to help. We are all really worried, Jade! Love, Jesy


	9. 9- One Last Chance

Chapter 9- One Last Chance  
Jade arrived at home, she did not think long about anything and quickly got out of the car. When she got in the house, she met a sleeping Jed. He was snoring on the couch, probably because he drank too much. As she walked past him, she saw a credit card and white powder on the table. Great she thought, he’s doing cocaine. She thought that this got out of control really quickly, no wonder he was going mad yesterday. She went into the bedroom, laid down on the bed and breathed out. As she was laying down on the stomach, she had to turn around right away, being met by pain. She grabbed her phone as it was vibrating, she saw a message from Jesy, as she was reading it, she felt sick immediately. She was really upset reading that Perrie was crying because of her. Why did she have to drag everyone down with her? That was not fair, Jade thought. She laid the phone down and hit herself against the head two times “Stupid cow”, she told herself. Then she just laid there and waited for Jed to come upstairs and beat her up. She felt a weird mixture of feeling empty, anxious, depressed and angry at the same time. After a few hours, she suddenly looked up from her book seeing Jed in the door frame. She felt her heart start to race, even though she kind of accepted anything that would happen as she was convinced that she deserved his punishment, but she was still scared.   
But instead of an attack, Jed held up his hands “I come in peace”. Jade was about to say something, when Jed sat down on the edge of the bed and started talking.   
“Jade, I honestly have no words to apologize. I don’t and I can’t. I could never… for the harm I caused. Yesterday has kind of opened my eyes. Because when I returned at night, there was no police squad waiting. I was really expecting that this was my last night as a free man and I totally accepted it, because it would have been just. I realized what I did was wrong and that I would need to face punishment. But when I came home and no one was here, I have to say, that I heard the last warning shot. I know you have heard this before… me saying sorry. But this time.. last night… me almost losing my freedom, it has truly opened my eyes. You could’ve just told the police.. but you didn’t, so I understand this as you giving me one last chance and you still believing in us. And I appreciate this and I will take this last chance, I won’t disappoint you… because I still believe in us. When you go for the Europe tour tomorrow, I will start changing my life drastically. No more alcohol, no more violence, no more drugs. When you will return, I will be a completely different man… I promise.. I swear. But.. please give me this one last chance. I mean, you can for sure still remember us to be so happy, I want that back, I want us back.. I want me back. I want those evenings back when we were at the beach, just watching the waves, laughing at something stupid I did… sitting in the sand, watching the sunset… I want that. You… I know, that I am not this way usually… so please Jade would you give me one last opportunity, please?”  
Jade was really not expecting this at all. She was a bit overwhelmed and also really unsure of what to say. She watched Jed tearing up while saying this but she was just overwhelmed. And no, she did not report him yesterday because she did believe in them but because she was scared. And that was probably also the reason why she agreed now.  
“Ok… but no more alcohol.. for real” was all Jade could say.  
“For real” Jed smiled and nodded, he really had to contain himself in order not to burst out in happiness.  
Jade sighed “Ok then”.  
She just did not know what else to say and how he would react. She saw the table downstairs earlier, he was still on some alcohol and drugs for sure. Also people don’t change overnight, his mood could turn any second, so she had to accept this. And well maybe, if it would work out, wouldn’t that be great as well? Didn’t she love him? Didn’t she want to be with him? To be honest, she was not sure anymore, she was not sure of anything anymore. She just felt empty. She did not feel enthusiastic about music and performing, she did not feel in love with Jed. She just felt scared and empty, all the time. So if this could help making her feel anything positive again, then maybe the chance would be worth it.  
Jed grinned “OK”.  
Then he leaned forward and hugged Jade strongly. It hurt her so much but she did not dare to say anything, she just nodded and hoped for it to be over quickly. When he let go of her, she breathed slowly and tried to gain control of the pain again.   
“So what do you want to do? Grab something to eat? Watch a movie?” Jed suggested excited.  
“Well I was gonna finish my book..” Jade tried to get out of this.  
Jed nodded slowly “Ok that’s fine as well. Then I’ll just go and get us some food while you just stay in bed”.  
“Good” Jade agreed.  
Jed grinned “I’ll be back soon” he gave her a pick on the lips, faster than she could pull back and then he jumped out of the bed and left.  
Jade closed the eyes and shook her head when he was gone. This did not feel right. She was just scared for what would happen if she said ‘no’ and he also did not really give her any chance to decline. So she just went along.  
The rest of the night went similar to the afternoon, Jed was all excited and positive and Jade was really held back and just went along. First they ate together, then they went to bed. Jed talked a lot, he did not even notice that Jade barely said a thing as he was so enthusiastic and full of energy. Without a question, Jed took this as their conciliation and therefore also his invitation to sleep again in their bed together. When they laid down, Jed turned towards Jade and kissed her, she kissed him back only hesitatingly. She did not know how she could tell him ‘no’ right now. He continued kissing her and led his hand through her hair. He eventually slid his hand down her back and put it on her bum. She tensed as he touched her, she was just completely frozen and let him to whatever he wanted for a moment. He put his other hand on her breast and started massaging it. Jade slowly noticed how her body reacted to the touches even though her mind said no. It confused her even more, so maybe she truly wanted it, she just did not notice. After a while, he grabbed Jade’s hand and put it in his pants, before he even let go fully, Jade pulled her hand away, it was like a reflex. Without any thought she just shivered and said:  
“I’m sorry Jed. But I can’t do this right now”  
She shook her head and tears came to her eyes.  
“I’m so sorry. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me”.  
Jed watched her a second, then he put a finger on her lips.  
“Hey, it’s fine babe. I understand it… it’s okay.. really”  
Jade stuttered “I.. I”  
Jed pulled her in for a hug.  
“It’s okay..”.  
After a while, he let go off her and laid back.  
“Good night then”  
Jade was a bit confused as he just turned away and did not say anything further, but she also just laid down and went to sleep eventually.  
The next morning, Jade had to wake up early, she was meeting the others at 6.30am at the airport.   
Jed said up tiredly “Should I drive you?”  
“Ehm you don’t have to… you can just continue sleeping” Jade looked up from her bags.  
“No, no it’s fine” then he got up sleepy and walked out of the room.  
When Jade finished packing the last stuff, Jed came back upstairs, he was running up the stairs and came towards her.  
“Let me take these. I prepared some breakfast for you as well” he gave her a lunchbox.  
She was very confused by his sudden rush of energy but way too tired to question this further, she just took the box and put it in her backpack. After that she put on a hat and noticed how he forehead hurt when she put it on, so she went to the mirror and could see the cut all read and swollen. Well, she did not have any time for this now, so she just grabbed some sunglasses as well and went to the car with Jed. He drove her to the airport and talked the whole way, first about how they will become so happy again and how motivated her was to change, also a lot more promises and then about some soccer game. She did not really listen to anything he said. When they finally arrived at the airport, she sighed and got out. The two walked to the check in where the other girls and the staff were already waiting.  
Everybody greeted her and looked at her. She just turned around and looked at Jed.  
“Thanks for driving me. See you then”  
“Ohh no problem, babe. I will miss you soooo much. Love you” then he pulled her in for a kiss.   
As soon as she could interrupt the kiss, she did, and put on one more lazy smile until Jed finally left. She sighed and turned around. They went to check-in, luckily the other girls were still tired as well and nobody really talked during the wait or the flight. Jade and the others slept most of the time. About 30 minutes before the landing she could see Perrie walking towards her, she quickly closed her eyes, so Perrie thought she would sleep and then watched her, squeezing into Jesy’s seat.   
“Morning” she could hear Perrie mumble.  
“Did you sleep a bit, Pez?” Jesy asked and put an arm around Perrie, they all knew Perrie was always a bit nervous on planes.  
“A bit” Perrie answered and put her head on Jesy’s shoulder.  
“So not really” Jesy just assumed by Perrie’s answer.  
“No” Perrie groaned.  
“And it was really just the plane and not a certain other brunette thing on your mind” Jesy raised an eyebrow.  
“Busted. I just don’t really know how to act towards her. Like should I apologize or say anything?” Perrie explained and one could tell that this really bothered her.  
To be honest, Jade almost forgot about their ‘fight’ yesterday. This Jed situation and him changing every day just took up most of her mental capacities. For Jade, there was also no reason to ruminate, she knew that what she said was just shit and if someone should apologize then it was her.  
Jesy sighed “How about you just give her a bit space for now, because as far from what I can tell, then that’s what she wanted. And then just with time, you will see how she acts towards you. And if everything’s normal then it’s all good.. and if not, then you two will just talk. But for now, I don’t think you need to worry so much, babe”  
Perrie groaned “Thanks so much for nothing Jessica”  
“Well that’s all I can tell you for now” Jesy said rubbing her arm.  
Perrie cuddled herself into Jesy until a flight assistant told her to get back into her seat for the landing. When Perrie passed Jade she looked at her but Jade successfully played to be asleep again.  
On the way to the hotel their manager spook up “So just for the protocol. Today you’ll have a free day in Paris, so enjoy it girls, it will be your only all week. Then tomorrow we will do two performances, until we fly to Amsterdam in the evening. Then you’ll have a performance on Wednesday and on Thursday morning we will drive to Cologne for a performance. In the evening we will fly to Vienna then. Friday evening we fly to Rome. And Saturday afternoon we go to Stockholm for our last station before returning Sunday evening to London. It will be an exhausting week for all of us, so take care”  
All the girls were already exhausted just hearing about this schedule. When they arrived at the hotel, they got in their rooms. Jade was really relieved that they all had an individual room, so she just laid down in bed for now. She was very exhausted and was already asleep again when she heard a knock on the door.  
“Yea” she groaned.  
Leigh-Anne came in, she carefully looked around the corner to find Jade on her bed.  
“Hey. We just wanted to know if you got any plans because otherwise we would go shopping later and then just go eat somewhere in the evening.”  
Jade looked up “Well for now, I think I will just take a nap and then when you wanna go out for dinner you can tell me, right?”  
Leigh-Anne nodded “Sure. I will just call you then, and then we’ll come pick you up. So for now you don’t wanna come along shopping?”  
Jade said with eyes closed again “No sorry, am really tired”  
“Sure.. that’s okay. I totally get that… I’m really tired as well. Well.. sleep tight then and see ya later” she smiled a bit and left then.  
After Leigh-Anne was gone, Jade opened the eyes and groaned. She was not really that tired, well she was tired but more mentally tired than physically, she was also eager to avoid any time together for now.  
Still, when they left she closed her eyes and had apparently fallen asleep. The next thing she knew was that she woke up sweaty, she was feeling dizzy and hot. She quickly got up and walked to the window, opened it in order to breathe in some cold air. She groaned, her head hurt badly. When she rubbed her forehead, she was met with sharp pain.  
“Fuck” she hissed.   
Suddenly, she had an idea where this might come from. She walked to a mirror and saw that the wound on her forehead was all red and swollen. This did not look good at all. She quickly grabbed her phone to google what could be up, after a quick research she feared that the wound might be infected. Therefore, she called their manager and asked what to do.  
He was really annoyed as this was already the third thing about Jade in such a short time.  
“Well I mean... Then you will have to go to the hospital.. I’ll send Sarah to drive with you”  
Sarah was their personal assistant. Shortly after, she came to Jade and drove with her to the hospital. Sarah talked to some personnel and then she was already guided into a room. Sarah looked at her.   
“Someone will come any moment. I will wait in the waiting area”.  
Not a minute later a young woman came in.  
“Good afternoon Ms. Thirlwall. What can I do for you?”  
“Well I have a wound on my forehead and am really hot…” Jade explained shy.  
The doctor approached Jade and took a look at the wound, she also asked some questions about it and then measured her temperature.   
“Okay you have a fever, so this is an infection of the wound. Luckily, you came soon, so it should be fine with some antibiotics. I just need to do some further routine tests now. Can you please pull up your sleeve”  
Jade did what she said, then her blood pressure was assessed. After that was finished, the doctor asked if Jade could put off her shirt for some assessments.   
“Is this really necessary?” Jade said nervously.  
“Yes, if you want us to provide optimal help, then it is”  
Jade hesitated, then she pulled up the shirt. The doctor made big eyes.  
“Oh what is that?”  
“Ehm nothing really… I just fell down somewhere” Jade tried to shake it off.  
The doctor did not let Jade impress her and cautiously touched her torso.  
“Does this hurt?”  
Jade was barely able to breathe trying to suppress the sharp pain.  
“A bit”   
The doctor looked at her red face.   
“Well this does not look good. A rip could be broken, you need to do a x-ray. Are you pregnant?”  
“No” Jade shook her head quickly.  
“Okay. Then I need to bring you to the x-rays”  
Jade nodded, she did not want this but what was her choice.  
When Jade returned from the x-rays the doctor looked already at the pictures. When Jade sat down on the stretcher, she turned around.  
“So I’m sorry to tell you. But your rip is broken, and not only since yesterday. You must have been in severe pain the past days since this happened. And you did not rest properly. You really need to give it a rest, otherwise it is hard to heal.”  
Jade sighed and nodded slowly.  
“So you need to tell me, why did you not come to the doctor in first place? Your wound must have had some stitches and this broken rip could have been taped. Also I see some older bruises on your stomach. What was there?”  
“Ehm… nothing really, just walked against a.. a.. fence… And well I did not think it was this severe”  
The doctor nodded slowly. Then she looked at Jade critically.   
“And can you explain me how the wound and rip happened again, in detail?”  
When Jade hesitated, she pointed to the computer “It is important for the protocol”.  
Jade nodded, she breathed slowly in order to gain some time to make up something believable and in order to calm down as breathing was not as easy with the pain.  
“Well like I said… I walked against a cupboard with the head and with the rip I tripped and crashed on the stair in front of me”  
“First, to the wound. But how did you walk against it. From just walking against it a wound of this deepness does not happen, did you run or slip?”  
“Yeah exactly”  
“What exactly?” the doctor questioned.  
“I slipped” Jade said quickly.  
“And about the rip. Didn’t you say that you fell down somewhere earlier?”  
Jade was starting to get defensive, noticing that she wasn’t gonna get away so easily this time “What is this? An interrogation?”  
“No. It is just very important to know exactly how things happened in order to treat them properly”  
“Well and I think it is treated properly now and it does not matter because it will not change anything about the fact that it is broken?” Jade hissed.  
“I’m sorry if you feel attacked. I’m just worried” the doctor looked at her with sympathy.  
Jade raised an eyebrow confused. Jade could see how the doctor hesitated for a moment and then began to speak.  
“You know what, can you imagine how many women come in here with broken rips, bruises, broken noses, wounds, black eyes… and it’s always the same explanation. I fell down the stairs, the dog bit me, I walked against the closet, I walked against a door, I slipped, I tripped. I have heard all of this before and I have seen this injuries before. I just want you to know that you are not the only one… am I right here? About the fact that this did not happen because you fell or slipped or whatever?”  
“I.. Ehm”  
The doctor interrupted her again seeing her struggling for words “Just be honest. I can’t and won’t tell anyone.. confidentiality, and we’ll probably never see each other again. Half of the work is done already and sometimes it’s just helpful to speak about it…”  
Jade swallowed and nodded slowly while a tear ran down her cheek.  
The doctor sighed “Have you told anyone?”  
Jade shook her head.  
“Okay.. well let me tell you something. You know how many women come in a second time? 70%. 20% were only a one time accident in the heat of the moment, 10% left their husbands. You know how many come in a third time? 50%. 20% left their husbands. And you know how many come in a fourth time? 45%. Do you want to know what happened to the 5%? No, their husbands didn’t stop, neither did they leave their husbands. They just didn’t make it here. Yes, you understood correctly. What I want to say to you is, that this is not the first time that this happened and that he injured you, as I can see from the injuries. Don’t take your life and the support you have for granted. I don’t want to scare you or anything, I just don’t want you to let it be too late.. you are young, beautiful and have a network of support. Use it. Nobody will ridicule you, blame you or.. do whatever you might fear they’d do. Just don’t wait too long, you have support, not everyone has. So don’t waste it.”  
Jade was really shocked from what she has just heard, she was still crying and felt really sick. The doctor looked her in the eye, squeezed her hand and gave her a tissue.   
“Take a moment to calm down, then you can go outside. Get well soon and much success with everything” she said fast and left, she really wanted Jade to think about this and have to swallow this. These are shocking information but some women just need a push to get out of there and she was more than willing to give it.  
Jade nodded slowly. After she regained her continence, she took her pills and the cream for her rips and went outside.  
Meanwhile, the girls came back from their shopping trip and made their way to Jade’s room. When she did not answer the door or her phone they asked Steve if he knew where she was. He told them about her visit to the hospital. They looked shook and immediately made their way to the hospital and waited with Sarah in the waiting area.  
When Jade entered the waiting area, she was surprised to be met not only be Sarah but by her and the girls. She quickly breathed in, in order not to become too overwhelmed.   
“Jadey… what’s wrong?” Leigh-Anne got up and walked towards her, she looked very worried.  
Jade looked at them and tried to play it cool “Well my wound just got infected apparently. It should be fine when I take the antibiotics…”.  
The other girls got up and walked towards her as well. They put an arm on her shoulder and gave her sympathetic looks.  
“Man Jade, you have to watch out for yourself more carefully” Jesy shook her head.  
They made their way back to the hotel and insisted to stay in Jade’s room to support her, even though she told them that they could go outside and it was not that bad at all. They ordered pizza to the room and watched movies the whole evening. When it was already rather late, the others looked at her.  
“Do you want one of us to stay the night, so we can be there in case you don’t feel well?”  
“You are so good to me girls. But I’m good girls, thanks for the offer though. I appreciate it”  
Perrie put an hand on her leg “You sure babe? I wouldn’t mind at all”  
“Yeah… really. But thanks” Jade winked.  
Then the three got up, Jesy gave her a pet on her head and they wished her a good night and left.  
Jade was really relieved that they did not ask any more about the wound, how it happened or anything the like. She enjoyed their evening and when she went to sleep the words of the doctor came back to her mind. ‘Do you know what happened to the 5 percent’. She flinched hearing those words in her head. Well she thought, maybe Jed really does change now and if she would tell the others now, then all his career, reputation and maybe even his life would be ruined. Just because of her. She did not even notice herself how toxic her pattern of thinking had become. His life would never be ruined because of her, but rather because he chose to hit his girlfriend. Not one but multiple times.  
The next morning she already felt a bit better after taking the antibiotics and the pain meds the doctor prescribed her.  
They went to do some acoustic performance at a local radio station before going to the airport again and flying to Amsterdam in the evening. Waiting for their luggage to arrive she got a message from Jed.  
Jed: Hey babe, how are you, my love? I cleaned the entire flat today and fixed the door as well. No more bottles on the table, I also wrote a new song 😊”  
Jade was still really torn. She had just so mixed feelings about this entire Jed thing. She decided to answer him later as their bags arrived.  
When they arrived at the hotel, their manager brought them the room keys.  
“So Jade and Perrie, Jesy and Leigh-Anne you will share rooms”  
The girls looked at each other excited, well except for Jade. They were always excited as if it was their first sleep over.  
Jade put on a smile as well. When Perrie went to hug her, she flinched again as Perrie touched her rip. Perrie noticed it but did not want to point it out in front of the others.   
When they all were in their respective rooms, Jade went into the bathroom right away, her injuries hurt really bad and she wanted to take her medicine and put some cream on her rips. Luckily, Perrie went to Jesy because she had to get some stuff, so she got a moment of privacy to do this. When she was standing in front of the mirror pulling up her shirt and applying the cream, the door opened and Perrie walked in.  
Jade quickly put down the shirt and put the cream behind her back.  
“What are you doing?” Perrie asked as she had seen Jade standing there suspiciously.  
“Ehm nothing” Jade stood there awkwardly.  
“Nothing?” Perrie raised an eyebrow.  
“I was just putting on some body lotion” Jade shrugged.  
“Ehm okay..” Perrie was a bit confused by this situation.  
“Yeah” Jade put on a smile.  
“Ehm should I help you? Rubbing your back or so?” Perrie asked friendly.   
Wow, this sounded so wrong, Perrie thought, shaking her head at herself.  
“Oh I’m good thanks” Jade then quickly went to put the cream away and sat down on the bed, grabbing her phone to answer Jed.  
Jade: That’s good to hear. We’re in Holland now… gotta go to bed now, I’m really tired. Sleep tight.


	10. 10- Please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually decided to split this chapter into two parts, as it was getting really long. So here's the first part, we can finally see our Jade and Perrie talking a bit.. more or less. And in the end we get to a more "fun" part which will be continued in the second part of this chapter (aka Chapter 11). Until then, enjoy this one. And I think in Chapter 12/13 it will get to the pinnacle point of the Jed drama.

Perrie POV  
I sat on my bed and watched Jade. It was eating me up. Why couldn’t she tell me? Why? Didn’t she trust me? I knew that there is something up and I just didn’t get why she wouldn’t talk to us. I always talked about my problems, this was really upsetting to me. I suddenly thought about our fight again. We didn’t talk about it again, neither she appeared to be mad at me or anything, still I thought that I might at least address it, right?  
“Jade?” I asked carefully.  
“Hm?” Jade barely looked up from her phone.  
“Ehm.. about Sunday… I’m really sorry if I pressured you too much…” I tried to start the conversation.  
Jade swallowed, she seemed to have had completely forgotten about that “Oh ehm… you know what.. I’m sorry Pez.. I didn’t mean anything I said. I was just angry and tired and.. you were the person that was there in the moment.. so you got to feel all my frustration”.   
“It’s okay Jade…” I paused for a moment, when I saw that she scrolled through her phone again.   
But I felt the urge to continue to speak to her. Even though she did not tell me the truth yet, I still felt somewhat included and as if I was there for her at the moment. I mean, I was there obviously. But when we spoke, I could at least make sure, that she knew it as well.  
“Jade?” I asked quietly again.  
Jade looked up shortly “Pez?”  
“Are you okay?” I mumbled.  
I was somewhat afraid that she might get fed up again, as I could not even guess how many times she must have heard that question in the last days. Still, I could not stop asking, not until I would know what was up. Jade was my best friend, I loved her, I would never give up. Not so easily.  
Jade laughed “Yeah… Now with the medication the wound is getting much better”  
“That’s not what I meant… well also good to know… but how are you actually feeling?”  
Jade put her phone away and I could see how she sat up straight “I.. ehm… what..” I could see her literally struggling for words, fighting to find the right thing to say.  
I interrupted her “Jade are you depressed? I mean, do you have a depression? Like Jesy had… you know when she..” then Jade interrupted me as I was starting to get upset just thinking about that.  
When Jesy was at her low point a few years ago, it was so bad. It all affected us and maybe that was also what was going on with Jade, I thought. Back in the days, it was also really hard for Jesy to open up and she became really self-destructive, so maybe that was also a thing for Jade.  
Jade looked at me “What? No, I mean not really…” she shook her head hysterically “gosh… what am I saying”.  
Her stuttering really confused me, so I got up and sat down next to her on the bed, she looked at me pleading.  
“Perrie I’m not depressed”.  
I looked at her and took her shaking hands “Well what is it then, my love?”  
“I… I” she still struggled to find words.  
I could literally see and feel how hard it was for her to speak about this. I wanted to make it easier for her, so I started thinking of what else it might be.  
“Did Jed cheat on you?” I said firmly.  
Jade raised an eyebrow rather surprised “No!”  
I sighed “Jade…”  
“Perrie..” I could feel her hands heating up, she also quickly jumped up from the bed.  
“I can’t do this right now”.  
I put my head into my hands, I could feel her being hurt but this was really frustrating. I suddenly felt tears running down my cheeks. ‘NO’ I thought, I did not want to make this all about me now but I just could not stop this right now. Jade stamped nervously through the room, when she heard me sobbing, she stopped right away and looked at me worried.  
“Pez?” she came to me and put a hand on my back.  
I slowly looked up “Jade… Please. I can’t do this anymore… seeing you suffer.. it’s just too much” I cried.  
Jade was really shocked and did not know how to react, she just stood there slowly patting my back.  
“Come here” she said and opened her arms for me to hug her.  
When I hugged her, she groaned in pain.  
“THIS!” I said more accusing than intended.  
“What is wrong? Why are you in pain?” when I grabbed her arm, she flinched.  
“And why are you so on the edge all the time? Did someone hurt you?” I said under tears.  
Jade stood there and put her hands on her head trying to contain herself.  
I slowly grabbed the edge of her shirt and pulled it up, surprisingly Jade didn’t stop me this time.   
When Jade saw my shocked face seeing the huge bruise on her body, she also started to cry even though I could see how she tried to avoid it the best she could.  
I carefully touched her stomach, when she winced as I touched it, I pulled my hand away immediately.  
“What is this?” I looked at her upset.  
“I… Perrie… I’m so sorry… but I can’t tell you.. I just can’t… not yet” she cried and pulled her shirt down and ran out of the room.   
I waited a moment to breathe and wipe my tears away, then I grabbed my jacket and headed outside. I was not surprised to see her standing outside the hotel smoking. When she saw me, she quickly put the cigarette behind her back and swallowed the smoke which made her cough. I walked towards her.  
“Jade, it’s fine.. I know that you’re smoking… just do it… if it makes you feel better for now”  
I could see how bad she was feeling, she slowly pulled her hand back from behind her back and continued to smoke anyways.  
“Why do you do this?” I asked curiously.  
Jade just shrugged monotonously.   
“Is this because of the bruises?” I tried to connect the dots.  
Jade gave me a look and then took another pull.  
I just sat down next to Jade and remained quiet, I thought that that was the best for her right now. Also I started to go through everything that happened so far in thougths… so when did this start? It started when we met for the planning of the album promo. When we recorded the last song and had the party she was still ‘normal’. Okay, I reasoned that then something must have happened at that weekend? Did we actually see how she got home from the party or what happened? Not really, we were all drunk. So either something happened after the party or maybe also right at the party and we missed it.. or the Sunday afterwards… or Monday morning. Okay one of those days, I deduced. It all started with her being just tired and a bit distanced, and then she just was completely isolated from us and all quiet, she also started with this weird behavior of disappearing all the time, calling in sick and not changing with us anymore. So this also got continuously worse, so either something happened and she is kind of traumatized or depressed, or she has some kind of sickness… mental or physical or… suddenly the Jed incident came into my mind again, how he was all drunk and Jade lashed out on me after confronting her about it… it has to have something to do with Jed… that must be it. It would all make sense… I was being ripped out of thoughts when Jade poked me in the arm.  
“Hey… I’m finished… wanna go upstairs again?”  
“Oh… uhm.. yeah” I was completely lost in thought, so I quickly got up and followed her.  
When we were upstairs and I wanted to ask her another question, she answered really tired and exhausted.  
“Perrie… I just can’t do this right now… I’m too tired… it’s too much”.  
I nodded quickly “Sure… let’s go to sleep”.  
Jade sighed and went to bed. So did I, but I did not sleep soon, I continued thinking about everything for the next hours. I was a bit disappointed that she still did not tell me the truth but at least I was one step further than the previous day, I thought.  
The next morning, I woke up to Jade standing in front of the mirror putting cream on her bruises, I was a bit surprised but also relieved to see that she did not feel the need to hide in the bathroom anymore.  
After the performances, Jesy and me decided to go to a bar even though Leigh-Anne and Jade decided to stay in for some movies, but I really wanted to talk to Jesy.  
“I talked to Jade yesterday.. more or less” I blurted out once we had a drink.  
“What.. I was gonna ask… tell me everything!” Jesy said excited.  
So I continued to tell her everything from the bruises to my thoughts and us outside. I finished by saying “well she did not technically tell me much, but it is progress”.  
Jesy nodded “Yea and at least you know that you’re on good terms now”.  
I nodded and sighed “You can’t imagine how frustrating it is.. but at least she is giving me… something”.   
Jesy put on a light smile “Of course she does… she knows you… she starts to open up..”  
I nodded slowly “Well… a bit. I mean she hasn’t really said anything yet but”  
“But it’s a beginning” Jesy completed my sentence.  
We were interrupted when a girl approached my side and said something like “Hoi, hoe gaat het?”  
“Ehm sorry.. I don’t speak Dutch” I said a bit awkward.  
“Oh no problem. Can I get you a drink?” she winked.  
“Ehm sure” I said slowly, still a bit confused by the situation. What was this even? She was just being nice right?  
The girl sat down next to me and ordered drinks while we started to talk.  
“So your British?” she grinned.  
“Yeah, so obvious?” I laughed.  
“I mean your accent is pretty.. well distinct. But not in a bad way though.. I think it’s very sexy”.  
I made really big eyes, being even more confused by all of this.  
“Oh wow okay… thanks”.  
When the woman quickly went back to her table to grab her purse, Jesy turned to me.  
“She’s totally flirting with you”  
“Whaat? She isn’t” I shook my head decisively.  
“Yeah she is” Jesy nodded dramatically.  
“That’s ridiculous” I said frowning.  
“Well wait until she…” Jesy could not finish because the girl was back, sitting next to me. When she sat down she rubbed my back lightly.  
“So how long are you in the Netherlands?” she asked after a while of talking.  
“Uh just until tomorrow, we’re only here for like 2 days to do a radio show”  
“A radio show?” she asked curiously.  
“Yeah we’re singers” I said laughing.  
“Oh really? That’s super cool… and super hot” she grinned and leaned towards me to whisper the second part of the sentence into my ear.  
After approximately 4 drinks and 3 shots, I was starting to feel flustered hearing that. As I noticed my body’s heated reaction, I was a bit shocked so I quickly got up and grabbed Jesy’s hand.  
“I just need to go to the restroom quickly” I excused myself.  
Jesy was quite surprised as she was being ripped out of her conversation with the bar keeper as well. When we arrived I turned around aggressively and Jesy walked into me.  
“Gosh, whatcha doin gal?!” she hissed not expecting my sudden turn.  
“I don’t know what to do!” I said upset.  
“What do you mean?” she frowned also being pretty drunk already.  
“I think this girl is flirting with me” I said upset.  
“Wow it took you this long to notice that”  
I just shrugged and rubbed my head when Jesy grabbed me and looked at me.  
“So you’ve got two options now. So either you’re gonna play along and enjoy the free drinks or you’re gonna tell her off and we’re gonna head home” she said that clearly emphasizing what was her preferred version of this.  
“Okay” I nodded slowly.  
“Okay” she nodded firmly as well and then we went back hand in hand.  
When I walked back in, I looked at her and I did not know whether it was the alcohol speaking or me, but I had to admit that she looked really.. well attractive. Black long hair, red lipstick, a tight dress and heels… well I tried to gain control of my thoughts again and sat back down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, thanks a lot to everyone reading and supporting this fic so far. I'm always so happy to read your comments, so keep up! Also leave me some kudos if you happen to have some spare ones!


	11. 11- A fun night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the second part to the last chapter. I thought I'd let Perrie have a bit fun and go for it...

Perrie POV  
“So you wanna dance a bit now” she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.  
“Sure” I grinned.  
Then she ordered two shots and took my hand to lead me to the dancefloor. Jesy was still talking to the guy but I could see her looking over to us every now and then. We started dancing and she put her hands on my sides. I really enjoyed being touched and fancied, so I played along and danced with her closely. We continued dancing for a bit, when her hands started wandering. First on my lower back then a bit lower and a bit lower, until I could feel her touching my butt. I have to say, it kind of turned me on. Because of the alcohol in my system, I did not waste a second to overthink any of my actions or feelings right now, it was just the alcohol and my hormones leading me. So I also put my hands on her sides and started touching her. Then she looked at me and when I bit my lower lip, she put her hands higher on my back and pulled me towards her. When she pulled me in, she first looked hungrily into my eyes and then at my lips. Before I could do anything, I felt her lips on mine and when our lips touched I completely lost control and kissed her passionately back. So there I was now, on the dancefloor making out with some random woman. 

Narrator  
Meanwhile, Jesy was glancing over to the dancefloor as the barkeeper was mixing a drink for someone, she was always looking over just to watch Perrie a bit, she was not used to seeing her this drunk. She was already looking back at the barkeeper again when her head darted back, her eyes got really big. She could not trust her eyes when she saw Perrie making out with this girl on the dance floor. First, she was kind of shocked, then she grinned and grabbed her phone making sure to take some pictures of the scene. When the barkeeper came back to her, she just continued to talk with him and decided to just let Perrie go for it. After a while, she was looking at the dancefloor, but Perrie and also the woman where nowhere to be seen. She quickly grabbed her phone but did not see a message, she looked around a second time, more carefully. She was responsible for Perrie, so when she did not come back within the next 2 minutes, she got up. She went outside and looked for her but did not see her anywhere. Still the fresh air helped to clear up her mind a bit, so her next destination was the bathroom. Maybe Perrie got sick because she drank too much. As it showed, she was not wrong with that thought, but Perrie was not in the bathroom to throw up. When Jesy opened the door her phone fell almost out of her hand being that surprised by the scene. She saw Perrie being pressed against the wall of the bathroom by the other woman who was kissing her neck and having her hands, respectively, under Perrie’s blouse and in Perrie’s pants. Perrie was just standing there moaning, having her eyes closed. Jesy was kind of frozen for a moment, she did not know what to say. On the one hand, Perrie was an adult and she was not her mom, but on the other hand, she did not want Perrie to do stupid stuff while she was drunk and they were celebrities, so if someone would see this and take a picture, they were dead. Literally, because their management would kill them. She went to wait outside the bathroom when the door opened a moment later and Perrie and the girl walked out hand in hand. That was her chance, so she quickly grabbed Perrie’s arm.  
“Hey Pez… I’m feeling a bit sick.. can we head back now?”  
Perrie turned around more than surprised, she did not even see Jesy standing there, so she was really surprised when she felt her hand on her arm.   
“Ehm… I…” she was just about to tell Jesy to head back alone and that she would go with the girl, then she kind of came back to her senses and thought that it was not that nice to let her friend going back to the hotel alone at night, feeling sick and in a foreign country, so she turned to the girl.  
“Sara, I’m really sorry.. but my friend is not feeling well… and I need to bring her home” she looked at her apologizing.  
Sara looked at her “So you’re not coming with me?”  
“No sorry”   
Sara nodded slowly “Well too bad. But it’s okay, you should make sure to bring her home safely”  
Perrie smiled a bit “Okay. I guess.. bye then”  
Sara bit her bottom lip and pulled Perrie in for a last kiss. Jesy’s eyebrows shot up and she stood there a bit awkward, when she noticed that the kiss was getting heated again, she cleared her throat.  
“Have a good night, Perrie” Sara winked and left then.  
“Wow” said Jesy shaking her head.  
“What?” Perrie blushed.  
“Nothing… really nothing..” Jesy grabbed Perrie’s hand and pulled her through the crowd. On the outside she called a taxi and then they drove back to the hotel.  
During the ride Perrie looked a Jesy.  
“Do you need a bag or something?” asked Perrie while leaning her head against the window.  
“What?” Jesy looked at her confused.  
“You said you were feeling sick” mumbled Perrie.  
“Oh that… that was just an excuse to get you home.. and by home I mean the hotel and not that girl’s bed” Jesy shrugged.  
“What?” said Perrie appalled.  
“Yeah… sorry I robbed you your first full on lesbian encounter” Jesy took out her phone.  
“We weren’t-“ Perrie tried to defend herself when Jesy interrupted her.  
“No, you weren’t making out since like 2 hours and no this girls tongue wasn’t down your throat or her hand down your pants” she looked at Perrie.  
Perrie started to stutter “I…”  
Jesy put a hand on her thigh “It’s fine… I just tried to avoid your lil make out session going viral.. you can make out with whoever you want. I would’ve done the same when it was a guy”   
Perrie looked down, she did not know why she felt this way. A little bit guilty but at the same time really excited. Like she really enjoyed this back there, normally she wasn’t too fond of kissing random people at random parties, but this felt like.. so deliberating. Was she gay? She started to panic. No, she had only dated guys in the past.. she calmed herself done.. but with them she has never felt this way and this was just a random girl. After deciding that this was not helping right now, she just decided that it was the alcohol making her feel this way.  
“You good?” Jesy looked at her.  
“Yeah… I’m just way too drunk” Perrie slurred.  
“Okay but don’t throw up, we’re right there”  
When the taxi stopped, the girls got out and Jesy brought Perrie to her room as she had a bit trouble walking. It was only when she opened the door and being met by a dark room, that she noticed that it was like 5 in the morning. ‘Fuck’ she thought looking at her phone and realizing that she had like a maximum of 2 hours of sleep. She just fell into bed like she was right now as she was just too wasted to do anything right now. She was just glad she made it to bed without destroying any furniture or waking up Jade.  
A bit later Jade stood next to Perrie’s bed and whispered.  
“Perrie, you need to get up”  
“Noo” Perrie groaned.  
She had not even slept properly, there was really literally no way she was getting up right now. Like there was nothing in the world she would like to do right now that didn’t involve sleeping. She was so tired, exhausted and also still pretty drunk. She could just not imagine how she could be able to get up right now and stand on her own feet with her eyes opened.  
“Perrie” Jade sighed “we will miss the train”  
“Don’t care” Perrie pulled her blanket over her head.  
Jade started to get a bit frustrated and pulled at the tip of Perrie’s blanket but she would not let go. When Perrie was not able to hold on anymore, Jade finally threw the blanket out of the bed and grabbed Perrie’s arm to shake her a bit.  
“Please Perrie… get up now. It’s already quite late”  
“Just 5 more minutes” Perrie pressed her cushion over her head.  
“No Perrie!” Jade said a bit annoyed now.  
“Jade please” Perrie whined.   
“NO! GET UP! NOW!” Jade commanded.  
“I can’t really!” Perrie whispered.  
When Jade started to literally drag her out of the bed, Perrie looked at Jade pleading.  
“I’m feeling sick, Jade”  
“Seriously? Or are you just saying that in order to stay in bed?” Jade looked at her critically.  
Suddenly Perrie jumped out of bed and ran as best as she could to the bathroom as she could not walk straight anymore. Perrie leaned over the toilet and started to vomit. Jade was actually really surprised that this wasn’t just some trick of Perrie’s and that she was really sick. Shortly after, Jade went to the bathroom and leaned down to Perrie. Now that she was so close to Perrie she could literally taste the alcohol as Perrie smelled like a bar.  
“Should I inform Steve that you’re sick?”  
Perrie quickly looked at Jade “No, it’s fine”  
“Well you don’t look fine. Did you eat something wrong or what is it?”  
Perrie groaned “Ehm… well Jesy and I stayed out pretty long yesterday night… and I.. must’ve overestimated my drinking capabilities a lil bit” she slurred.  
Jade made big eyes “Oh” then she started to pack her and Perrie’s bag, she also grabbed some joggers for Perrie and threw it to Perrie.  
“Can you change?” she asked while starting tidy up their room.  
“Suree” Perrie grabbed her clothes with eyes closed and tried to pull down her pants.  
When Jade looked at Perrie, she saw her acting in slow motion, she quickly kneeled down next to Perrie and helped her get off her pants.  
“Thanks” Perrie mumbled.  
Then Jade continued to put on some joggers. When she finally had the pants on Perrie which was not quite easy as Perrie was not really helping, like at all. When she stared to undo her blouse, she noticed that the buttons were closed incorrectly which could either mean that Perrie went out like this or that there was a reason to open her blouse, when she saw a hickey on her neck, she concluded that it must be the latter. As she put off the blouse Perrie leaned over again and threw up. Jade sighed and put a hand on Perrie’s back.  
“It’s fine. I got you” she whispered.  
Perrie groaned “I’m so sorry.. Jadey… I should be the one…” she was already exhausted half through the sentence and had to lean over again, then she continued “taking care of you”.  
Jade smiled a bit “Hey… it’s fine. Don’t worry, Pez”  
“But now we have to get you dressed, otherwise we’re really gonna be late” added Jade.  
“Mhh” Perrie closed her eyes again when Jade put some sweater on her.  
Then Jade carefully put an arm around her and helped her up to sit on the bed. Even though it were only a few steps, it still hurt like hell for Jade. Her rips, her back everything hurt from this short strain but Perrie needed her right now, so she had to get through it. When Perrie sat on the bed, Jade took a deep breath in order to recover from the pain. Then she went to give Perrie a plastic bag. When she had just finished and zipped their bags, she heard a knock on the door.  
Jade opened the door and was met by an upset looking Jesy and Leigh-Anne.  
“What are you guys doing? Steve is already so pissed, hurry up” they looked in the room.  
Leigh-Anne frowned when she saw a half-dead Perrie on the bed and then she looked at Jesy and shook her head “How much did you guys drink yesterday.. like seriously?”  
Jesy shrugged a bit guilty “Ehm..”  
Leigh-Anne walked towards Perrie and looked at Jesy “I can’t believe that you let her get this wasted that she can’t even walk the next morning. You knew that we had to leave early today!!”  
“Sorry” Jesy mumbled.  
Leigh-Anne shook her head angrily once again and then approached Perrie.  
“Hey Perrie dear, can you get up? We need to leave now”  
“Mh” Perrie nodded and got up, Leigh-Anne immediately put an arm around her as she saw that Perrie was not really standing safely.  
“I’m dizzy” Perrie mumbled.  
“It’s alright. I got you” Leigh-Anne petted her back and slowly walked with her.  
Jesy grabbed Perrie’s bag and she and Jade followed the other two towards the car in front of the hotel.  
When they arrived at the car, Perrie could see even in her condition that Steve was furious, he closed his eyes and threw a cold look at her while shaking his head. He didn’t have time to give her a lecture on how to behave while on promotion tour right now, so he just got in the car. Jesy and Jade put their bags in the car and Leigh-Anne helped Perrie get in. On their way to the train station Perrie had to throw up one more time, making Steve even angrier.  
Luckily, they still caught their train. Leigh-Anne got in a 4 person booth with Perrie and Jesy and Jade sat in one next to them. Not even 5 minutes into the ride, Perrie fell asleep. The sleep didn’t last long as she had to throw up 2 more times, she also needed Leigh-Anne to walk her to the toilet. But once she could finally stop and her body had calmed down, she could sleep a bit. After almost 2 hours she woke up, her stomach still had a weird feeling and she had a headache but she was feeling much better than shortly before that and she could also think more clearly. When she carefully looked up, she was met by Leigh-Anne’s gaze.   
“Feeling better?”  
Perrie nodded and stretched her arms.   
Leigh-Anne just grinned and shook her head “What the hell did you girls do yesterday?”  
Jesy laughed dirty “The better question is what Perrie Louise Edwards did yesterday”  
Perrie put her head in her hands “Zip it Jesminda!”  
Leigh-Anne looked at them and protested “No, you can’t just let me carry you all the way from the hotel to the train and then not say anything. That’s unfair!”  
Perrie groaned “Well what in Amsterdam happens stays in Amsterdam”  
“That’s Vegas, honey” Leigh-Anne shook her head strictly.  
“Well Perrie met some…” Jesy started only to be interrupted by Perrie.  
“Some alcohol and that’s it” finished her sentence.  
“Oh come on Perrie. We’re best friends.. so you met some guy and made out or what?” Leigh-Anne looked at Perrie.  
Jesy grinned and waited for Perrie to say something, who then just nodded “Yea that’s approximately what happened”   
“Nah actually she met a gal” Jesy teased Perrie.  
When she had finished that sentence Jade’s and Leigh-Anne’s heads popped up and they looked first shocked and then started to grin.  
“What?” Leigh-Anne laughed “Seriously?”.  
“Yep. Our very own Pez took a dip in the Lady Pond” Jesy grinned.  
“Jessica what kind of friend are you to not even document that?” Leigh-Anne shook her head.  
“Who said I didn’t” Jesy raised an eyebrow and grabbed her phone.  
“Don’t!” Perrie looked at her alarmingly.  
Jesy slowly moved her finger on her phone and not even two seconds later, both Leigh’s and Jade’s phone vibrated who took it as fast as they could, then they opened Jesy’s message and had they mouths open.  
“Not bad, right?” Jesy looked at them.  
Leigh-Anne put her phone away and shook her head “Wow you surprise me every time again”.  
Before Perrie or any of the others could say something further they heard someone clearing their throat.  
The girls looked behind them and saw Steve standing there with his arms crossed. Perrie’s heart started to race because she knew exactly what was gonna happen now.  
“You got a moment, Perrie?” he asked calmly and waved her to him.  
“Sure..” she nodded and got up slowly to walk with him a bit away from the others.   
When he was sure that the others could not hear them, he grabbed Perrie’s collar and looked at her angrily.  
“Are you bloody serious?”  
“I.. ehm.. I’m really sorry” she mumbled.  
“That’s all you got?” he looked at her madly and she just shook her head as she did not dare to say anything further.  
“Well let me tell you something!” he let go off her and pointed his finger at her while he started “When you do this one more time, you can be sure that I will let Simon get a notice of this! Do you realize that this a reason for the label to drop you?? How stupid are you to get so fucking drunk all night that you are not even able to walk straight the next morning! We got performances and work to do! This could literally be all over the media if someone saw you and then your career would be ruined, not only yours, but the girls’ as well! They would never forgive you.. just because you fucking stupid dumb blonde thought you have to party a bit! This would destroy our whole image we worked hardly for years for! This is your last warning! And also let your sister Jade know, that if she thinks she can take another free day to hang out with friends, then you two can pack your stuff and start a duo! Cause don’t think I didn’t find out about her visiting a friend while she was supposedly sick. I’m telling you girls, I’m really sick of this bullshit. So either you get your shit together or there will be consequences!”   
Perrie felt really intimidated by his talk, he sounded so hostile and full of hate. She was even a bit scared, she really had to contain herself in order not to start crying right in front of him. When he was finished, she nodded slowly.  
She was about to go, when he pointed his finger at her one more time “And don’t think you got away without any consequences! There will be no release party for the album, neither there will be any more wild going out orgies. I will make sure that someone watches you guys and that you stay at the hotel 24/7!”  
Perrie was a bit speechless “What? You can’t cancel the release party?!”  
“I can and did!” he looked at her evil and then added in an entitled tone “Don’t challenge me, Edwards. And now get back to your place”  
Perrie nodded again and then quietly walked away. The others awaited her already with worried gazes. Perrie fell into her seat and started crying right away.  
Jade get up immediately and slipped into the seat next to Perrie to take her into her arms. Jesy also got up in the seat next to Leigh-Anne.  
“What did the asshole say?” asked Jesy angrily.  
“He.. he said he was gonna cancel the release party and we can’t go out anymore and he was gonna throw me out of the band if that happens again and that he’d tell Simon”  
Jesy formed fists and got really angry “He’s such a bastard! I can’t believe it!”  
Perrie sobbed “I’m so sorry girls…”  
“No. No, don’t be sorry, baby. Things like this happen. And also he can’t throw you out of the band” Jade smiled a bit encouraging.  
“I.. I just feel so bad” Perrie shrugged under tears.  
All the girls hugged her and then Leigh-Anne smiled a bit at her “You know what, we’ll do just our own release party, the party they would organize would suck anyways… And if they want to throw you out, guess what- then we’ll all leave and go to another label that doesn’t treat us like trash”  
Jade nodded strongly.   
“Yes, we’ll always stick together! And now stop worrying Perrie. You can’t change it anyways” Jesy shrugged.  
“At least we had a hell of a night” she laughed and Perrie laughed with her, as well as the other girls.


	12. 12- Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this a long ass chapter. I also considered splitting it but i think i already let you wait long enough for an update, so here you go. So sorry that this took so long but i was really busy and wanted to make this good as well. Anyways, there's a lot of stuff happening in here. This is also the turning point of the story and the start of the Jerrie storyline. So Jerrie will be the clear focus in the next chapters. Also i want to say that i have stuff planned for the next chapters and Jade is definitely not out of the woods yet, there still a lot to happen, but now she got Perrie on her side. This might not even be Jade's rock bottom yet, we kind of have to wait and see... But yeah i hope you still enjoy the story, have fun reading this! i think i let you wait long enough for this promised pinnacle point- but here it is

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Extreme violence, substance abuse

Chapter 12- Dark  
Somehow the girls managed to get through the days. There was still much tension between them and Steve, but besides that the next few days went by quite effortlessly. Of course, there was a lot of tiredness and exhaustion involved in the traveling but they made it somehow. The fact that Steve forbid them to go out did not bother them at all because they were traveling most of the time anyways and if they weren’t traveling, they were sleeping. Besides the performances, there was also not a lot of interaction between the girls, but not because they were fighting but just because everyone was just really tired. In the last days, they had individual rooms as well, so there was also no real chance for a lot of chatting. It was Friday night in Italy. Jade and Leigh-Anne were sharing a room, just as Jesy and Perrie. Jade and Leigh-Anne were just watching some movie before they would go to sleep eventually. Perrie and Jesy were watching a movie too but started to talk afterwards a bit.

*Flashback to the movie*  
Jesy and Perrie were lying in the bed and watching TV. The movie dealt with a girl who fell in love with her best friend without even knowing that she was gay and how much hurting that caused her, until she came to terms with her identity. When Perrie watched the movie she unwillingly got really emotionally, like the movie was actually tell her story. She could relate to all of those feeling and thoughts the girl had. At some point, she really drifted away in her thoughts and ended up thinking about Jade. She noticed that these weren’t just some friendly thoughts but that it meant so much more to her, maybe that was also the reason why Jade’s behavior and state impacted her so much. But she could never tell Jade, she was straight, also it would destroy the band. Never in a million years would the management allow her to be out or be with Jade. It was just so much hurt to Perrie. She concluded that she might need continue to live this lie she lived the last years just for the next years as well. It all just was so overwhelming and confusing, why couldn’t she just be in love with Zayn or another boy.   
At some point during the movie, Jesy looked over to Perrie and she could see by her face that Perrie was lost in thoughts and that there was something on her mind that must bother her because she looked really distressed. Looking back at the TV and thinking about their little escapade, she kind of connected the dots and thought that there might be something more behind everything than just a drunk night.   
*End flashback, after the movie*

Perrie and Jesy were talking about general things when Perrie changed the topic, it still bothered her very much so she decided to discuss this with Jesy.  
“Do you think we’ll get in trouble for… you know, that night?” Perrie asked a bit worried.  
“Nah… I don’t think so… I just think that Steve has something to compensate and that’s why he always likes to play the boss and command us” Jesy rolled her eyes.  
“You sure? Like he was so angry..” Perrie looked down.  
Jesy put her hand on Perrie’s arm “Hey babe… you have to stop worrying. It doesn’t suit you well.. if he would’ve want to do something, then he would’ve done so already”  
Perrie nodded “You must be right”  
Jesy winked “Ya know, I’m always right”  
Perrie laughed a bit, then Jesy raised an eyebrow “Now that we’re back at this topic… there’s something I wanted to ask you?”  
Perrie looked at her starting to panic mildly “Jessica just ask and stop scaring me with declarations like that”  
“Calm your tits” Jesy rolled her eyes.  
“Well.. what I wanted to ask is…” she paused a moment and could not suppress a smirk while she looked at Perrie critically “Do you like girls?”  
Perrie started to blush immediately “Whaat? Why would you think that?” she kind of felt caught, like could Jesy read her mind. Or why else would she ask that.  
“Ehm.. I mean” Jesy looked at her signaling that it was obvious “okay you were drunk that night.. but not that drunk that you can pretend to not having been there, acting like this”  
“I am not pretending I wasn’t there. But I mean, like why would you think I’m… gay or what? Every girl has kissed another girl at some point. Like you told me that you kissed your friend Kate as well?!” Perrie tried to justify herself.  
“Yeah well there’s a difference between a smooch you give your best friend or like full on making out. And also I’m not saying that you’re gay or anything. I was just asking.. you could be bi or just open or whatever?” Jesy suggested.  
Perrie was visibly uncomfortable as she was still very red and moving around on the bed “Ehm… I.. was just drunk.. and it was like a one time thing.. or whatever..”   
Jesy looked at her and knew that she hit a raw point “Hey babe… I’m not implying that you are… anything. I was just wondering… I mean I could see you being so touched by the subject in the movie. But.. ehm did you like.. like it… at all?”  
“I ehm… I don’t know… I was just drunk” Perrie tried to look away.  
Jesy eyed her up “Babe… you don’t have to feel bad or anything… I’m your best friend, you can trust me.. we can talk about anything” she put a hand on Perrie’s back to calm her down a bit.  
“I… I… just don’t know, Jesy” Perrie shrugged and started to become a bit upset.  
Jesy pulled her in for a hug “Hey it’s okay… really… it’s totally normal to go through this. You know this, but we… Jade, Leigh-Anne and I, we will always love and accept you, no matter who you love… really there’s no reason for you to be afraid or feel bad…”  
Perrie started to cry and hugged Jesy, she whispered “I’m just so confused… This is all too much… I have all these feelings.. like why can’t I just feel this way about guys?”  
Jesy was quite surprised to hear this actual confirmation from Perrie but she was also really proud of her and hugged her even stronger “It’s just not that easy, babe”  
Perrie nodded a bit. Then Jesy pressed her away from herself and held her arms to look at her directly “I love you, Pez. We all love you. Please don’t cry anymore, there’s no reason, you are absolutely amazing just the way you are. You can take all the time you need to figure your feelings out, just don’t force yourself anymore into things you don’t want, okay?... And if you’re gay, so what! Who cares, makes our group just more diverse and greater. Remember, our name is program! No one will love you any less and who does.. has never loved you truly anyways” Jesy especially emphasized the part about not having to force herself into any things because she knew deep down exactly how unlucky Perrie was with Zayn and that it was just a thing the management had set up for her, even though it destroyed her internally.  
Perrie was really touched by Jesy’s words, she took a deep breath and smiled lightly “Thanks Jesy, I love you” she hugged her again.  
“I love you too. Just take all the time you need… and remember we can always talk about anything alright?”  
Perrie nodded “But please don’t tell the others yet before I’m certain”  
Jesy looked at her “You know that you can trust them with anything as well, but I respect your decision… you can take your time and tell them whenever you’re ready”  
Perrie smiled and she felt really relieved. She has never talked about this before, she has had these feelings since quite some time but always suppressed them and ignored it or blamed it on the alcohol or what else was at hand in that moment. It felt good to talk about it with someone and Jesy’s words encouraged her to be more open towards exploring these feelings and this part of herself as opposed to pushing it away right away. This night might have caused her some trouble but it has also brought her some kind of personal awaking. 

It was the last night of the Europe tour, Perrie was already in bed, they were doing the last performance tomorrow before flying home in the evening. She lay down and watched Jade who was in the bathroom applying balm on her torso, she could see Jade’s back as she left the door open. As she was watching her, she noticed a bit of a bruise on Jade’s back too. When she saw Jade struggling to reach it, she got up and grabbed the balm out of her hand. Jade was startled as she did not see Perrie coming.  
“Sorry Jadey, didn’t wanna scare you. Just thought I’d help you”  
She could see Jade tensing when she slowly applied the balm on her back. She rubbed it carefully on her back to avoid causing pain. Jade was still very much tensed and overwhelmed by the situation so she just let Perrie go for it. When Perrie was finished, she turned Jade around.   
“How is your wound?” she pointed to Jade’s forehead.  
“Ehm… still hurting a bit but much better”  
“Should I also put some ointment on it?”  
Jade was a bit unsure of what to do with this, so far she has not showed or told anyone about her injuries. Letting Perrie in and help her felt somewhat weird. When Jade didn’t answer, Perrie grabbed a tube and put it carefully on Jade’s forehead.  
Jade narrowed her eyes as it hurt a bit.  
“Are you okay?” asked Perrie after she was finished.  
Jade nodded and looked at Perrie. Perrie just took her hand and walked her to the bed. When Jade sat down, Perrie sat down next to her.  
“So can you tell me now… how did this happen?”  
Jade was still completely quiet and trying to process the situation, making up her mind about what to say to Perrie. At some point, Perrie was getting impatient and just blurted it out.  
“It was him, right?”  
Jade’s eyes became really big and she started to panic. She asked herself at what point she gave it away, she went through all of their past conversations.   
“How… why… no, he didn’t” she stuttered.  
“Jade, why don’t you just tell me now? I can literally see that you’re lying”  
“You don’t understand” Jade shook her head upset.  
“Well let me tell you, if a guy would ever raise his hand against me, I’d be out before he could even do anything”  
Jade started to cry hearing that. On the one hand, she was feeling badly about herself, like what was wrong with her for not leaving Jed. She was so pathetic and weak. On the other hand, she was angry with Perrie because she didn’t understand at all how this was.  
“He didn’t” she just repeated sobbing.  
Even though Jade was still saying he didn’t do anything, she knew exactly that he did just because of her reaction. She wouldn’t be crying like this if there wasn’t some truth to this. Seeing how this affected Jade, she just took her in her arms deciding not the question her further.  
When Perrie put her arms around Jade, at first Jade felt really uncomfortable, not only because it hurt but also because she didn’t like people holding and touching her at this point. But when Perrie didn’t let go and she started to relax a bit, she grabbed Perrie with much more force and cried on her shoulder. After what a few minutes, Jade let go and Perrie looked at her.  
“Better?” she asked looking at Jade.  
Jade nodded a bit and wiped her tears away “Let’s go to sleep now”.

*Back in London*  
Jade saw Jed already waiting for her outside the airport, he smiled brightly but she just didn’t know how to react. He might play nice now, but she couldn’t just forget what had happened. Also who knows, his mood could switch any time. When Perrie saw Jed kissing Jade, she was disgusted, she felt really sick in her stomach. She could also see how uncertain Jade was, she didn’t look happy at all, she might put on a smile but she truly wasn’t happy. She was just playing a role. Jesy poked in Perrie’s side and grinned.  
“Look how cute Jed is, he brought Jade flowers”  
Perrie rolled her eyes and said nothing.  
“What’s wrong?” Jesy raised an eyebrow.  
Perrie shrugged “Dunno. Just don’t like Jed, he just seems to be trying way too hard”  
Jesy looked at Perrie and shook her head “Well I think it’s cute”  
Perrie was really shocked that really no one else besides her could see this and could sense how fake Jed was being.  
At home, Jesy was sitting on the couch smiling foolishly while she was on the phone texting.  
“Who you texting with acting like a lovesick teenager?”  
Jesy blushed “Ah Pez. I’m not!”  
Perrie insisted “Yes you are. So mind to tell me who this is?”  
“Well it’s some guy I got to know. He’s really nice and funny.. and hot” Jesy grinned and showed Perrie a picture who nodded affirmingly.  
“Actually he asked me out… and he has a friend who wanted to ask if you’d be down for a double date tomorrow”  
“Uh ehm… I..” Perrie stuttered unsure of what to say.  
“You don’t have to of course… I can totally understand if you don’t want to do that” Jesy reassured her.  
Perrie thought a moment and then looked at her “You know what, actually I’d be down. I mean why not.. maybe it can also help me sorting my feeling and stuff, so yeah”.  
Jesy grinned “Great I’ll let him know then. Uh I’m so excited that will be so much fun!”

Jade spend the afternoon with Jed in bed, they were watching some series and she was just glad to avoid any conversation. When Jed put an arm around her, she started to feel uneasy, he continued to rub her back, making her feel even more tensed. At some point he put his hand on Jade’s thigh and started to rub it, which made her just feel so uncomfortable that she couldn’t bear it anymore and grabbed his hand to put it away. Jed looked at her, he wanted to say something but just remained quiet and groaned silently instead.   
In the evening, Jade was in the bathtub while Jed was cooking. Jade was actually pleasantly surprised that when she came down everything was set up for a romantic dinner and the food looked eatable as well. The rest of the evening wasn’t too bad at all. Jed even got his guitar and sang a new song he wrote for Jade.

'If I could even say   
If I could even tell you  
If I could even explain  
How sorry I am  
How sorry I am  
So sorry   
I am so sorry   
So sorry  
For everything you went through  
If I could turn back time  
If I could make things undone  
Believe me  
Believe me  
I would  
I am so sorry  
So sorry  
For everything I put you through  
I love you  
I love you so much  
Baby, please forgive me  
Forgive me  
Please'

When he was finished, Jade was actually in tears. This didn’t make things easier for her, she was so torn. She did not know what to do, but right now she just went along with things.  
Afterwards, Jed went to Jade and kissed her, he whispered “I am so sorry”.  
Jade nodded. 

  
When they went to bed, Jed turned to Jade, she could feel him stare, so she turned to him as well. He looked at her for a moment before he started to kiss her. This emotional rollercoaster the last days was just too much for her, so she decided not to think about it anymore and to just go with the moment, so she kissed him back. Obviously, things went further than kissing and even though she did not feel entirely comfortable and knew deep down that this was not the right thing to do, she just went along and didn’t stop him. She also felt a bit guilty- he cooked her dinner, he stopped drinking and changed so much for her, so she wanted to give him something back. When Jed was finished, he was really out of breath and exhausted, he moved from being on top of her to lie down next to her. After a moment, he looked at Jade.  
“That was really great”   
Jade just nodded silently, it was so weird, she usually enjoyed sex and making love. But she didn’t feel anything at all. She just felt empty and guilty and bad about herself.  
“Did you come too?” he looked at her.  
Jade nodded again “yeah” even though that was a lie.   
If Jed really cared about her, he would’ve noticed that as well, she was just lying underneath him not acting at all, but he was just so caught up in his thing that he didn’t even notice.  
“Great.. I’ve really missed loving you” he gave her a kiss and turned around to sleep.  
Jed fell asleep quite quickly but Jade was awake for some time even though she was so tired. But her mind was just so busy ruminating. 

The following morning Jed turned around to find Jade already awake.   
“Morning babe” he gave her a kiss.  
“Morning” she mumbled, she barely slept that night. It was weird, she was so tired and exhausted but still she didn’t sleep well.   
“Up for a morning quickie?” he whispered and started kissing her neck while touching her breasts under the blanket.  
She let it go for a second but then she sat up explosively “I can’t do this right now.. sorry”  
Jed raised his hands questioning “Why? What’s wrong?”  
Jade shrugged and got out of bed “I don’t know, I just don’t feel like it right now”  
Jed let himself sink back into the bed, it was really frustrating for him. He really tried to change and better himself but he felt like he was the only one trying. Jade was still not herself again and being a bit distanced. He really didn’t know what else he could do to change her mind about him. When Jade was gone, he grabbed a flask out of his nightstand and took a sip, then he threw in a pill. After he calmed down, he got up and put on his happy face again.   
“So babe, how about we go out tonight. Have some fun?”  
Jade looked at him and hesitated a moment because she didn’t really feel like going out but she already sensed how frustrated he was when she turned him down earlier, so she could not say no again.  
“Yeah sounds good”  
“Great” Jed grinned and gave her a quick kiss.

Perrie and Jesy came into a bar where they sat down with the two guys. Jesy and Dean were flirting heavily the whole time but Perrie felt really awkward any time Jake complimented her. After a while Jesy went to the restroom, so Jake took the opportunity to get up and get in the booth next to Perrie. He put an arm around her.  
“So what do you think? You wanna get out of here some time later and let me see you stripping out of that hot dress you’re wearing” when Perrie just looked at him speechless, he added “I also got a new mattress so I still need someone to test that with and I bet I could make you scream higher than some of those high notes you’re hitting” he winked.  
Perrie was disgusted hearing what he just said, she could not even trust her ears.  
“Ehm excuse me” she got up and went to the bathroom as well.  
When she walked around the corner Jesy was already approaching her to walk back to the table, so she grabbed her arm and pulled back into the bathroom.  
“What’s going on?” asked Jesy confused.  
“Jake is being really disgusting and I just want to leave!” explained Perrie upset.  
Jesy looked at her “What did he do?”  
“Just talking crap like ‘oh I’m gonna make you scream louder than some of those notes you’re singing’” told Perrie Jesy rather annoyed.  
Jesy rolled her eyes “Ugh so sorry, babe. I thought he was nice”  
Perrie shook her head “I just can’t do this anymore”  
Jesy nodded quickly and grabbed her hand “Hey, it’s okay! Just like I said, no more pretending… we don’t need this. Fuck this guy, let’s go home”  
Perrie looked at her “But you and Dean get along well, don’t you?”  
When Jesy nodded, Perrie continued “Then you don’t have to leave with me. Please stay here, enjoy yourself. You deserve it, honestly. Imma just go home alone and watch some Law & Order”   
Jesy raised an eyebrow “You sure?”  
Perrie nodded “Yes, I am”.  
Then the two returned and told Jake that Perrie had a headache and wanted to leave therefore.

Meanwhile, Jade and Jed headed out to a pub too. Jed was driving because Jade’s fee arrived and she had a driving ban for some time now. She was only aware where they were, when she got out of the car. They were actually at the same spot, she had to pick him up from some time ago. She chose not to say anything because she didn’t want to provoke a fight.  
They sat down and looked for some drinks and snacks. When Jed ordered wine, she looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  
“I thought you didn’t want to drink anymore”  
Jed looked at her and put his hand on hers “Hey, it’s fine babe. It’s just a glass of wine. Not the same as what I used to do, which I stopped of course. This won’t affect me at all, don’t worry”  
Jade said nothing as she was just not too sure of it but she was also afraid to fight him, so she just ordered a soft drink for her.  
After they finished eating, Jed had finished his wine and was ordering a beer, again Jade was unsure of what to make out of this. As far as she knew, alcoholics couldn’t drink just a glass now and then without this leading to problems.  
Jed talked most of the time because Jade was already tired of this evening when Jed decided to order alcohol. Like why did he have to do this? He promised her he would change and now he is already starting again just after one day.   
When Jed ordered the next beer after just 5 minutes, Jade was starting to get really pissed. Also Jed noticed this apparently, as he looked at her.  
“Hey, what’s wrong, babe?”  
“Uh nothing” Jade shrugged annoyed.  
“Ehm that doesn’t sound like nothing?! Why don’t you just tell me instead of acting all bitchy the whole evening”  
Jade shook her head “Why can’t you just not drink for one evening? You held me speeches about how you’re gonna change and quit drinking and now we’re here exactly one day after I returned and you’re already on your third glass!”  
“I changed! This is something completely different. I just choose to enjoy a beer but I don’t have to!” he argued.  
“Well I don’t know.. this is just not how I imagined it to be” Jade looked at her hands and started fidgeting with her fingers.  
Jed laughed ironically “No? This is not how the princess imagined it to be... Sorry that I am my own person with own interests and likes”  
“This has literally nothing to do with me wanting to change you…” Jade frowned.  
“But you are! You’re always just complaining: Jed do this, Jed do that. Jed stop doing that. Jed be that. Jed you’re so mean. Jed you’re always drinking. Jed you don’t do anything. Jed this, Jed that! How about that? How else am I meant to find peace when you’re always complaining and bitching around. And when I am nice and do breakfast for you, cook for you, buy flowers, you can’t even thank me or give me a smile. It’s always my fault and my flaws. Well maybe you are the problem after all? Ever considered that? Have you ever thought why I had to start drinking? Maybe because you are just so utterly obnoxious to be around with! Maybe it’s not me? Maybe it’s you!!”  
Jade felt tears forming in her eyes, she quickly got up and went to the restroom “Excuse me”.  
When she stood in front of the mirror and saw her mascara all messed up and her red puffy eyes, she shook her head. Maybe he was right, maybe it was her. When they first came together he wasn’t like this, he only became this way when they moved along in their relationship, so maybe it was her fault that he became this way.  
She startled when she suddenly saw a woman next to her, looking at her. She felt really bad standing there crying, she was so ridiculous, so she just looked down until she heard her speak up.  
“Don’t I know you?”   
She looked at the woman and recognized her right away, she was the bartender that helped her with Jed.  
“Ehm… yeah… I think we’ve met some time ago”  
The woman nodded “Drunk boyfriend right?”  
Jade nodded slowly, a bit ashamed.  
The woman looked at her concerned “What’s wrong dear?”  
“Ehm nothing” Jade brushed it away and looked at the sink.  
“Is he drunk again?” she raised an eyebrow.  
“Well not exactly. But drinking and that’s already sufficient”   
The woman looked at her concerned “Does he drink a lot?”  
“Everyday.” Said Jade simply.  
“Oh dear…” the woman approached Jade and when she wanted to touch her, Jade flinched a bit. Then the woman also remembered the mark Jade had on her face that night which already caught her attention last time.  
“Does he hit you too?”  
Jade felt the tears rushing again, bit her lip and nodded a bit.  
“You need to get out of there right now. You are such a beautiful person, don’t let him take that away from you. Like literally, go out there, drive home, pack your stuff and leave. You   
can come to me if you have nowhere to go, but please just go… They will always tell you how they’re gonna change, but they ain’t! They’ll just be nice whenever it is fortunate for them but ultimately they’ll always return to their old ways. Don’t let this sugarcoating impress you.. trust me, I know what I am talking about” she almost pleaded.  
Jade shook her head while rubbing her eyes “I can’t”  
“Yes you can! And you need to!” the woman insisted.  
Jade sighed, when the woman looked at her watch, she hissed.  
“Fuck. Imma need to go back inside. But please promise me that you’ll leave him!”  
Jade nodded hesitantly.  
“Promised?” she gave Jade a critical look.  
Jade nodded again “Promised”.  
When the woman had left, Jade looked in the mirror, rubbed her tears away and took a deep breath while telling herself to get her crap together. When she found some confidence, she walked back outside and to the table. There she grabbed her handbag and started to walk away immediately.  
“What are you doing?” asked Jed confused.  
“Leaving!” Jade just continued walking while being followed by Jed.  
“You can’t just leave” he walked behind her.  
“Yes, I can and I am”   
When Jade walked through the door, Jed was being stopped by security “What about paying, lad?”  
Jade was glad that they stopped Jed, so she quickly got into a cab and headed home, determined to pack her stuff.  
When she was finished with a small bag and came down the stairs only a few meters away from the door, the front door burst open and Jed stood in front of her.  
“You’re going nowhere!”   
“Get out of my way” demanded Jade, trying to push him out of the way.  
“Can you please stop this? And just listen to me for a minute?” Jed looked at her.  
Jade shook her head “I have listened to you way too long!”  
“Hey, we have both made mistakes. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t have drank this evening. But I’m not even drunk or so, so I don’t really get the point of this whole drama. But anyways… I made mistakes and so did you. We are starting again right now and this is going good so far. Why destroying all of this? Don’t you know what I did for you?” he tried to change her mind.  
“No this isn’t going good. We’re on the second day and you’re drinking again. And yes, it were only two three beers but that’s exactly how it starts.. and what did you even do?”   
“I had to quit drinking, that was really hard. Do you even know what withdrawal feels like?” he looked at her with big eyes.  
“No I don’t, cause I’m not an alcoholic. But what else? Oh so you fought your addiction? Isn’t that the minimum?”   
Jed stuttered a bit “And I also.. started to seek help.. for the other.. eh.. problems… anger and stuff”  
“And have you actually got help so far?” Asked Jade not being impressed at all.  
“I’m seeking but that’s the first step in the right direction right? But what about you? You didn’t change anything at all? What’s your contribution?” he tried to put the focus away from him again.   
“What should I change? I didn’t do anything wrong” said Jade convinced.  
“You didn’t do anything wrong? What about all that criticizing and blaming me? You ignoring me? You not being there and supporting me? Or you not giving me what I need?”  
“What don’t I give you what you need? I’m literally the one paying for all of this” she pointed at the room “and the food and what you’re wearing cause where’s your money? Ah the alcohol and drugs and what else..” Jade started to speak a bit louder.  
“Yeah and what about some love? We didn’t have sex in the last three weeks except for yesterday. I’m also a man with needs”   
Jade shook her head “You’re being ridiculous. How about you just jack off then?!”  
Jed grabbed her arm “How about you jack me off cause your my girlfriend!”  
Jade pulled her arm away explosively “Stop it!”  
Jed rolled his eyes “I was just joking babe. Since when are you so prude?”  
Jade looked at him “I want to leave now”  
“And I’m not letting you until we have talked”  
Jade groaned “What else do you wanna talk about? Literally everything has been said”  
Jed tried to think of something, he did not actually know what to talk about but he didn’t want to let her leave.  
He spoke up calmly “How about we both take a deep breath, calm down, sit down and have a talk?”  
Jade took a deep breath and even though she didn’t want this and also didn’t know what else they could possible talk about, she went ahead.

Jade POV

I walked towards the couch and sank down, when I sunk into the couch, I felt something hard against my back. So I slipped a bit to the front and turned around. When I grabbed the cushion I saw a bottle of vodka hidden behind it. I wasn’t even angry, I just felt empty, betrayed once again. When Jed saw my face, he started stuttering.  
“This isn’t what it looks like… I must have forgotten it”  
I just shook my head and got up again, when my feet hit against the couch while getting up, I could feel something touch my heel. I bent down and saw three bottles of beer under the couch.  
“Wow I suppose you forgot these as well” I implied annoyed.  
“Ehm…” Jed could not even justify himself, so I just walked ahead.  
“Please wait” he pleaded once again. But this was it. I was done, nothing he would say could change my mind.  
I didn’t stop so he grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.  
“I said stop!” he hissed. I didn’t know what it was but something in his eyes made me feel uneasy.  
It was this spark again, that was there when he got really angry and lost control. I could feel that this wasn’t gonna end well, so I tried to get free.  
“Please Jed, just let me go!” I pleaded him while I felt tears rushing down my cheeks again.  
“Stop crying! You’re ridiculous!” he glared at me coldly.  
“You’re scaring me Jed” I said becoming really afraid as what might happen next. He was just so unpredictable and I could see that he wasn’t himself right now.  
“I am scaring you? Well let me give you a reason to be scared” then he pushed me very hard so that I fell on the ground.  
When I was down on the floor and saw Jed standing above me with this look on his face, I could feel my heart racing.  
“What are you doing?” I whispered afraid.  
He shook his head “You’re giving me no other option”  
I had no idea what he was talking about “What do you mean?”  
“You’re being such an ungrateful little bitch. And I’m not gonna let you humiliate myself by leaving me. I’m not gonna be the one that is left behind!”  
I started to cry again, I was so afraid of him right now. I would have never imagined that it was possible.. to be so scared of someone you used to love.  
“Say something!”  
When I just continued crying, he shouted “Say something, you stupid bitch! I’m not gonna let you play the victim any longer and let you present me as the bad bad guy”   
“I’m afraid” I whispered.  
He shook his head and bit his lip, then he turned around a bit.  
“I don’t know why you are doing this… but if you think it will make me want to stay with you, it is doing the exact opposite. I thought you wanted to talk, so let’s talk” I added slowly as he was still looking away.  
Suddenly Jed turned around looking very angry “I AM TRYING! But I can’t talk with you! I guess stupid whores like you just need this!” then he pushed me again on the ground.  
“Stop please” I whined as he was hovering over me.  
“Uh stop please” he mocked me.  
I didn’t know what to do, so I quickly got up and ran upstairs to lock myself in the bedroom until he comes back to senses.  
I was already inside, when he put a foot into the doorframe making it impossible to close the door. Right in that moment, I knew that I was lost. No one was there to help. It were just me and Jed, being out of control. He was gonna kill me, I thought. I was already accustomating myself with the thought that this might be the last minute of my life. I was being ripped out of my thoughts, when he pushed his body against the door and came bursting into the room. Before I could even do something, he hit me right into the face with full force. I stumbled backwards against the bed and fell onto it. I hit the back of my head against the wall and saw him standing in front of me. Before I could even process something I felt his fist hit my face again and again and again. I didn’t even feel pain because I was not in a full state of mind, I just felt my head bobbing to the side every few seconds. When he stopped and I was about to start to process some of the things that just happened, I felt him pulling me out the bed with my hair. It hurt, but I was just so numb and full of adrenaline right now that I could not even guess the full extent of my injuries. He dragged me on the floor in front of the bed and when I tried to crawl away he stepped forcefully onto my ankle, I could actually hear it break. I screamed loudly in pain, that was the last loud sound there was from me. The rest I could do was just some moans of pain. Then I just lay there, he started to kick against my back and against my stomach and against my chest and against anywhere else he could. At some point I just stopped feeling it. At some point I must have passed out because all my feelings went blunt and also his shouts went quiet.

Narrator 

“Jade? JADE?” Jed screamed at her and shook her.  
She did not move, she did not say anything. He didn’t even notice right away that she passed out, it was only when he didn’t her little moans anymore and didn’t feel any muscle tensions that he sensed that something was wrong. When he shook her again and she didn’t react, he became even more panicked. He thought that he killed her, yes he hit her but he didn’t want to kill her. If she was dead, then his life would be over now. What was just going on with him that he always lost control like this. Who had he become? Not being able to bear this thoughts anymore and starting to feel sick suddenly, he quickly put her back into bed and sprinted downstairs. He grabbed his jacket, pulled out a bag of pills, took all of them and spilled them down with some alcohol. Then he lay down on the couch hoping for some peace.

Jade POV

At some point I must have woken up again because all I could feel was my body and the pain shooting thought my body. After a moment of confusion and being lost, I felt that I was lying in bed. Also suddenly the memories came back into my head, I shivered, my heart started to race and I started to panic.  
When I wanted to move, I groaned “Ah” I literally felt like my body was broken even though I had no idea what was actually wrong. I could not even control it, tears just overcame me.   
A rush of anxiety overcame me just thinking about the incident, I pulled the blanket over my head and my thoughts just went their own way. I could feel Jed hitting me again and hearing him scream. I could not stop this or differentiate reality from illusions at this point, I was just back in the moment.  
I don’t know how it even came this far. Everything started out so well. Jed and I were happy. We were Jade and Jed- the perfect couple. I love…d Jed. Jed loves me. And suddenly this happy fairytale turned into a nightmare full of anxiety, hiding and violence. Right now I am lying under the blanket of my bed hiding. I have tears in my eyes, I feel a fluent substance on my lips, I am not even sure anymore whether it’s blood or my tears. There’s too much blood and too many tears. I hear a buzzing sound in my ear, I think it’s from the hit Jed gave me against the side of my head. It could also be from his yelling. Right now the buzzing is all I hear, I am not sure if this is better or hearing him shout. I wonder how things could have ended up like this. All the love turned into hate. All the trust into fear. I don’t know the exact course things took. All I know that it started on a Saturday morning…  
I am about to go through the things again when the sharp pain that starts to overcome me slowly brings me back into reality. I have to get out of here, I am thinking. I can’t stay here. No matter how, but I have to go. I am so certain, that I move a bit. The pain is crazy but I can’t stop right now, I have to go. I limp with my hurting ankle down the stairs groaning in pain as every step and every movement hurts. I see Jed lying on the couch, I startle being afraid of his presence. But as I see him not reacting I just continue to make my way to the garage. It is as if I am acting with my instinct, I don’t even know where I am going but I am just going. I get myself into the car, being close to passing out due to the pain but making it eventually. I don’t even come to think about the driving ban or anything but I just leave. It is like I am on auto mode because I have no idea where I am even driving. But at some point I know that I am in front of Jesy’s and Perrie’s place. I get myself out of the car and almost fall on the last steps towards the door. I hold myself at the doorknob with my last force and ring the bell. As I am standing there, I notice that I have no memory or whatsoever of how I even came here and drove the car but here I am holding myself with my last bits at the doorknob waiting for someone to safe me.

Narrator

Perrie is sitting on the couch and watching a Disney movie. She is very cozy under the blankets with a cup of tea in her hand when she hears the bell ringing. She groans ‘Jessica can’t you use your key one time’, she has really no motivation to get up. But when she hears no key turning, she decides to get up because maybe Jesy lost her key or is too drunk to use it. Still, she is very annoyed and only gets up eventually, having to drag herself to the door. She was so cozy and now she has to get up just because Jesy has no organization or whatsoever. She is already ready to give Jesy a lecture on how to use a key, when she opens the door and sees Jade. No, she doesn’t see Jade, she sees a girl with brown curly hair, a blood covered face and jacket that somewhat resembles Jade. She is in complete shock and frozen when she sees Jade sink. Before her mind can react, her arms already hold Jade hindering her from falling onto the ground.


	13. 13- I'll Be There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a somewhat shorter chapter but anyways... I feel like i left you on the cliffhanger last time, so here is a small update

There stands Perrie, holding Jade in her arms, being in complete shock. She holds onto Jade and once she gets the grip of her, she carries her bridal style into her flat. She lies Jade on the couch and grabs her phone to call 999. Talking to the person on the phone she tries to explain as best as possible what’s wrong while she tries to take care of Jade at the same time. After she hangs up, she bends down to Jade and whispers.  
“Help is on the way”  
Jade just nods tiredly. Perrie is internally so upset but she really tries to remain calm and to be there for Jade.   
“I’m there, baby” she whispers again while strokes over Jade’s head carefully.  
Jade mumbles something inaudible but Perrie just continues to hold her and says “Shh it’s okay, baby”  
After a few minutes that felt like hours, the ambulance is there. Two paramedics walk in, they look at Perrie concerned.  
“What happened?” asks one while already starting to take care of Jade.  
“I think it was her boyfriend” explains Perrie.  
The two paramedics nod and then put Jade on a stretcher and drive with her and Perrie to the hospital. Perrie holds Jade’s hand the entire ride and has a weird feeling to let go of her when they arrive at the hospital. She just watches them bring Jade away while she has to stay in the waiting area. Once the doors close and Perrie sits down, she starts to realize what has happened. She was so under adrenaline that she didn’t really have time to process everything before, but now it hits her. Her first thought is that she didn’t protect Jade enough, her second thought is that she wants to kill Jed and then she realizes that she should maybe inform the others.   
After 10 minutes, first Leigh-Anne and then Jesy arrive. They both look concerned and pale, but it is nothing compared to Perrie. Once they sit down with Perrie, she can’t contain herself any longer and just collapses into their arms crying.  
The three of them sit their holding each other for some time when Jesy speaks up.  
“What do we know?”  
“I… it was Jed… she just stood there at the front of the door… there was so much blood… I have no idea how she even made it this far… what if she wouldn’t have?...” just the thought of what might have happened if they wouldn’t have found her so early makes Perrie’s stomach turn around.  
“Hey babe… it’s fine.. we got her.. she is all safe now..” Leigh-Anne hugs her again.  
Jesy looks at Perrie “Did she say something about what happened?”  
Perrie looks up “No.. but I just know it was him… I’m gonna kill him” she almost shouts, people look at them from the side, so Jesy just gives them a glare.  
“Shh Perrie, he’ll get what he deserves” Leigh-Anne reassures her.  
“He deserves to die” Perrie looks at them seriously.  
After a while, a doctor comes approaching the girls.  
“Jade Thirlwall?”  
The three get up and look at him nervously.  
“Okay so your friend told me that I am allowed to share information, so… she has quite some injuries. Broken bones, she also has a severe concussion… That is not good but we were glad that we could rule out some severe brain injury or a bleeding. She also had a spleen rupture for which we had to perform an emergency surgery. Luckily, it went well and we could stop the internal bleeding. Your friend is in the recovery room now, so she should wake up soon. Even though she is on strong pain medication, she will probably still have some pain. It could also be possible that she has problems with memory or is confused or anxious. And of course, there might be some psychological trauma, so just that you know what to expect. It won’t be pretty… things like that scar people for life”  
The three nod, on the one side they were relieved that Jade made it so far. But of course, she is heavily injured and what the doctor just told them, doesn’t sound amazing either.  
Leigh-Anne looks at Perrie “You good?”  
Perrie nods and sighs “I just can’t believe that this happened”.  
Jesy takes Perrie’s hand and squeezes it “Us neither, babe”.  
A bit later, a nurse approaches them.  
“So you can go see your friend now. Room 324”  
“Thanks” mumbles Jesy and the three go to the room.  
As they walk in and see Jade lying in bed, the almost can’t see their small friend underneath all the bandages and tubes.  
“Gosh” says Jesy as she holds a hand in front of her mouth.  
Yes, she hasn’t expected Jade to look amazing but this is really not what she expected at all. She almost can’t even recognize Jade. When they walk closer to the bed everything looks even worse. They can only see parts of her face as she has a lot of bandages on her head and face but what they see is just bloody, red and blue, and swollen. Literally, if she didn’t know that this is Jade, then she would not be able to tell that this is her friend. It looks really bad and dramatic, which shocks Perrie even more than she remembers. Jade pretty much looks just like a broken body.  
They stand there for a moment when they notice Jade’s eyelids twitching. They all walk a step closer and when Jade opens her eye they can see right away the panic in her eyes. Perrie quickly grabs Jade’s hand and whispers.  
“Hey Jadey, it’s us. Perrie, Leigh and Jesy. You’re safe”  
Perrie can see Jade’s chest moving up and down quickly, she must be really in panic because she can also feel Jade squeezing her hand. When Jade doesn’t calm down, Jesy leaves to get a nurse and Perrie kneels down next to Jade and whispers to her.  
“Hey baby, it’s fine.. no one can hurt you anymore.. I am here”  
She can see Jade side eyeing her a bit, she also sees her shaking, so she takes Jade’s hand in both of her hands now and squeezes it.  
“Baby… it’s fine.. breathe in and out.. slowly… in and out” Perrie demonstrates it as well. After a moment she can actually see Jade doing it as well.   
“It hurts” whines Jade barely audible.  
“I know” Perrie rubs her hand “But you need to breathe” then she continues to breathe with Jade.  
Jesy and a nurse come back running into the room, the nurse smiles “Oh I see your friend got a handle of it”  
“I’ll let the doctor know though so that we can give her something to calm down a bit later” Jesy nods a bit relieved.  
Then Jesy goes to stand next to Leigh-Anne and they both watch Perrie being completely focused on Jade and on helping her calm down.  
Leigh-Anne leans towards Jesy “Doesn’t Perrie do that great?”  
Jesy nods and smiles a bit.  
When Jade manages to calm down a bit, she looks tired at Perrie and wants to say something but Perrie just shushes her.  
“It’s fine Jadey.. don’t speak. You need to rest”   
Jade closes her eyes still not letting go of Perrie’s hand. Perrie can see a tear streaming down Jade’s face.  
“Are you in pain?”  
Jade nods and suddenly tenses again when she can see a man entering the room. Perrie notices it right away because Jade squeezes her hand strongly. She looks to the side and sees that it is the doctor.  
“Ms. Thirlwall?” he asks carefully.  
Perrie is holding Jade’s hand and can feel at her wrist how her pulse is racing. She strokes her hand “It’s fine Jade, he’s just the doctor”.  
“So Ms. Thirlwall I’m your doctor in charge. I wanted to inform you on the surgery”  
Jade nods slowly, still nervous but Perrie being by her side gives her some relaxation.  
“The spleen surgery went well, but we had to remove it completely, the bleeding was just so strong. You are really lucky that you came here so fast, because it was not looking good already back then. Further, you have a concussion so you need to rest and can’t get up or do exhausting activities in the next time. Your broken ankle will take a few weeks to heal as well, just as the nose and cheek bone. You really need to be careful and relax in the next weeks. There is a lot of damage in your body and your body needs some time to heal now. On the x-ray we could also see an old broken rip which has been damaged now again, next to two other rips, so that will take even longer to heal now. If you don’t take a break now then it can lead to serious consequences, so I plead you to take some time off now for at least two months depending how things heal. But I want to warn you, it won’t be an easy road but I guess you can count on your friends to be there for you” then he looks at the girls for conformation.  
“Yes” “Of course” “We’re there for you” say the girls decisively.  
Jade closes her eyes again, this is really exhausting for her, she still feels tired and dizzy.   
“You should take some rest now.” Suggests the doctor.  
Jade nods slowly.  
Then he looks at the girls “Maybe you can come back in the morning, when she has slept a bed… she really needs to rest now”  
The girls nod and look at Jade “We’ll be back in the morning”  
When they want to leave, Perrie can’t even go because Jade doesn’t let go of Perrie’s hand.  
“Baby do you want me to stay?”   
Jade nods slowly with her eyes already closed.  
Perrie looks at the other two “So I guess I’m gonna spend the night here”  
“Okay we can take charge then tomorrow” says Leigh-Anne and then she and Jesy leave after wishing the two a good night.  
Perrie still sits on the chair next to the bed and watches Jade. After she sees Jade drifting off to sleep, she still doesn’t let go of her, she carefully lies her head down on the bed making sure to not touch Jade to avoid hurting her. When she lies there, she just watches Jade a bit until she eventually falls asleep as well.


	14. 14- Hurts

Jade POV

The next morning, I wake up and when I open my eyes a bit, I mean I cannot open them much because my face is all swollen, but it is enough to see is Perrie’s head lying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. For one moment I forget all my hurt and worries and just smile a bit seeing Perrie there with me. But that doesn’t last long, when I move my her face into a smile, my face starts to hurt right away. It is not just a general headache and dizziness facing me, but my entire face, my cheeks, my nose, my forehead, the back of my head, the mouth… just everything hurts. My entire head.. it’s horrible. I thought they had given me pain medication what kind of joke is this? When I want to move a bit, adjusting from the pain, I start to feel the rest of my body. When I notice my breathing getting stronger, I also feel a tightness in the chest, it feels like a truck parks on my body but there is nothing. Still, there is so much pain and pressure on me that I can’t breathe properly, it feel so scary. I am here and awake breathing but it feels like I just can’t get enough air into my lungs. My broken ankle hurts but it is honestly my smallest worry. To be honest I sometimes even forget it, I just move my foot and when it touches the end of the bed then I start to feel the pain, but besides that everything else is just far worse. The worst thing is that I cannot sit up, I want to but every time I tense my muscles to move my upper body up, just nothing happens. It is so weird. I just have to lie here all the day on my bruises which isn’t really comfortable at all, but at least Perrie is here. When I look at her beautiful face, I can forget everything for a second and her company really distracts me from everything else.

Narrator

Experiencing the pain, Jade starts fidgeting a bit which causes Perrie to look up to her.  
“Are you ok, Jadey?”  
Jade closes her eyes and sighs “It hurts”  
“Should I go get the nurse to give you some more pain meds?” asks Perrie sitting up straight.  
“Ehm I don’t know…” whispers Jade clueless.  
“I will just do it, it will relieve the pain” then Perrie gets up and gets someone to give Jade a new infusion.  
Not much later the doctors and nurses come in and start asking Jade a lot of questions. Perrie sees Jade becoming overwhelmed and stressed and it hurts to not being able to just shout at all of those people to get out and leave her Jade alone. So she just sits there watching them bombarding her with questions. After they finally leave, Perrie goes to Jade again and strokes her arm.  
“They’re gone now”  
Jade nods slowly trying to contain herself. When the nurses bring in breakfast, Jade doesn’t even look at the food.  
“Aren’t you hungry?” asks Perrie.  
“No..”  
Perrie raises an eyebrow “You have to eat something, babe. It’ll help you recover…”  
Jade shakes her head a bit, as much as it allows without hurting “I can’t… it hurts”  
Perrie sighs, she feels so bad for Jade. If she could take some of her pain, she would totally. It is just so frustrating not being able to offer something other than encouraging words.   
“Do you think you can at least eat some yoghurt? You don’t have to chew that, so it should work” tries Perrie to encourage her.  
“I don’t know, I just don’t feel like eating”   
Perrie slowly opens the yoghurt and takes some of it on the spoon and holds it in front of Jade’s mouth “Come on, open up” she smiles.  
Jade can’t suppress a smile “You wanna feed me now?”  
“Exactly. If you don’t eat yourself, then I’m gonna feed you”  
Jade slowly opens up her mouth a bit. When Perrie finished feeding her the yoghurt, she looks at her and smiles sheepishly.  
“Not too bad right?”  
Jade looks at Perrie who is staring at the food “You can just eat the bread”  
Perrie laughs “You just know me too well”   
Jade nods.   
Later that morning also Leigh-Anne and Jesy come in, they tell Perrie to go home but she just rejects and insists on staying. The girls just sit there talking a bit with Jade and offering her a bit of support, but she is still very weak and hurting. She also can’t breathe too well, so talking is hard but they try the best they can.   
In the afternoon, they hear a knock at the door. When two people in casual clothes walk in, Jade starts to tense right away.  
“Hello, may we talk to Ms. Thirlwall alone?” asks the man seriously.  
The girls look at each other and at Jade, who looks really frightened. Jesy and Leigh-Anne get up and walk to the door but Perrie faces them.  
“Ehm sorry but who are you?” she looks at them strictly.  
The young woman looks at Perrie “Hi I’m Detective Hayley Benson and this is my colleague Paul Miller, we are from the London Police. We were informed that we might face a case of domestic violence so we have to come and investigate”  
“Oh ehm okay” Perrie nods slowly and leaves the room with the other girls.  
Jade looks after them and starts to move around nervously.  
The woman looks at Jade compassionately “Hey… it’s fine you don’t have to worry, we are just here to talk a bit”  
The man steps a bit back when he sees Jade eyeing him nervously and lets his colleague lead the conversation.  
Hayley takes the seat Perrie used to sit on next to Jade’s bed.  
“So do you want to tell us how this happened?”   
Jade considers for a moment to invent something but then she curses at herself internally, why would she even consider covering for Jed after he just almost killed her. Something must be wrong with her for even considering that and for still feeling guilty to tell them.   
“Ehm… my boyfriend and I had an argument…”  
Hayley nods “Okay so how did this start?”  
Jade looks down unsure of how much to share “Well he drank something and I was pissed off because of that and then he just got really angry… and things just got out of control”   
Hayley notices how uncertain and nervous Jade is about this “Was this the first time things like that happened?.. Like him hitting you”  
Jade shakes her head a bit ashamed.  
Hayley looks at her “Hey, you don’t have any reason to feel guilty or ashamed or anxious. We will get him and then he has to pay for what he has done. You don’t have any blame”  
Jade looks at her and tears up nodding a bit.  
“Okay… so this happened before. Have you ever told someone?”  
Jade shakes her again, this time she feels really stupid. If she would’ve just told someone, then everything would be so much easier. Now they don’t have any proof and for sure the defense in court will ask stuff like “So you are so close friends with your fellow bandmates, how come you don’t tell them about something so fundamental?”. She is so dumb, she just always does the wrong thing, she curses at herself.  
Hayley nods slowly “Okay that is no problem. So all these injuries were caused exclusively by him?”  
Jade looks at her “Are we finished soon?”  
“Yes, there are just a few questions left. Can you tell us his name and where we can find him?”  
Jade tells them his details, then they ask a few other questions and leave finally. When the girls walk back inside, Perrie notices right away how upsetting that was for Jade. Of course, she is also interested in what happened but she does not dare to ask her yet. She figures that it is just too upsetting for her and additional stress is really the last thing she can use right now.  
Most of the rest of the day just consists of Jade sleeping, she is really tired from all the medication and just not in the mood to chat, also it is the only way of getting rid of the pain- mentally and physically. In the evening, the girls want to convince Perrie to go home but it is just impossible to get her to leave Jade’s side, so they head home only as the two.  
On the following morning, Jade wakes up late. She feels a bit dizzy and sick today.  
Jade grabs Perrie’s arm “Perrie.. I don’t feel well”   
Perrie nods and gets up to search a nurse. When she returns with someone, Jade receives some medication against her sickness.  
“We will also give you some towels and water, so you can wash yourself later” he looks at Jade who is really sweaty.  
Jade just nods a bit and grabs Perrie’s hand “It’s so hard” she whines.  
Perrie gives Jade a kiss on her hand and whispers “I know… but I am there for you, we will get through this together”  
Jade swallows and leans her head back exhausted. Perrie watches her and sees Jade tear up. She is feeling really bad today.  
When the nurse returns with a washcloth, some water and soap, Jade just whines.  
“I can’t do this Perrie” she whimpers.  
The nurse looks at her “Ms. Thirlwall do you think you can sit up a bit”  
Jade starts tearing up and looks at Perrie when she tries to get up but falls back desperately.  
The nurse looks at Jade empathic “This will come back… it takes some time for the muscles to recover”  
Jade whines frustrated “Everything hurts”  
Perrie gets up and walks towards the bowl with water “You know what, I’ll just help you a bit.. and then you’ll immediately feel better after you are in some new fresh clothes. Jesy and Leigh-Anne brought you my favorite Disney T-Shirt. You’ll look much better after you are out of this.. hospital shirt”  
Jade just looks up to the ceiling, so Perrie looks at the nurse.  
“You know what, I got his”  
He raises an eyebrow “You sure? I can help”  
“Nah it’s fine. I think you got enough to do anyways”  
He nods and then leaves the room.  
Perrie smiles a bit “So you have to tell me when I hurt you, okay? But I’ll try to be very careful”  
Perrie grabs the washcloth and puts it in the water. Then she carefully starts to wash Jade’s arms, she pulls up Jade’s shirt a bit and washes her legs as well. Jade watches Perrie washing her and puts her hands in front of her eyes.  
“What’s wrong Jadey? Did I hurt you?” Perrie stops washing her and looks at Jade worried.  
Jade shakes her head a bit “It’s just so… frustrating and… embarrassing… having you care for me like I am some bedridden 80 year old”  
Perrie takes a step forward to look Jade in the eyes “It’s not embarrassing at all. Look at you, you are a survivor. You’ve been through so much and look at you. And we all need some help at times, and this is just one of those times… it’ll get better… just takes time”  
Jade closes her eyes and leans back while Perrie continues, she still can’t watch this.   
After a bit, she looks at Jade hesitating “Can I take this off? Or do you want me to get a nurse to help you?”  
Jade looks at her shirt “Ehm… it’s okay… if it’s okay for you?”  
Perrie nods “Of course it is” then she slowly takes the shirt off of Jade.  
She really has to contain herself when she sees Jade’s small body being full of bruises. It feels like there’s more purple than light-brown skin. It is really hard seeing her hurting like this, she also asks herself how a human being could ever do this to another. She thinks ‘Just look at Jade, she is so small and fragile. How can her little body even take so much violence? And how could he do this to Jade? Jade is so beautiful and perfect, there is literally nothing wrong with her, so why her? Jed must be seriously ill’. Then Perrie quickly concentrates on what she is doing again and quickly washes her body a bit, being careful not to hurt her. When she is finished, she doesn’t want to make the situation even more uncomfortable for Jade, so she quickly puts on the shirt and then the joggers, which is not even so easy with the cast on her ankle.  
“Thanks Perrie… I’m sorry I’m all whiny today… I just don’t know what’s wrong with me” Jade mumbles.  
Perrie frowns “Listen to me beautiful, there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are doing great. Tell yourself that!”  
Jade bites her lip trying to suppress her tears.

*3 days later*  
Now Jade is even allowed to get up a bit. She can’t really do much anyways, because her ankle is broken and all her stomach musculature is gone and she still feels a bit dizzy when she gets up but it is already better than just a few days before.  
This was also the first night Perrie spent at home, but she did not do that voluntarily though, Leigh-Anne and Jesy literally had to drag her out of the hospital. Perrie also woke up multiple times the night being upset when she couldn’t find Jade next to herself.  
When Perrie walks back towards Jade’s room, a nurse approaches Perrie “Jade slept really bad this night… I think she’ll be glad to see you again. She is really lucky to have a friend like you, being there for her so much” Perrie smiles a bit but is worried at the same time so she doesn’t waste a lot of time and gets back into Jade’s room swiftly.  
“Good morning, babe” she smiles, a bit relieved to see Jade.  
Jade immediately puts down her yoghurt and looks at Perrie, she can’t help herself but starts tearing up. She is just so relieved to see Perrie again. Even though she has only be gone for 12 hours, she still missed her so much and noticed how much she truly needs Perrie as well.  
“Perrie…” her eyes sparkle a bit seeing her dear friend.  
“Jadey” Perrie looks worried and runs to hug Jade lightly.  
When she hears Jade sobbing she looks at her “Oh no, baby…” and also has to start tearing up.  
Meanwhile, Jesy watches the scene and looks at Leigh-Anne almost shocked “Oh dear. Please tell me this ain’t happening?!”  
Leigh-Anne looks just as surprised “Wow… just wow…”  
Later Leigh-Anne and Jesy have to leave because the two of them have to do an interview, keeping up Little Mix as long as Jade is gone. Luckily, Perrie has been excused as well and can care for Jade.  
Jade makes a bit space in her bed as she slowly moves a bit to the left, then she pats the free space to her right.  
Perrie looks at her “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you”  
Jade nods “I want to have you near me”  
When Perrie slips into the bed next to Jade, she is really careful to not hurt her. As soon as they turn on the tv, Jade lies her head a bit to the side onto Perrie. Perrie smiles a bit and takes Jade’s hand. The rest of the day they just lie there. Only when Perrie is near her, Jade feels truly safe.   
Later, the two talk a bit while cuddling. Jade is still very much in pain, but she feels already a lot better as she recovers from the surgery and the concussion. Also as long as Perrie is by her side, she has no reason to think about Jed or be bothered by the hateful memories. But last night, she had a lot nightmares and was really upset the whole time. She always dreamt of Jed and how he finds her in the hospital and attacks her.  
“Do you think they’ll get Jed?” Jade asks a bit worried.  
“Yes, of course they will. Why are you asking?” Perrie raises an eyebrow.  
“I don’t know… I’m just a bit worried. I mean how can I even prove it…”  
Perrie sits up and looks directly at Jade “First of all, look at you.. if that isn’t proof enough, then I don’t know. Also he is a fucked up alcoholic and you are a successful beautiful woman, so who you think they’ll believe. But please, don’t worry about this now. There’s so much more to worry about than this pig”  
Jade nods slowly “Like can you help me get to the toilet?”  
Perrie laughs “Yes, exactly. Stuff like that. And of course, I can”  
Perrie gets out of bed and grabs a wheelchair. She helps Jade sit up, as she still can’t really do much with her stomach. She puts an arm around Jade and puts her into the wheelchair. She pushes her into the bathroom “Do you need any more help?”  
Jade shakes her head “No, I think I can do the rest by myself”  
“Okay but please be careful. Tell me when you need any more help”  
Jade nods and then Perrie leaves her alone. As she waits, a nurse walks towards her.  
“You two are so cute”  
Perrie grins “Haha thanks”  
“Do you know by any chance when Jade will be send home?” asks Perrie curiously.  
“Ehm I think she’ll need to stay a few more days but it shouldn’t take too long”  
Perrie nods slowly. Then she hears Jade already opening the door so she quickly goes to help Jade back into bed. As they are lying in bed, Perrie looks at her.  
“What?” asks Jade knowing exactly that Perrie is thinking about something.  
“Ehm… I was just wondering.. you know when you go back home? Where do you wanna go? Do you maybe want to stay with Jesy and me. I mean you’ll probably still gonna need some help and I was thinking that maybe.. you know.. you wouldn’t wanna be all alone… and where… that happened”  
Jade looks down “Actually I’m glad you ask… because yes, I would really like to stay with you”  
Perrie smiles “Great” and hugs Jade carefully.   
As she holds Jade in her arm, she notices how she has a funny feeling in her stomach. She is not entirely sure what it is, she has never felt that way before. But it sure feels good and she really enjoys this moment. When Jade lets go of her and she looks into Jade’s eyes, suddenly all she sees is beauty and love. She could look into those eyes all day and it would never get boring. When she catches herself staring, she quickly looks away and shakes herself. She was really hot all of the sudden and it just doesn’t feel the way it is supposed to be feeling like with a friend. She doesn’t know how to act, she really doesn’t want to scare Jade away or creep her out with her weird feelings right now. She also can’t let herself fall into love with her friend anymore- well if she isn’t in love already. Therefore, she quickly decides that she needs to get out of this situation to get a clear head again.  
“Oh ehm.. I need to go to the… ehm… the bathroom quickly” she walks away looking down while blushing.  
Jade just watches her leave, she is a bit confused by Perrie’s weird and sudden actions, but was that a blush? She has to smile at herself a bit, Perrie is just too cute. In the bathroom Perrie washes her face with cold water and looks at herself. ‘Stop it” she tells herself. After she cools down a bit, she heads back into the room but sits on the chair next to Jade’s bed.  
Jade raises an eyebrow “Why don’t you come into the bed again?”  
Perrie stumbles “Ehm I’m just really warm”  
Jade nods slowly. She is a bit disappointed when Perrie is all distanced for the next hours.  
“Ehm Jade… I think Imma head home tonight? Is that okay?”  
Jade raises an eyebrow “Why?.. I mean sure”  
“I just really need to shower, I’m all smelly and I don’t want to disgust you” laughs Perrie and gets up. She isn’t sure what to do, so she just awkwardly hugs Jade and wishes her a good night.  
When Perrie is gone, Jade is left all confused. Why was Perrie acting so weird and distanced. Did something happen that she missed. She is still up, thinking about it when a nurse comes in, who looks around all confused.  
“Where’s your girlfriend?”   
“Ehm she left to go home and shower” she answers quickly but then she reconsiders the nurse’s words and looks at her “girlfriend? She isn’t my…”  
The nurse looks at Jade surprised “You two aren’t a couple?”  
“No” Jade shakes her head very confused.  
“Oh okay… sorry then I must have mistook it”   
“Eh what made you think that we… we are… ehm… dating?” asks Jade shyly.  
“Well you are all touchy, feely and so close… so I just assumed that… but I must have misinterpreted that then, sorry”  
Jade nods “Yea… we’re just friends… I’m straight, and so is she”  
“You don’t need to justify yourself. It’s fine. But I do think, you two are totally cute together” she smirks.  
Jade raises an eyebrow “Ehm… thanks I guess”


	15. 15- My Love Won't Let You Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I had some exams in the meantime, so I was pretty busy- less time for writing. Anyways, I finally finished this chapter now, so here you go. I hope you enjoy it and please leave me some kudos if you liked it!

Today Jade comes out of the hospital, the girls pick her up early in the morning, so that Jade doesn’t have to stay any longer than necessary. The last couple of days, Perrie has been at Jade’s side all the time. She figured that she just needs to control herself a bit more around Jade, but just because of her stupid feelings getting in the way, she can’t let her friend down. Jade was also really lucky to have Perrie by her side, she was just being such a huge source of support, not that the other girls didn’t help her, but Perrie… she was just there all the time: holding her when in pain, being next to her when she woke up at night and wiping her tears away, and smiling at her when she woke up in the morning.   
Perrie pushes Jade in her wheelchair to Leigh-Anne’s car. She helps Jade get in the car and goes quickly to the other side sitting next to her. Perrie notices Jade looking around nervously as they drive away from the hospital, she quickly takes Jade’s hand and strokes it a bit with her other hand. Jade notices Perrie’s sweet touches right away and looks at her. Perrie notices the worried look on Jade’s face, she has a feeling that this is about Jed. Back in her hospital room Jade was safe, and now she is back in the wilderness. She also wonders whether the police did something already, like they talked to Jade a week ago and the situation was obvious, what could take so long.. they literally just have one job: Driving to Jed’s place, taking him and locking him away. They haven’t informed them yet on any developments, she decides that she will tell Jade to call them later, she can’t stand this wait any longer and also seeing her Jadey being anxious which doesn’t make her happy either. Next to that, Perrie herself is anxious, but mostly about something happening to Jade, she just wants to protect her at all costs, she could never forgive herself if something happened to Jade, again.  
“We’re here” says Leigh-Anne and turns the engine off.  
Leigh goes and grabs Jade’s bag out of the trunk while Jesy unlocks the door.  
“You ready?” asks Perrie before she helps Jade out of the car.  
Back in Perrie’s room, Perrie quickly pulls back the covers, so Jade can get in the bed. Perrie smiles “Does this work?”  
Jade nods “Surely more comfortable than the hospital bed”  
“Great”   
“Do you guys need any more help? Otherwise, Leigh and me would leave now… we have to do an interview with Capital” asks Jesy watching the two girls.  
Perrie shakes her bed “No, I guess we are fine. Good luck you guys”  
After Leigh-Anne and Jesy leave, Perrie gets into bed next to Jade.  
“So what do you wanna do?”  
Jade sighs “I don’t know. I mean I cannot do much anyways”  
Perrie puts her hand on Jade’s shoulder “Chin up, Jadey… I mean there are many things we could do. We could play a game, or watch a movie, start a new series or you could go take a bath?”  
Jade thinks a moment “How about I take a bath first and then we watch a movie”  
Perrie smiles “Yeah, sounds like a plan. So I have brought these waterproof plasters, then it should work with the scar”  
Perrie stands up, starts the water and grabs the plasters. Jade slowly pulls up her shirt and Perrie puts on a new plaster, it is hard for her to concentrate on her simple task because there are just too many stimuli in form of bruises screaming for her attention. It is horrible to see Jade like this, she can’t even look into her eyes. After she applied the plaster, Perrie looks down and asks slowly.  
“Do you think it will work with all the.. you know wounds?”  
Jade shrugs “I mean we will see…”  
“At least I can see your beautiful eyes now again because most of the swelling is gone” Perrie tucks Jade’s hair behind her ear.  
Jade notices her face heat up a bit “Stop it, Perrie” she says awkwardly.  
“Can’t I compliment you anymore?” Perrie frowns.  
“Of course you can… but I just look like shit… you don’t have to say this just to make me feel better… I don’t need no pity” Jade looks down.  
Perrie watches Jade a moment and then she sits down on the bed next to Jade “You are beautiful… no matter what…you are truly” Perrie pauses a moment “the most beautiful girl I have ever seen”  
Jade’s head shoots up just as quickly as Perrie stands up “Ehm… I will go look for the water”   
When Perrie leaves the bedroom, she rubs through her face ‘Oh my gosh, I did not just really say that… I really have to stop that or I will creep Jade out’ she thinks mentally cursing at herself.  
After a bit, Perrie returns and pretends like nothing happened.  
“So the bath is finished” she helps Jade up and gives her the crutches.   
After a few steps, Jade notices how exhausting it is to walk with these things. So far she has always been pushed around in the wheelchair. She notices her breath quickening, it was still hard to breathe for her and as the things also press into her side, it hurts quite a bit as well. She walks two more steps, then she pauses to breathe.  
Perrie turns around “What’s wrong?”  
“It… it’s just a lot.. more… exhausting… than I thought..” Jade tries to say while concentrating to breathe.  
Perrie quickly walks to the living room where they left the wheelchair.  
“Here… this will be better”  
Jade hesitates a moment but ultimately lets herself sink into the wheelchair even though it feels like taking a step backwards. Jade is a bit gutted and also Perrie notices that by her body language.  
“Baby…” she whispers as they arrive in the bathroom.  
Jade says nothing and just looks away trying to avoid Perrie’s gaze which was not that easy because Perrie was kneeling right in front of her.  
Jade shakes her head “I’m just not good for anything”  
Perrie raises an eyebrow “That’s not true… why would you say that?”  
Jade doesn’t even know herself why she said that, probably it is still Jed’s voice creeping in the back of her mind.   
“I mean look at me… I need to be cared for like… even me grandma is more mobile than I am”  
“But it will all come back” argues Perrie.  
“But the scars will stay…”  
“Scars are beautiful”  
“No they aren’t” Jade shakes her head.  
Perrie is a bit surprised where all of this sudden negativity comes from. She was doing so good the last days.   
Perrie looks into Jade’s eyes, when Jade still avoids her gaze, Perrie take both of Jade’s hands.  
“Hey look at me, baby”  
Slowly Jade looks at Perrie and Perrie can see the hurt in her eyes which makes it also really hard for her not to get emotional.  
“Jade… you are such a beautiful human being, internally and externally. Trust me when I tell you, that there is literally nothing that could change that”  
Jade is still not very convinced but nods a bit.  
“Thanks Pez but it doesn’t help me that you say that… I don’t think any lad will ever take someone as broken at me. No guy wants a lunatic”  
Perrie doesn’t know why, but it really hurts hearing Jade say that. It feels like a rejection, even though Jade knows nothing about her feeling towards her, but it still hurts. She feels like someone stabbed something in her heart, but she can’t help it and obviously Jade doesn’t do it on purpose.  
  
“Jade… just trust me when I tell you that any lad would be more than happy to get a girl as beautiful, talented, intelligent, sincere and unique as you are.. I could go on about this for hours, but just let me tell you that no one would want to miss out on someone like you.”  
Jade stares at her, not sure what to say or if Perrie actually meant it like this. Perrie’s eyes and words sounded so heartfelt but Jade’s head just tells her so differing information.  
“And now let us get you into that tub and then you’ll much feel better right away” says Perrie, feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious like she gave too much away.  
Perrie puts a plastic bag on Jade’s foot and after Jade undressed herself, she helps Jade to get into the tub.  
“Is that okay?”  
“Feels a bit weird… but I think so”  
Perrie nods and points to Jade’s foot “Try to keep your foot on the side of the tub, I mean I put a bag on it, but who knows whether that is really waterproof”  
She watches Jade moment and starts to worry immediately “Also don’t go with your head under water, you can’t breathe well and the wound on her head… and-“  
“Perrie it’s fine… I got it” Jade smiles a bit noticing how protective Perrie has become.  
Seeing Perrie be like this is one of those moments bringing Jade light at the moment. Jed told her so many times how worthless she is and Perrie just cares so much and gives her best to make Jade feel like the best version of herself.  
“Ehm.. yea sure… you know.. just watch out and let me know if you need something. I can also wash your hair later”   
“Thanks Pez, I’ll let you know.”  
Perrie stands there another moment awkwardly and then leaves the room. Outside the room she stops a moment to think if she was getting too close and protective. She concludes that she is just worried and that this is totally normal, so no reason to ruminate even though her mind is still occupied reevaluating every conversation and action she did towards Jade.  
A bit later, Perrie walks back into the room, she sees Jade lying there with her eyes closed, she looks really peaceful now.  
She takes a step closer and sees how her fingers are already wrinkled up.  
“Oh you need to get out soon” she says alarmingly.  
Jade eyes shoot open, she didn’t even notice Perrie coming in.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you… but let me wash your hair now, so that you can get out”  
Jade doesn’t even get to answer, Perrie already starts to wash her hair carefully. Perrie notices how a smile creeps on her face as she notices Jade close her eyes and lean back towards Perrie as she washes her long beautiful hair.   
After that, Perrie goes to get some fresh clothes and a towel, so Jade can get out. She watches every step closely, afraid that Jade might slip and hurt herself. When Jade is back in bed, she is relieved that everything went well.  
“What do you want me to cook you later?”   
Jade pulls up the blanket “Ehm… just whatever you guys have…”  
“No, you tell me. I will make anything you wish”  
Jade was gonna fight Perrie and insist that she should decide, but she figures that Perrie would not let loose until she wishes for something. Perrie is just way too good to her, she thinks that she doesn’t even deserve someone like Perrie. Perrie practically has to stop all of her life right now in order to care for her, that doesn’t feel fair to her. She doesn’t want to be a ballast.  
Later that night the two of them have some dinner because Leigh-Anne and Jesy are still going out with some friends. Normally Perrie doesn’t miss any party, but she did not want to go, she wanted to be there for Jade. She really couldn’t even go out without being worried sick, so where was the point anyways.  
When they are in bed, ready to sleep, Perrie speaks up quietly.  
“Please don’t become upset Jade… but I wanted to ask if I should go to your place tomorrow to grab some stuff of yours. I mean you don’t even have your phone or anything with you”  
Jade really doesn’t want Perrie to go there, just thinking about that place makes her sick and unnerved. But she has to admit that it would be good. Then she could finally text her mom again, so far she always had to call via Perrie’s phone. It is hard enough to convince her mom not to come here, but she just couldn’t bear her mom seeing her like this. Yes, she told her mom that she is bad and has some broken bones but she doesn’t think that anyone can truly grasp the extent of her injuries until they finally see her. She just doesn’t look anything like how her mom used to know her, her mom would just get upset and she can’t handle that right now. But if she can text her mom a bit more then she can maybe keep her in line.  
“Ehm… yeah… I don’t know… It would be good, but I honestly don’t like the idea of you going there”  
Perrie nods “I understand that. But you can trust me, I will make it… and I mean we don’t have another option in long-term”  
“But what about Jed?” asks Jade nervously.  
Perrie grabs her hand right away “He won’t be there. If her isn’t behind bars already then he certainly won’t be at home… I mean the cops are searching for him”  
Jade nods multiple times “Yeah probably… makes sense”  
Perrie can still feel that Jade is tensed, so she presses a kiss on Jade’s hand while squeezing it “Hey, don’t worry beauty. Nothing will happen, okay? We’re safe”  
Jade continues nodding “Yeah…”  
Perrie tries to smile but can’t because she still knows that Jade is worried, but she guesses that there is no chance to change that right now.  
Then Perrie pets Jade’s arm “Sleep now… you need rest. And please stop worrying, everything will turn out fine”  
“… night” mumbles Jade and the two of them close their eyes.  
A few hours later, Perrie wakes up as Jade shoots up in bed. Perrie turns the light on the nightstand on and looks at Jade.  
“Babe? What’s wrong?”  
Jade’s heart is racing in she can’t even think of an answer properly, because she is just in panic, she can barely breathe, neither speak, so she signals Perrie to be silent and points towards the living room. There are noises to be heard. Perrie tries to comfort Jade.  
“Shhh no reason to worry. It’s just Jesy… I’m gonna take a look and you can just continue to sleep okay?”  
Jade is still in panic and just watches Perrie get up.  
When Perrie enters the living room, she finds Jesy struggling to put off her shoes, she seems to have a bit of a shaky stand.  
Perrie groans “JESSICA! Are you serious?” she whispers aggressively.  
Jesy just laughs and walks to approach Perrie “Oh my gosh Pez, you should’ve come, it was sooo fun” she practically shouts.  
Perrie quickly grabs her “Can you please stop screaming. It’s nighttime and you scared the shit out of Jade??? She thought it was Jed”  
Jesy quickly puts a hand on her head “Heck… completely forgot about Jade… sorry”  
Perrie just shakes her head pissed “Seriously?!”  
Jesy looks down and tries to put off her second shoe as good as possible, when Perrie sees her shaking again, she quickly grabs Jesy’s arm to stabilize her. After she walked Jesy to her room and shut the door, she hurries back to Jade.  
She sees Jade sitting at the very corner of the bed hugging her pillow.  
“Hey… shh. It’s all good. Like I said, it was just Jesy being drunk”  
Jade looks at Perrie and tries to calm down, though her body is still frozen.  
“Don’t worry. You are safe… I’m here” Perrie talks to Jade trying to calm her down.  
After a moment Jade sinks back into a lying position, she is still somewhat nervous and can barely move or speak.  
Perrie leans over her and gives her a kiss on the forehead.   
“I’m here to protect you” she smiles a bit at Jade and then lies back on her side as well.   
“Good night Jadey, try to sleep again okay? And if you are scared again, wake me please”  
Jade nods “Good night, Pez… and sorry”  
“No reason to be sorry…” mumbles Perrie getting cozy.  
Perrie is already half asleep again but Jade is just so nervous, so she watches Perrie. It calms her a bit to see Perrie lying there so peacefully, she doesn’t even know why she is scared. Jed doesn’t know where she is and also Perrie and Jesy are here, and they would protect her. She takes one last deep breath before trying to shut down her busy mind. She looks down at Perrie and her gaze stops at Perrie’s hand. She slowly takes Perrie’s hand into both of her own hands, it signals her a bit of safety. Even though Perrie is almost completely asleep again, she still feels Jade’s hand slipping into her own, it makes her smile a bit and lets her sleep calmly.  
The next morning, Perrie wakes up before Jade. She is surprised to find Jade not holding her hand but hugging her whole arm. She has to smirk as she sees Jade cuddling with her arm. She just enjoys the moment, and watches Jade sleep. She looks a lot healthier while asleep than when she was awake last night. As she looks at Jade, she notices how her heart flutters, this feels so good to her. It makes her feel warm inside and just gives her a sense of purpose and fulfillment. As she watches Jade sleeping, she doesn’t even see the bruises on her face, she just sees pure beauty, magic. Once she notices herself getting too caught up with this and her feelings, she breathes in one last time to take all of this in. She thinks ‘who knows if this will ever happen again, because if Jade knew about my feelings she would be all grossed out and never come close to me ever again’. Now that she gets these thoughts, she feels a bit guilty, like she is taking advantage of Jade or something, even though it was not even herself holding Jade. She tries to free herself from Jade’s grip without waking her up, but it doesn’t work. As soon as she moves her arm a bit more, Jade’s eyes flash open.  
“Oh sorry… I’m holding you” she says as soon as she notices the position they are in.  
“No problem… it was actually really cozy” smiles Perrie.  
As soon as those words left her mouth, Perrie internally cursed at herself again, she really has to zip it or otherwise she would seriously creep Jade out.  
After breakfast Perrie decides to go pick up some stuff from Jade’s. She unlocks the door decisively, not thinking too much about anything, all that is in her mind is the picture of Jade sleeping next to her and holding her arm. When she closes the door as she is inside and turns around to go upstairs, she flinches like seeing a jump scare in some horror movie. All of the sudden she is completely frozen. She can’t believe this, but Jed is sitting there on the couch staring at her. She can’t even say something, she is just scared and shocked, she really did not expect him to be there at all. She just stands there not being able to move and say something. All she does is expecting Jed to jump up, run at her and attack her, but he doesn’t, he just sits there on the couch and stares at her. After a while Perrie slowly comes back to senses and feels like being able to speak or move, she is shaking as she dares to speak up.  
“What are you doing here?”


	16. 16- Talk to me

In the meantime, Jade is sitting with Jesy in the living room.  
“So do you need me? Cause Dean is coming over..”   
Jade smirks “No I’m all good, you can go and get your mac on”  
Jesy blushes “Jade!”  
After Dean and Jesy left to go into Jesy’s room, Jade notices her smile slowly fading away. She starts to think about Perrie and about Perrie being at her place. Will there still be any signs of what happened? Or did someone clean up? Just thinking about it makes her really tensed. She cannot help herself, but gets the image of Jed back into her head, him hovering over her. Him calling her all those mean things “you ugly slut” “Fat whore” or what else he said. She really wants to get him out of her head and think about something different, but the more she tries to think of something else, the more she thinks about Jed, such an irony. She pulls her shirt up and looks at her stomach. Is she fat? She touches her stomach an pulls at her skin, she is not happy with how she looks for sure. Her gaze goes further up to see the big band-aid covering the ugly scar on her stomach, at least they would remove the stitches soon. Further, she has quite a few bruises on there, and even though they already look a lot better, she still thinks it’s ugly. 

*Back at Jed’s place*  
“What are you doing here?” asks Jed in reverse.  
“Well I’m just picking up some stuff for Jade, but aren’t you supposed to be… in.. jail or something?”  
After those words left Perrie’s mouth, she instantly regrets them. ‘Can I be any more bold?’  
“Well… I was, but then I paid the bail. I had to give them my ID and stuff, so I can’t travel but otherwise I can stay here until the trail next month” he says quite calmy to Perrie’s surprise.  
Perrie nods, on the one hand she is glad that Jed didn’t attack her like she was expecting, but on the other hand, she is angry. Not at Jed, well of course at Jed, but mostly at the state and police or whoever was responsible for letting someone like Jed out of jail, after what he did to Jade.  
Perrie ends up shaking her head a bit and then she heads upstairs to grab Jade’s stuff. She doesn’t want to waste any more time with Jed, there is someone at home waiting for her who needs her time more urgently.   
She quickly grabs a big suitcase and throws some clothes, phone, charger, purse, laptop and some other of Jade’s stuff in. Then she kneels onto it to close it, after she gets up and turns around, she winces again. Jed is standing arms crossed in the door frame watching her, she didn’t even notice him.  
“What do you want?” Perrie hisses as she walks decisively to the door, when Jed makes space she continues to walk downstairs fast.   
“Can you at least tell me how she is?” he asks following her.  
Perrie stops abruptly, turns around and laughs ironically.   
“Really? You wanna know how she is? Well what do you think how she is, after you almost killed her?! Beating, kicking and battering her until she couldn’t move anymore. You are one sick person, Jed!”  
Jed rubs his hand through his eyes “Yes, I regret that… can you please tell her that I am sorry?”  
“No, I can’t!” Perrie takes a step towards him and points her finger towards him aggressively.   
“I wanna see her… or at least talk to her” he says still being calm.  
This calmness in Jed just triggers Perrie more because it makes her feel like she is overreacting and being the jerk even though Jed is the psycho.  
“No, you won’t! We will get an injunction against you and once you only come to the same street as my house, then the police will be more than happy to arrest you!”  
“I just want to apologize”   
“You can stuff your sorries in a sack! Honestly! Did you even know that Jade only made it to me with her last strength and that if she would’ve only come half an hour later, then they most likely wouldn’t have been able to stop her internal bleedings… and she.. she would be dead right now?!” Perrie screams at him with tears in her eyes.  
Jed looks down and doesn’t say a thing.  
“Yes, that’s what I expected. Just do me one favor, take yourself, go to the next bridge, jump or do whatever else… but you may NEVER EVER approach or talk or go to my Jadey AGAIN!” Perrie pokes her finger in his chest while she says that with a dead serious stare.  
Jed doesn’t even listen to Perrie’s hateful words. Instead he notices himself getting a bit angry as well now.  
“Your Jadey?” he laughs.  
“Yes” Perrie nods decisively.  
“Well, she is still my girlfriend” he smirks provokingly.  
“No she isn’t. You lost that status once you raised your hand against her the first time!” Perrie shakes her head.  
“Technically she is, she never broke up with me and I certainly did not break up with her”  
Perrie doesn’t even know why she becomes so angry about those words, it’s not even like they actually mean anything or Jade is really still with him. It is just Jed provoking her and she totally gets on to it.  
“Are you being serious?” she can’t believe what he is saying.  
“Yes, I am. Jade will always love me and I will always love her”  
“Well let me tell you that, dude, she stopped loving you a long time ago!”  
Jed clenches his teeth “Well the last time we were together that sounded a lot different. ‘Uh Jed give me more, I want you’. Such a little slut” he imitates Jade moaning.  
Perrie hasn’t even processed his words fully when her flat hand hits his cheek.  
“Fuck you. And don’t you ever dare call her that again”  
He holds his cheek and looks surprised at Perrie. Instinctively he would have hit her back immediately, but he thinks of something better.  
“Well let me tell you one thing. Jade might not love me anymore the way she used to, but once I have heard those three magical words from her. And let me tell you who will never hear those!” then he points his finger towards Perrie.  
Perrie raises an eyebrow, she knows what he is implying but she just can’t believe it. How can he even know?  
“What do you mean?” she frowns and settles back immediately.  
“You know exactly what I mean. ‘My Jadey’. You are head over heels into her, but let me tell you another thing. I will get her back, because she will always love me and she will never EVER have feelings for YOU. Once she finds out, she will be completely grossed out and move away from you, so that you can’t even call her a friend anymore and secretly take advantage of all of your friendly cuddling sessions. Also your whole career will be ruined because of that. Leigh and Jesy will hate you as well for destroying the band and you will die really lonely while I have my girl”  
Perrie shakes her head, she doesn’t even know what to say, she is just speechless. She knows that Jed just says anything to piss her off but it still gets to her. She just can’t wrap her mind around what he just said. It hits her really deep, also it makes her feel a bit bad, especially because she feels guilty now about those times she got close to Jade just as friends.  
Jed notices that he got her so her adds another thing “You are disgusting! Really you are. Taking advantage of Jade being vulnerable! Once Jade knows, she will feel the same way. ‘Jerrie’ or however you are called in that little fantasy of yours, will never happen, because Jade needs a real MAN, who can satisfy her needs. Not someone like you. You will see, Jade will rather be with me, after all that happened, than with you, even though you took care of her and so on… But at the end of the day it is and stays a just little dirty secret”  
Perrie doesn’t have a comeback right now, she just feels completely insecure and self-conscious right now. Jed basically named all of her deepest fears and worries and hit them right in her face, just as cruel as can be. Even though she know deep down that Jade will never get back with him, she also feels some truth to those words- Jade will never be with her. She grabs the suitcase without saying other words and turns around to leave. This was one of the most frightening experiences Perrie has ever made, because Jed knew basically everything that was going on in her head during the last time. Except he didn’t. He just guessed it, but when he saw Perrie’s reaction, she gave it away herself and he knew what was going on. The next thing he was doing, was to say the most hurtful and cruel things he could think off, he had no idea that these were Perrie’s fears and Perrie had no idea that he was literally just saying random things. In the end, Jed got what he wanted, he hurt Perrie and Perrie experienced something she has never done before.   
Perrie walks two steps when Jed asks “And ehm Perrie, one last thing?!”  
Perrie sighs, she doesn’t even know why, but she stops and turns around, ready to hear the next hurtful words. But no, no words, instead ‘crash’. Jed hit her with his elbow right in her face.  
Perrie bows down and grabs her nose, she sees blood on the floor right away.  
“That was for the slap and now get the fuck out of my house” he grabs Perrie’s shoulders, pushes her outside and throws the suitcase right behind her. After that he slams the door close.  
Perrie just stands there on the outside, she has never experienced something like that before, she just feels empty, insecure, busted and bad. Really bad about herself. Jed just knew exactly what he had to say to push exactly those little buttons. Like he has listened to every of Perrie’s thoughts and knew every little insecurity of hers just to blow it right into her face. Perrie feels so broken and empty, like the biggest loser in the world, when she thinks back to how she imagined it to be like when she would meet Jed. Well in her head, every version she rehearsed in her thoughts, every single one was different from the other, but still this has been nothing like any of those many versions. She feels like she just lost a life changing game, got broken up with, lost her job, lost the love of her life, and all of that at the same time, and on top off that, like someone just punched her in the face. Wait, that really did happen. Slowly she notices the pain creeping in, which kind of brings her back into reality. She quickly grabs some tissues and stuffs them into her nose, then she drives home. She looks in the mirror in the car before she gets back inside the house. She tries her best to clean herself, so that Jade wouldn’t notice. Because the last thing Jade could need right now, was an additional thing to worry about.  
Once she cleaned up, she takes a deep breath and puts a smile on her face. ‘Just smile, Perrie and she won’t even notice’  
“Do you have everything?” she hears Jade ask once she opens the door, making her flinch. It was like a déjà-vu with when she got into Jed’s place.  
“Ehm yeah sure” she mumbles and tries not to give anything away.  
“Great. Thanks so much, Pez”  
Perrie nods and brings the suitcase into the bedroom. When Perrie comes back, Jade starts speaking.  
“Dean is here… I think Jesy and him are getting in on in there” she smirks and points in the direction of Jesy’s bedroom.  
“Oh” Perrie laughs a bit.  
“So was everything okay in there?” asks Jade cautiously.  
“Ehm… yeah sure…” Perrie says quickly without looking at her.  
“Perrie?” asks Jade again.  
Perrie’s head shoots up “I said everything was okay!” she repeats a bit upset.  
Jade did not expect Perrie snapping at her like that at all. She is really confused and a bit intimidated, what was this even about. She had the feeling that something was up, right when Perrie got in. Before she can question Perrie further, she notices blood dropping out of Perrie’s nose.   
“I’m so sorry Jade, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that…” Perrie looks truly apologetic.   
Because it was never her intention to bitch at Jade, she is the last person on earth that deserves that, but she is just really upset and defensive and self-conscious. Also she really wants to avoid going into any details of what truly happened there.  
“Pez…” Jade says and points to her nose.  
“Oh” Perrie says as she rubs hers hand under nose and sees blood.  
“He was there, right?” Jade tenses and her pulse shoots up immediately.  
“No, her wasn’t.. it’s just random nose bleeding” Perrie shakes her head trying to calm Jade down.  
Then Jade sees all of the blood on Perrie’s shirt. How could she even overlook that in the first place but it was not easily visible on her dark shirt.  
“Oh my gosh… he knows where I am” Jade doesn’t even listen anymore to what Perrie is saying because it is her panic taking over.  
Perrie quickly rushes over to Jade and kneels down in front of her.  
“He won’t dare to come her. We’ll get an injunction and you’ll be safe. Don’t worry”  
Jade is just in panic and there is nothing that can change her mind right now “No…no.. he  
will come… he will kill us” she stutters while tears start to rush down her eyes.  
“Jadey…” Perrie grabs her hands and holds them strongly, she tries to think of something that will convince her otherwise, but to be honest Perrie cannot rule out herself either that Jed might come here.  
Like who knows? He is a psychopath. He might do anything, he is just completely unpredictable. Therefore, Perrie makes a decision that is a safer alternative for both of them right now.  
“You know what? We’ll just go to the hotel. He won’t know where we are then and he can’t come in. There’ll be security and stuff”  
Jade nods, still tears falling down her cheek.  
“Okay good, I’ll get my stuff and then we can go right away” she takes Jade into her arms and holds her, but not only because Jade needs this, also herself.  
As she feels Jade crying on her shoulder, she can hear Jed’s words in her ears again ‘You’re taking advantage of her’. Perrie tries her best not to listen, but eventually she gets up once she notices Jade relax a bit.  
“Anyways… I’ll go pack the stuff, tell Jesy and then we can go”  
Jade watches Perrie do all of this and she can definitely sense that something is up with Perrie. So far Perrie has been her rock, her fearless safe heaven. Now she notices that Perrie suddenly seems really upset, insecure and occupied with herself. She thinks that it must be because of something Jed has said, because when Perrie left she was still completely normal. She hates Jed and also herself for that, just because of her- because this happened to her and because she let Jed into her life in first place- Perrie was hurt as well now. Just because of her Perrie is not smiling and strong anymore. Because of her. She can’t stand that and decides that she needs to find out and fix what is wrong soon.  
In the hotel Jade feels already a lot better, she feels much safer and seeing the amazing penthouse they got makes her even smile a bit.  
“Perrie look at the jacuzzi, we gotta get in there”  
Perrie is still very insecure but she just can’t reject any wish of Jade and seeing her happy makes her happy, therefore she nods.  
“Great idea”  
“Should we also order some champagne?” asks Jade grinning while putting off her shirt.  
“Ehm I would love to.. but I don’t know whether that’s a good idea with all the medication you take?!”  
Jade looks down, a bit disappointed “Right”  
Perrie sees that, goes to Jade and pats her on the shoulder “It will all come back and once you’re off those meds and feeling better, the first thing we can do is go out and get wasted… if you want to, of course”  
Jade pulls up one side of her lip “Yes, that would be great”  
Perrie hugs her lightly and gives her a peck on the forehead “We’ll do that”  
As Perrie walks away, Jade gives her a smack on the butt.   
Perrie turns around and pretends to be shocked “Hey!”  
Then they both start laughing and for a moment all of their worries are gone.  
After they both took off their shirt and pants, leaving them in their underwear as they forgot to bring any swimwear, Perrie grabs some new waterproof plasters for Jade and applies them on her scar from the surgery. Afterwards she puts an arm around Jade’s upper body and one under her legs to carry her bridal style outside into the jacuzzi. Once Jade sits comfortably, Perrie walks around to the other side and sits opposite to Jade. The atmosphere is just so relaxing, they are near the top of the hotel on a jacuzzi, on the outside. It’s the cold air and the hot water, which is just a great combination. Sitting in the tub, they can only hear some noise from the streets down below, but still very far away, see the lights of the city and the skyscrapers close to them, the hot steam from the water rising up, and each other’s lingering gazes. They stare at each other for a while, at some point Perrie notices that she gets hot and starts to blush. She quickly begins too fan herself some fresh air with her hands.  
“So hot” she breathes heavily.  
Jade giggles, then Perrie blushes even more and stammers “The water…”  
Jade raises an eyebrow and watches Perrie, she finds it hilarious how Perrie is acting. She has no idea what this is even about. Perrie starts to think about some topic they could talk about in order to put the attention away from her and onto something different.  
Before she can think of something not too deep to talk about, she sees Jade move her head to both sides and trying to stretch herself.  
“Are you tensed?”  
“Yeah my back and neck… I guess it’s from all the lying around”  
Perrie nods “Poor babe”  
Jade looks at Perrie and bites her bottom lip “Would it be too bold to ask for a massage?”  
Perrie’s mouth is half open and she points to herself questioningly, as if she can’t believe that Jade is actually asking her this. Well, there is no one else around but Perrie just wants to make sure that Jade is actually referring to her, in order to safe her any more embarrassment.  
“Only if it doesn’t bother you of course”  
Perrie shakes her head and moves to the other side of the jacuzzi “No, not at all”  
Jade slips a bit forward, so that Perrie can sit behind her. Perrie puts Jade’s hair to the side and looks at her neck for a while before she starts to massage her carefully.  
Perrie can’t see it but Jade closes her eyes immediately, clearly enjoying Perrie’s touches.  
“Is that good?” asks Perrie to reassure.  
“Good? Are you joking?” answers Jade indignant.  
Perrie pulls her hands away immediately and stops, her breath quickens, until Jade adds “It’s heavenly”  
Perrie laughs relieved and then continues. When Perrie actually hears Jade moan in pleasure, she notices herself getting flustered and heat up again. Perrie really has to concentrate in order to avoid her hands from becoming shaky.  
“Uh this feels so so good, Pez”  
Perrie knows that Jade refers to the massage of course, but it all just sounds so wrong in her ears and it is not helping her focus at all.  
“You’re so good” moans Jade enjoying Perrie’s massage.  
Perrie actually starts wondering whether Jade does this on purpose and is playing with her but she quickly tells herself that Jade does not suspect anything and that her immature mind is just having filthy thoughts and wish-thinking.  
Jade puts her hand on her neck to pull a strand of hair to the side, Perrie watches Jade’s hand and every part in her body wants to lean forward and kiss Jade’s neck but her brain tells her ‘No’, so she just continues with the massage for a bit until she slips away from behind Jade’s back.  
“So finished”  
“Oh too bad. But thanks a lot Pez, that was really amazing. Just what my back needed”  
Perrie smiles and wants to move to her place opposite to Jade again. When she starts to move away, Jade puts her hand on Perrie’s to keep her by her side. Perrie looks down at Jade’s hand and looks at her questioningly.  
“Please stay here”  
Perrie starts to get filthy thoughts again but she just sits back next to Jade, still as far away as it was possible on the small space.  
“Thanks Pez” Jade smiles lightly and looks at Perrie.  
“No problem” Perrie smiles back a bit.  
“No, I mean for everything… really… for everything. I can’t even put into words how thankful I am…” Jade notices herself getting emotional “I really don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for you”  
Perrie notices how she tears up as well and rubs through her eyes “Stop it Jade…”  
Jade shakes her head and takes both of Perrie’s hands “No, I just want you to know how much this means to me and how much I love you. You are like the bestest best friend someone could ask for in the world. You’re like my sister”  
Baam. That hit home. It is like a stitch in her heart, hearing that. Best friend, sister. She suddenly feels very guilty for all of her thoughts and feelings, it reminds her again of Jed’s words: ‘You’re disgusting’ ‘You’re taking advantage of her being vulnerable’ ‘Little fantasy’ ‘Dirty secret’. She wants to throw up right now, but she can’t, so she just takes all of her feelings and shoves them back inside. She still feels horrible and her stomach is upside down, she really needs to contain herself in order not to cry waterfalls right now. They are so close but yet so far. Like they are speaking a different language, like they are in different conservations, in different places, at different points of time… it is just weird how two people can feel so connected but yet so disconnected. So connected, but just in two completely different ways. It is just unfair. It is like yin and yang, like the moon and the sun, like two different sides of the same battery. One gets everything they need and can wish for, and the other get everything yet everything is hurtful and still not what they truly desire.   
Jade can’t tell by Perrie’s tears that they aren’t positive tears anymore, but she can see the sudden shift in Perrie’s eyes.  
“Hey, Perrie… what’s wrong?”  
“Uh nothing Jadey… I’m just happy”  
“No you are not… I can see that… ever since you came home.. from Jed. Please tell me, what did he do to you?” Jade squeezes Perrie’s hands and looks her deep into the eyes.  
So close, but yet so far.   
“I can’t tell you” sobs Perrie.  
“Yes, you can… it’s just me… you can trust me” Jade gives her an empathic look.  
Perrie takes a deep breath “Uhm… he wanted to talk to you and apologize and was really into my face and when I told him off, he started to get angry and talk crap about how you’re still his girlfriend and how you’re still with him and how he will get you back… and all of that talking just really upset me and made me worry”  
Jade strokes her check “Oh Perrie… you know that that will never happen, right?”  
Perrie nods slowly, it is good to hear that but not good enough because she also knows that Jade will never be with her, what is what really matters to her.  
“…and when did he hit you?”  
“Ehm I slapped him after he talked some crap about you and then he punched me back… nothing too bad really. I mean I provoked him, it was just really stupid of me anyways”  
Jade considers for one moment to actually ask about what he was saying but she knows that it will just pull her deeper into her whole. She just can’t use that right now, still all of her previous happiness that she had in this carefree last hour is gone and her busy mind is taking charge again.   
“No, don’t say that. He had no right”  
Perrie nods quickly “But anyways don’t worry Jadey… it’s fine. It just hurt a bit and a bit of blood but nothing too serious really, not like…” she looks at Jade.  
Jade looks away, her thoughts are racing again. And in her mind she is right back in the moment ‘Fat, ugly slut’ SMACK ‘Disgusting whore’ CRASH. She starts to shake and tears come into her eyes. She has no idea where all of this is coming from, she was doing so great. And now she is just broken inside again. Perrie can see from the outside what Jade is going through, because she was experiencing the exact same thing.  
“What’s wrong, Jadey?”  
“Uh nothing really…” Jade quickly looks up and wipes her tears away, she is completely lost in thoughts, forgetting that Perrie is even there. But now the conversation is the other way around, and also Perrie wouldn’t let loose.   
“That’s not true… please speak to me”   
Jade shakes her head and puts on a fake smile to look at Perrie “I’m fine. No worries”  
Jade knows exactly how much of a burden she is to Perrie already, so she really wants to avoid any further strain. Little does she know that this is actually completely counterproductive and has the exact opposite effect of what she wants it to have- it makes Perrie just worry even more.   
“No you’re not. I know you’re just saying that to make me feel good, but I have witnessed the change in the last days. I know you, I can sense what you’re going through. Please let me in, let me help you. You don’t have to go through any of this alone, I’m here…”  
“I know.. but I just don’t want to cause you any more worries” Jade looks down.  
“You aren’t. You make me even more worried when you shut me out cause I don’t know what you’re up to. It just feels so scary to see you break apart but having to watch from the outside. That is what really makes me worry… So Jadey, please.. why don’t you talk to me?” Perrie looks at her with her big bright glassy eyes.  
Jade just can’t take that and breaks down into Perrie’s arms crying.  
“I have no idea what’s wrong with me… I can see him… see him standing there, with all the hate… and d-disgust in his eyes…. feel him… feel his foot crash into my stomach, feel his fist hit my face… and… hear him… hear him scream, shouting all of those hateful words, calling me a slut and ugly and fat.. I don’t know why it suddenly creeps back into my mind, I was doing fine and suddenly I get all of those thoughts all the time” Jade can’t even stop the words falling out of her mouth, she didn’t mean to say all of that, it just happened. It is Perrie being there, looking at her, reading her, understanding her, giving her strength, the strength she needs to speak up for once about what really goes on inside of her.  
Even though it makes Perrie’s heart ache hearing that Jade is hurting, it still relieves her. Finally, she feels like they connect a bit more, like she gets in and can help Jade.  
“That’s totally normal, really…. Nobody can take something like that and then just live on and pretend like nothing happened. Don’t judge your thoughts, you are processing it. It’s hard, but it is necessary in order to move on. But we can talk about it, it will help… we will go through this together. I’m always there for you, will always be by your side, you will never ever be on your own, I will be there while you heal, promised” Perrie gives Jade a kiss on the back of her head.  
Jade slowly looks up “Really?”  
Perrie smiles convinced “Really”  
Jade leans back again. Perrie watches her for a moment, she thinks heavily of what to say next. She knows what she want to say but she isn’t sure if she should, if Jade is ready yet. But it can’t hurt to ask and this is her chance, so without considering it too much, she goes ahead.  
“Ehm Jade, can I ask you something?”  
“Of course you can”  
“Well… I just wanted to ask… well- but you really don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. No pressure at all-… what happened?”  
Jade raises an eyebrow “What exactly do you mean?”  
“I mean everything? What happened? How did it get that far?”  
Jade swallows, she wants to back out, cry and say ‘No Perrie, I’m sorry but I can’t. Really. I can’t talk about this… not now, not ever’. But she knows better, she knows that she will have to talk about it eventually, not only because Perrie deserves to know, but also to help herself heal. She does want to heal, doesn’t she?- So she has to have this conversation at some point, as hard as it might be. So why not now? If not now, when then? If not here, where else? She knows, she would never address it on her own, she would swallow all of it and eventually go down with it. So why not now? The perfect point in time might never come, so what is she waiting for? Therefore, she finds that this is actually a good moment. Well, it has to be, good enough. Good enough in order to save her. This will save her, Perrie will save her. She needs this, she needs this now. Will this be hard? Hell yeah. But is this necessary? Even more so. She knows exactly that she will break down, that she will cry and hurt, that is just inevitable, she has to face this now, she has to fight for her family, for Little Mix, for her fans, for her friends, for the girls, for Perrie. For herself. She does not even know whether she will be able to tell Perrie anything at all, yet everything. But she still decides to give it a shot, she has to try it at least, so she starts to talk eventually. Slow, broken, quiet, but eventually she gets some words out of her mouth.  
“It all started on a Saturday morning…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was really indecisive whether and how deep I wanted to let Jade fall with this.... anyways I decided that this is the way. Well, for now. Without giving away too much, I want to say that stuff will happen in the future, which will basically bring back many memories and which will be kind of be Jade's rock bottom. But for now, I want her to move on quickly and enjoy the moment. But obviously, such things don't go away so easily and it will definitely haunt her for a long time... just wanted to explain it a bit...  
> Anyways, I am really satisfied with this chapter and it took me quite some time to write because I wanted to make it really good. So as this took me some time, you know what doesn't take long? Smashing that kudos button! Thanks xx


	17. 17- Let it all out

“It all started on a Saturday morning…” Jade takes a deep breath, she has to contain herself, otherwise she won’t even get a full sentence out.  
“..You know when we had that party because we finished the album… when I came home, Jed was still up, and he… he” Jade stops and once again takes a deep breath. She speaks very slowly and quiet, really word for word, but she speaks and if she would start crying now, then she couldn’t speak anymore, therefore she takes a moment. Perrie notices Jade struggling, she sees Jade fidgeting with her hands, so she takes both of them and holds them tight.  
“he told me I was…” although she can’t prevent her eyes getting wet, she still manages to speak, but really has to focus in order not to burst into tears “ he said.. I was… disgusting and a slut.. and cheated… I mean, he was just drunk, but it still...”  
Then she pauses again.  
“Remember when you asked me about the wound on my face and I said something about that I fell or walked against something or whatever… I can’t even remember, I just used way too many of those excuses…” she rolls her eyes and then looks at Perrie “well I fell onto the table and into shards of a bottle… because of him… kind of”  
Perrie just looks at Jade, signaling her that she is listening that she can continue, she doesn’t want to interrupt Jade right now, she doesn’t want to make this about herself so she just holds Jade’s hand and listens. Just by her presence and her holding Jade’s hands steadily, she shows Jade her sympathy.  
“Then he would always apologize, tell how sorry he was, how he didn’t mean it and how this wouldn’t happen again. But it did. Always the same thing. I was so stupid for believing him… time and time again. I should’ve left him the first time… so stupid” Jade shakes her head tearing up. Perrie squeezes her hand and shakes her hand, before she can speak up, Jade continues.  
“When I took some distance from him the next days, he would just continue drinking and at some point he was mad at me, because ‘He was tired of me acting this way’, he thought I was ‘overreacting’, that was when it escalated the first time. He was telling me how I am so ugly… and fat.. and worthless… and how nobody would ´want me” Jade rolls her eyes trying to suppress her tears. It is really hard for Perrie to listen, this all just sounds so outlandish to her. It doesn’t make any sense, and Jed is so so wrong.  
“When I challenged him, he slapped me. In that moment, that was it for me, really. I was decisive that I would leave, if I would’ve made it through the door on that day, then the rest… all of this wouldn’t have happened… weird right?” Jade thinks a moment to think about this, quite funny actually to her, if she just wouldn’t have said “Stop me” and would’ve just ran, then probably she would’ve made it and none of this would’ve happened, crazy.  
Jade snaps back into reality and continues “Well he wouldn’t let me go. I wanted to go to you, but of course he didn’t let me to. Then he threw the bundle of keys right into my face…” Jade shakes her head and Perrie looks really shocked.  
“It hurt so bad and was just so sudden” Jade shrugs “I can still reexperience the whole memory… I think that was also the first time I was truly scared of Jed. And that was when things started to get complicated…”  
Jade sighs “you guys kept asking questions, I had to hide the marks and Jed’s and my relationship was different forever…” at some point as she talks about this, she notices how she takes on a different perspective as if she moves to a more outsider position and tells the story like a neutral narrator. She can’t tell why this happens, but it does, it is probably a self-protective mechanism from her body because reliving all these memories would just be too painful, therefore she just feels empty and.. and weird.  
Jade continues to tell Perrie the whole story, with the time it gets easier because she sees Perrie attentively listening and reassuring her. She tells her, about the other fights, the assault, her fear, her pain, her bad conscience because she was not telling the girls but she just didn’t know how. She explains how she noticed herself change, from the way she started smoking and lost her driver’s license to the moment she locked everyone else out and was just on her own with her anxieties. She tries to explain how hard it was for her, everything and how empty, scared and bad she felt. When she comes to talk about the final night, the night, she can’t contain herself anymore and starts crying, the self-protective mechanism stops working and she just gets all of the feelings, pain and fear right back into her head, like a shower of cold water. Under tears she describes what happened and how she thought that Jed was gonna kill her and that she would die. How she made it with all of her last force to Perrie.  
She is about to finish, when she has to address one final thing. Even though Perrie almost forgot everything about this, it is still bugging Jade and she feels very bad. Therefore, she gets to her fight with Perrie in the car and the way she was telling her down.  
Jade starts sobbing “I… I am. So. So. Sorry Perrie, I can’t… I can’t even say how much… you were literally the last person who deserved this… I think I was just scared and overwhelmed because you actually cared more about me.. than I did…”   
It breaks Perrie to hear these words, she has to bite her lip to not start crying as well.  
“and in that moment let me tell you, when you drove away… I literally wished for Jed to punch me when I get back home, because it was what I deserved…”  
Jade takes a deep breath “I really can’t say what was wrong with me for protecting Jed in favor of you guys… You were there and caring, but I just kept pushing you guys away… just so stupid… I’m just so stupid… and weak”  
Now Perrie can’t keep quiet anymore, she can’t stand Jade being sad and she can’t accept if Jade is the one making herself feel this way “No no no… don’t say that. You aren’t stupid, neither are you weak. You are literally the smartest person I know and you survived that. You survived.. if that doesn’t prove that you’re bloody strong, then I don’t know what would… you have to stop putting yourself down, Jed has already done that enough, my love. You didn’t deserve that, or any of that. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself! You are beautiful and deserve to be happy and loved. I know it’s easier said than done, but we have to try get rid of those stupid voices in our head”   
While Perrie says the last sentence, she deliberately says ‘we’ and ‘our’, because she isn’t just talking about Jade, but also about herself. She knows what that feels like. And she wants it to stop, it has to stop. For Jade, but also for herself. It is not helpful, not helpful at all. It really won’t change any of her feelings, it will just make her feel guiltier about her feelings.  
“Do you mean that?” Jade looks at her with her wet eyes.  
“Of course, I mean that. I love you, Jade” she squeezes Jade’s hands and looks deep into her eyes, signaling with her gaze the genuineness and power of her words.   
“I love you too, Perrie”   
Perrie tries to smile, if Jade only knew how much more those three word mean to her.  
The next day, Jade’s phone rings in the morning.  
“Hello?”  
“Hello, Ms. Thirlwall, this is Detective Benson from the London Police, we just wanted to inform you on the development of your case”  
Jade immediately swallows and tenses, last night after their emotional talk they went to bed early and Perrie was just holding her, being by her side as the last tears were flowing in the processing of the memories. Perrie is still asleep, so Jade shakes her a bit, signaling her that she needs her. Perrie is wide awake right when she sees the worried look on Jade’s face and her tensed body posture. She sits up next to Jade and takes her hand.  
“Okay… what is it?” asks Jade hesitantly.   
“Well things went not too bad. Jed apparently overdosed on the said night, so a friend brought him to the hospital where they were able to document his blood level and the injuries he had on his hand, they also took his clothes and the lab confirmed that the blood on his clothes was also yours. Because he was in hospital, colleagues of us were also to go to your house and take pictures and document the scene. Therefore, we were able to arrest him shortly after he left the hospital, anyways he paid the bail, so he got out of jail until the trial. What takes me to the next thing.. Jed didn’t plead guilty yet, so we definitely have to talk to you again, so there won’t be any problems in court. But what I really want to tell you is to stay away from him, don’t answer any calls, don’t talk to him, don’t text him and if he tries to contact you or comes to your place, call us immediately”  
Jade tries to process all of the information, it is not as bad as she suspected. Things sound promising, so it relieves her a bit, Perrie can also sense that.   
“How long can he get?”  
“Hard question, it depends… basically anything from under a year to more than 5 years. The attorney wants to go for attempted manslaughter. Also did you tell anyone about this, because we will need witnesses”  
Jade wants to say ‘no’, but Perrie nods heavily trying to signal her to say yes. Jade frowns and is not sure of what to do, so she just says “More or less”  
“What does that mean?- Well okay, you know what.. we’ll discuss that when you come here. What is good, is that Jed asked if he killed you when he woke up in the hospital… so I think things are on our side so far, but we really need to talk to avoid any sudden surprises”  
Although the detective said all of the things in very matter-of-fact fashion, it is still hard for Jade to swallow. Just hearing her say “Jed asked if he killed you” starts a lot of thinking and processes in her, even though the detective just said it like it is nothing.   
Jade and the detective schedule an appointment for Jade to come to the police station to talk. Then the detective hangs up, Jade has her phone still on her ear and stares against the wall for another second before she slowly takes the phone down. It feels just very surreal, she almost can’t believe that Jed is actually being prosecuted for this. Hearing the appointment for the trial makes everything so real for her, sometimes she thinks that this is just a movie or some kind of bad dream, this did not really happen to hear, right? It can’t have, that would be crazy. Things like this happen in movies and to some.. well... less fortunate women, but not to her? You can read these things in the news, but that doesn’t really happen to normal people, does it? But hearing that, kind of throws her back into the cold water of reality that she was happily trying to avoid. Luckily, Perrie is there to save her.  
“Jade… please talk to me. What is going on inside your head?”  
Jade is still not fully present in the moment, she slowly looks at Perrie and stumbles.  
“I don’t know… it just all feels so surreal. Like is this really happening? Will all of this stop now? I can’t explain it, it’s so weird. I should be happy but I’m just…so lost”  
Perrie nods, trying to understand.   
Jade tries not lose her mind right now, so she is happy when Perrie pulls her out of her endless web of thoughts.  
“Ehm about the witness thing... I will say that you told me”  
Hearing those words, Jade slowly enters back into reality, she quickly brushes away the tears she didn’t even notice were falling down her eyes and shakes her head.  
“No you can’t do that”  
“Why not? If it will help you and get him into prison, I will. Also.. you theoretically told me”  
“Just that I practically didn’t. No, I’m not gonna let you do that. Do you even realize what kind of consequences that can have?”  
“They wouldn’t know” Perrie argues stubbornly, decisive in her mission to do anything that will help Jade.  
“But what if they would?? I don’t want you to lie for me”  
Perrie insists louder “But I would”  
Suddenly Jade breaks into tears “Do you think that I want to lose you as well, if they would find out? I can’t survive without you, I need you here!”  
Perrie really didn’t expect Jade to say that, it makes her go quiet.  
Jade just looks Perrie deep into her eyes with her tearful Bambi eyes, Perrie just can’t stand that and pulls Jade into a hug.  
The two hug each other, until suddenly Jade pushes Perrie away and looks at her in delight.  
“The barkeeper! I told her!” it is like a brainwave.  
Perrie raises an eyebrow, a bit confused not only by Jade’s out of context words but also by her sudden action.  
“What?”  
“There was this barkeeper in a club, I told her! She knows!”  
Jade had almost forgotten about their little conversation in the bathroom, but suddenly it just popped into her mind and she is more than glad, because this doesn’t only mean that Perrie doesn’t have to lie for her, but it also means that she actually has a valid witness.  
Perrie sees this somehow a bit different. Yes, of course she is happy for Jade that she has a witness. But she just wishes that it was her, who Jade told and not some random woman she doesn’t even know. It feels like a little stab into her heart, doesn’t Jade trust her?  
“Why would you tell her and not me?”  
Jade is instantly being pulled out of her glorious happy moment when she hears Perrie’s quiet, sad words.  
“I… I don’t know” Jade looks down, she can’t look into Perrie’s big disappointed eyes right now.  
Perrie sighs, she is ashamed for feeling betrayed right now, like this isn’t about her, can’t she be happy for Jade, just for one second. Does she have to start thinking about herself, nothing but herself right away? She really has to grab her ego and put it elsewhere.  
This is also what she does.  
“You know what… I’m sorry Jadey. I’m lucky you have someone” she puts on a smile, but both of them know exactly that it isn’t genius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, but the new semester started, so I will be a lot busier from now on. Anyway, I am still super into this story and will try to update at least once a week! Also the next update will follow really soon because I have already written quite a bit from the next chapters and it will be longer again as this was only more or less a bridge in the story. Until then, I hope y'all are doing really great!


	18. 18- Process

The time passes by fast.  
One week later, Jade’s stitches have been removed, the hematoma on her back and stomach were already gone and the bruise on her face was also barely visible anymore. Also Jade felt better day by day. The day she had to go to the police to prepare the trial was very hard for her but talking to Perrie helped a lot. Any time she would have a bad thought, she could talk to Perrie and any time she was having worries or anxieties, what still happened a lot, Perrie was there to hold her and calm her down.  
Another week later, Jade could walk with the crutches effortless, her torso only hurt every now and then and her face was almost completely back to normal. She could reduce the pain medication a lot and started to work a bit again, although from home, but it was a good first step.  
Three weeks later, Jade could start to walk without the crutches, she was still limping but finally the plaster was gone and she could shower and bath without bothering. She became a lot more independent and didn’t rely on Perrie to move her around and help her with everything. Followingly, Perrie had to start to work again and Jade was at home alone. Though Perrie didn’t want to leave Jade alone and tried to convince the management to give her a bit more time with Jade, there was no chance. On the other side, it was a bit scary for Jade at first too and she had to call Perrie at least three times a day, but it got better and then she resorted to only text her now and then and then she didn’t have to contact her at all and could actually do some chords at home, even though Perrie insisted that she should stay in bed and that she would do the house work. But Jade was starting to feel bored being home alone the whole day, also she felt like she owed them. In fact, she lived there for free and the others cared so well for her, so she could at least do something to give back. Now that she was mobile again and not ‘sick’ anymore, she could help.   
Also there was the trial, and actually it went quite well. At first Jed insisted that he didn’t do anything but the evidence was just too strong and he also started to get caught up in his own web of lies. Therefore, he didn’t stand a chance and got a punishment of 18 months behind bars. Although they hoped for more, it was still something and Jade would be free from worries about him for the next time. But not everybody was as content as Jade, Perrie was furious. She was almost arrested herself because she lost her temper in court, and she also couldn’t understand how Jade would be okay with this. But after some time, Perrie cooled down again and they were just glad that Jade at least got some justice.   
A month later, Jade is almost healed again. Her wounds are all closed again, her broken bones healed to a good extent and the bruises disappeared, she didn’t have to take any pain medication anymore, because the pain was gone. Her mind healed as well. Her and Perrie are closer than ever, even though they spend their days apart: They get up together, eat breakfast, but then Perrie goes to work. When Perrie comes home, they cook together dinner or Perrie cooks and Jade helps her, even though Perrie tells her to just lean back and relax. Then they would get to bed together. In the last days they even left the house, now that Jade’s external wounds all have healed and her mental wounds were on a good path as well. They went for a walk to the park, the beach, just wherever there was some nature and peace.   
Two weeks later, back to the present.  
“Perrie, you know… I have to talk to you” says Jesy when she finally catches Perrie on her own because Jade is taking a shower.  
“Yea sure, what’s it?”  
“I want to move out. Dean and I found a nice place where we want to move in together” Jesy smiles.  
Perrie is a bit surprised to hear that, but nods “oh okay, sure… I mean that’s nice for you, I’m really glad you’re happy”  
Jesy pulls Perrie in for a hug “Yes, I am. Also, at least then Jade and you have a bit more space, maybe she wants to move into my room… like officially”  
Perrie nods “Good idea”  
Jesy shrugs “I mean, not that she isn’t living here already anyways, but then at least I don’t distract you two lovebirds anymore”  
“Jesy! We aren’t” Perrie blushes.  
“Sure thing” Jesy nods not convinced at all, even though she knows exactly that they aren’t, she just wants to tease Perrie and test the limits.  
“Well at least then we don’t have to hear Dean and you screwing anymore!”  
Jesy laughs “I’m not gonna apologize for that”  
After their conversation, Perrie waits for Jade to come back from her shower.  
Perrie sits on her bed nervously, she doesn’t even know why, but she just is.  
When Jade comes in, just in a towel and with wet hair, Perrie gets even more nervous.  
‘Gosh, stop it, you perv’ Perrie tells herself trying not stare too much at Jade.  
“Is something?” Jade raises an eyebrow seeing Perrie sitting on the bed neatly.  
“Ehm… I just wanted to talk to you” Perrie looks at her leg, which bounces nervously.  
“Oh okay.. sure. What is it, Pez?” Jade raises an eyebrow and sits down next to Perrie.  
“I wanted to ask you, if you” Perrie slows down the speed of her flow a bit and looks at Jade shyly “if you want to move in?”  
Jade starts bursting out in laughter “Am I not already living here anyways?”  
Perrie grins and bites her lip “No, I mean like officially, Jesy will move out”  
Jade smiles brightly “Yes, of course. I’d love that” then she hugs Perrie.  
The next day was the first working day of Jade, all went pretty good. Perrie was really glad that no one bothered Jade and stared, but completely the opposite happened, people have been really nice and saying how happy they were to see Jade again and how great it was that she was back.   
They did nothing too crazy, Jade could still not dance like she used to, as she had to be a bit careful with the ankle, therefore they just designed the booklet of the album and determined the release date for the album.   
A few days later and the girls are in the waiting room in the front of their manager’s office, they are supposed to discuss details about the upcoming tour and release of the album. They are all just sitting there, waiting, scrolling through the phone, when a young man comes up, whose face they haven’t seen before.   
“Hey” he smiles friendly and approaches the girls.  
“Hey” they say in sync.  
“I’m Pete, I’m new here, I work in IT”  
The girls nod and say “Nice to meet you, Pete” again in sync.  
“Wow you guys really got those harmonies” he laughs.  
“Yea always” Leigh-Anne grins.  
He looks around and the girls eye him up. After he looked at every girl, he looks back to Jade, a moment too long for Perrie’s taste because she can already feel her leg starting to bounce.  
“Well, I gotta get back to work then… it was lovely to meet you ladies” he smiles and walks back, while he walks away, he looks back one more time and smiles at Jade who smiles back.  
“Bye Pete” Jade waves.  
Jesy smirks “Like what you see, Jade?”  
When Jesy talks to her, Jade’s head shoots back and she pretends not having looked behind Pete until he disappeared in his office.  
“Well.. ehm.. I mean he is kinda cute, isn’t he?” Jade blushes and asks insecurely.  
Leigh nods “Totally, he seems like a nice guy”  
Also Jesy agrees, just Perrie remains quiet. She just can’t stand being there while Jade talks about someone else. Surely, Jade doesn’t know about her feelings and they aren’t a couple, so she doesn’t owe Perrie anything, still it angers her. Perrie wouldn’t even have expected that it would be so hard for her to see this, she kind of already waited for the moment this would happen, Jade has been single for a while now and she seems to process all the Jed related trauma really well. Therefore, it would only have been a matter of time until Jade would look out for someone new, why couldn’t she be this one though? Well maybe because Jade was straight, so stop it now Perrie, Perrie tells herself. She really has to control herself, otherwise the others would notice, and this was surely the last thing she wants to happen.  
After a while, Steve comes out of his office and tells the girls that he will need some more time, because he apparently has to finish some super important business stuff.  
“Ugh… why are we even here then?” Leigh groans after Steve is gone.  
“So annoying… we are also important-“ Jesy pauses a moment and then leans forward to whisper “well at least it has some benefit, Jade can get Pete’s phone number” then she bounces her head in the direction from which Pete has just left his office.  
Pete walks by the girls and smiles at them, especially at Jade. He goes to the kitchen and grabs a cup of tea, he also has a bag of biscuits in his hands. He stops at the girls and looks at Jade.  
“I have heard you like those” he hands her the biscuits and smiles.  
Jade squeals like a little child “Uh I loooove those”  
“Haha I’m glad to see that” Pete laughs.  
“Thanks” Jade grins.  
Perrie rolls her eyes and in her head she mocks Pete “I hAvE hEArd YoU LiKE thESe”.  
Pete stands there another moment, trying to find some courage. The girls look at him, Jade raises an eyebrow.  
“Ehm can I help you with another thing?”  
Pete swallows “Actually you can… I wanted to ask if you would like to go grab a coffee and maybe some biscuits some day?”   
Jade smirks “I’d love to”  
Pete smiles brightly “Great! So will you give me your phone number, then we can text and find a date”  
Jade nods and takes his phone to save her contact “Here you go”  
Pete takes his phone back and smiles “Thank you. So I’ll text you then!”  
Jade nods “I’m looking forward to hear from you”  
“Bye then” then Pete disappears back into his office, after he looked two times back at Jade while walking there.  
Perrie is boiling. When he first gave her the biscuits, she was so already furious. How cheap was that? And also how did he even know that, is he some crazy stalker? Perrie can just sense that she doesn’t like this Pete, he is just way too nice and doesn’t fit to Jade in her opinion. She presses her lips together in anger after he is gone and Jade is still blushing over the encounter. When Jesy and Leigh babble over what just happened in joy, Perrie just sits there eye rolling, are they serious? She just gets angrier and angrier thinking over everything that just happened, until she can’t stand it anymore and almost jumps up. When she realizes how impulsive her action has been, she tries to sound calm.  
“Ehm I’m going to the restroom”   
Leigh and Jade don’t even pay any attention to Perrie anymore, but Jesy can’t fail but look after her. She has an idea what this might be about. Even though Perrie thought she was being subtle during Jade and Pete’s encounter, Jesy couldn’t fail but notice how Perrie first started bouncing her leg nervously, then started clenching her fists strongly and bit her lip becoming a bit red in anger. She also didn’t miss how Perrie rolled her eyes and couldn’t even look at him, crossing her arms and shaking her head in anger, just enough to be seen. She knows Perrie way too well to miss any of these signs. Therefore, she decides to investigate her assumptions and follows Perrie.  
In the bathroom, Perrie stands in front of the mirror, unsure whether to cry or punch against the mirror. She aggressively holds the sink and stands there looking at herself, quietly hissing some incomprehensible words to herself. Jesy bursts in and Perrie quickly pretends to wash her hands.  
“What was that, Edwards?” Jesy closes the door, leans against the wall having her arms crossed and looks strictly at Perrie.  
“What was what?” Perrie says while looking down in the sink where she washes her hands. She stops the water and grabs a towel, not even bothering to engage in this discussion now.  
“Are you jealous?!” asks Jesy directly not playing this game.  
Perrie laughs a moment like she wants to signal Jesy that she just said something way off, then she stops “What? Are you insane? Why would I be jealous?!”  
“I don’t know. You tell me!” Jesy shrugs and doesn’t take her eyes off Perrie.  
“I just don’t like this Pete guy. So weird how he charmed Jade, he seemed so needy and slimy. I don’t know… how did he even know that Jade likes biscuits?! Isn’t that creepy?” Perrie says with a disgusted look on her face.  
“Oh. My. Gosh.”   
Perrie turns around aggressively and looks at Jesy “What?”  
“You are totally jealous!” Jesy grins.  
“No, I’m not!” Perrie becomes red.  
“I can totally understand if you might have caught some feelings for Jade. Like you have been with her 24/7 the last weeks. That’s totally normal. Nothing to be ashamed about. You helped her so much and cared for her...-“ Jesy explains.  
Perrie interrupts her “I don’t have feelings for Jade. You are being ridiculous. Jade is my bandmate!”  
“Right, she is. And that is also why you shouldn’t have feelings for her. Perrie, I don’t judge you if you might have feelings for her, that’s not even your fault but-“  
“Stop it, Jessica! I don’t have feeling for her, okay?!” Perrie hisses.  
“Sure. And I’m the queen of England” Jesy shakes her head.  
Perrie becomes a bit annoyed now and wants to say something, when Jesy’s face softens.  
“You know what, Perrie? I just don’t want you to get hurt. Get hurt by what the public and management would do to you, but also hurt by Jade… Hurt by Jade not feeling the same way. I know she might be very touchy and close at the moment but she will move on eventually and I don’t want you to get hurt because of that… because of some miscommunication. I don’t want you guys to have problems because of some misread signals… maybe you should get some distance, it is not healthy for either of you. You are always clinging to each other and she’s vulnerable right now, so yea… some of her actions might look a certain way, but just don’t get lost in this… fantasy or illusion or whatever. You need to be realistic, as hard as that might be and as harsh as my words sound right now, I am just trying to protect you… the same way you protect Jade. And.. Maybe you should start to look for someone… someone else as well … boy or girl… but just don’t fall for something that will only destroy you…”  
Perrie looks down, she feels sick just by the thought of Jade and her dating someone else. It is completely unthinkable for her to date someone else right now. Her head and heart are all about Jade, no one else. Also she can’t distance herself from Jade, Jade needs her… she needs Jade. It would kill her. Also if Jade wouldn’t reciprocate her feelings, then at least she wants to stay close to her in any other thinkable way, so she just can’t back off. She can’t lose their friendship, even though that is not what she truly desires, it is still.. something. And that something is surely better as nothing, enough to keep her alive.  
“Okay” Perrie says simply, not wanting to discuss this any further because then she would probably start to cry and couldn’t deny anymore, even though her reaction must have already been enough of an approval to Jesy.  
“Okay?” Jesy raises an eyebrow, unsure of what to make out of this. So did Perrie just confirm her worries and take her advice or what is this supposed to mean?! She has so many questions but Perrie doesn’t have to intention to answer any of them right now.  
“I’m gonna go back, Steve will probably call us in any minute” then she leaves.  
Jesy stands there completely lost “But?!” she wants to stop Perrie from going, but Perrie just leaves without even hearing those words.

On the weekend, also finally the time has come for Jade to get back into some partying. Jade is healthy and strong again and in desperate need of some alcohol, therefore the girls met up at Leigh’s place for a fun evening. After two hours and four wine bottles, which Perrie and Jade basically drank all by themselves, Jade and Perrie are sitting next to each other laughing loud on the couch. Leigh sits on the carpet opposite to them and Jesy in a chair next to Leigh-Anne. Leigh and Jesy watch Perrie and Jade laughing. Jesy looks at Leigh and raises an eyebrow and Leigh just gives her a glance back.  
“Normally I am the one getting drunk” says Leigh, eyeing Jade and Perrie who are still laughing.  
“What is even so funny?” asks Jesy a bit annoyed by now.  
Yes, also she and Leigh drank a bit, but they are not even really tipsy, but Jade and Perrie.. they have been pouring one glass after the other.  
“Should we play a drinking game?!” Jade’s head shoots up excited.  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” tries Jesy to say but her interjection is drowned out by Perrie screaming.  
“Yeees” cheers Perrie, and Jesy and Leigh just shake their heads.  
“It’s an amazing idea” screams Perrie and then she and Jade start cackling about what they want to play.  
Jesy sighs “Guys…”  
“You gotta drink more” Jade gets up and when she takes her first step, she sways to the side and almost falls.  
“Whoops” she giggles and Perrie just continues laughing.  
“Jade!” Jesy hisses and watches her worried on her way to grab another bottle of wine.  
This time though, Jade has not only a bottle of wine but also a bottle of Tequila.  
“Look what I found” she wiggles with her eyebrows.  
Leigh takes a deep breath “Who brought that even?”  
Jade grins “My handbag” and then puts four shot glasses on the table and gets some lemons and salt.  
“Gosh Leigh, we have to stop that!” Jesy puts her head into her hands.  
“No you dooooon’t” Perrie shakes her head.  
“This will not end well” Leigh says but is just met with deaf ears by Perrie and Jade.  
“But I’m not gonna hold your hair when you’re bending over the toilet later!” Jesy shoots a glance at the two.  
30 minutes later and Jesy is the only one trying to stop the drinking because Leigh is now lying on the floor laughing with Perrie and Jade. Jesy is extremely annoyed by the giggling and cackling and blabbering and laughing and screaming.   
“Let’s do a round of body shots” shouts Jade.  
Both Leigh and Perrie agree enthusiastically while Jesy just asks herself what she is even doing there.  
“Come on Jesy” Leigh grabs Jesy and wants to convince her to let her do a body shot on her.  
“Leigh, I will hit you!” Jesy looks at her alarmingly.  
“Well okay.. do you wanna do a body shot on me then?” asks Leigh disappointed.  
“No, I do not want to do a body shot on you, Leigh-Anne” says Jesy, clearly enunciating every single word.  
Then Leigh looks down sadly and also Jade and Perrie give Jesy puppy eyes.  
Jesy sighs “Okay! But only one! And we’re not going to do.. weird stuff or whatever”  
Leigh’s eyes sparkle and she jumps up in joy. When she jumps up, she falls right away on the ground again.   
“I’m fine, I’m fine” slurs Leigh-Anne with her face in the cushion.  
“Gosh… what is going on?!” then Jesy pours some salt on her underarm and grabs the lemon.  
Leigh looks at her questioningly “What are you doing Jessica?”  
Perrie raises an eyebrow at the same time “But you do realize that that’s not how body shots are done?”  
“Yes, I do! But that must be good enough!” Jesy rolls her eyes and hands Leigh her shot glass.  
“Okay.. well let’s go then” Leigh licks the salt off Jesy’s arm, takes the shot and then lets Jesy almost stuff the lemon into her mouth. After they are done, Jade and Perrie look at each other.  
“Well now we’re gonna show you how it’s done”  
Jade pushes Perrie a bit back into a half lying position. Perrie takes the lemon into her mouth and then squeezes her breasts together, putting some salt on her boobs.  
Jade’s eyebrows shoot up “Ugh”  
Then Jade fills carefully, well the best she can in her drunken state, some Tequila into Perrie’s navel.  
Leigh and Jesy watch the two speechless.  
“Okay here we go” Jade mumbles and leans forward.  
She puts her hands next to both sides of Perrie’s body, pulls Perrie’s shirt down a bit and licks the salt off her boobs. Perrie watches Jade in awe. Then Jade goes a bit lower and sips the Tequila out of Perrie’s navel. After that, she gets up and sits down on Perrie’s thighs. She leans forward, looks hungrily into Perrie’s eyes and leans in biting into the lemon. Jade leaning in feels almost like it is in slow motion to Perrie, she can see the look in Jade’s eyes and feels her heart starting to race as she comes closer and closer. The lemon quickly falls out of Perrie’s mouth, but Jade doesn’t even notice that the lemon is gone, neither does she notice the shocked stares of Leigh and Jesy because now it is just her mouth on Perrie’s, kissing her deeply. The two completely forget the world around them, it is just them two, kissing and enjoying the moment. For Perrie it is fireworks shooting through her body, she wants to take in as much as possible and Jade just feels the flame in her starting to heat up and wanting to get closer and closer to the blonde girl.  
After a moment, Jesy regains her countenance and clears her throat “Ehm girls.. the lemon is.. gone”  
Leigh just sits there watching them. When they don’t listen to Jesy, just keep making out and she sees Jade put her hands on Perrie’s side, letting them slide up and down along Perrie, she giggles awkwardly and looks down, feeling like watching something she isn’t supposed to be witnessing.  
As Jesy sees Jade’s hand sliding on Perrie’s side, getting dangerously close to Perrie’s boobs, she stands up and grabs Jade’s shoulders pulling them apart “Girls!”   
It’s not that it would be totally crazy for them girls to share some kisses, Perrie and Jesy have kissed before, also Jade and Jesy have shared a smooch. But this is just getting a little bit too heated for an innocent smooch under friends, so Jesy has to stop this before things get really heated, these two don’t seem to have any manners or control anymore.  
Jade and Perrie don’t even bother Jesy, they just stare at each other while Jade is being pulled up again, she gets off Perrie and after she is sitting next to Perrie and realizes what just happened, she blushes. She feels really hot and turned on and suddenly feels very exposed.  
“Enough PDA for today, girls” says Jesy annoyed.  
“Wow you guys. That was a great body shot!” Leigh giggles.  
“Yes, that’s how it’s done” Perrie looks at Jade, breaking the silence that was between them as they were both a bit self-conscious for a moment, trying to process what just happened. But as Perrie said that, the two start laughing again.  
The next hour, Jade and Perrie act like nothing happened, also Leigh-Anne seems to have forgotten already what just happened. It is just Jesy who watches every single move of Perrie and Jade, she watches how Jade and Perrie touch each other while they laugh, the subtle hands stroking each other’s thigh, the gazes. She knows what this is. It’s the two flirting, well it’s Jade being drunk, needy and lonely, and Perrie being drunk and in love. Jesy doesn’t have to think any longer about how she can end this, when Leigh-Anne stands up, stumbling towards the bathroom. She quickly follows her and when she enters through the door, she sees Leigh leaning over the toilet, disposing the alcohol again. Jade and Perrie just look at each other laughing when they hear the gagging sounds.  
“Damn it Leigh” Jesy says a bit annoyed but when Leigh looks at her with sick eyes, the anger is gone and she is full on the worried mother Jesy.  
Jesy comes back into the living room and looks at Jade and Perrie “Well I guess the party is over… you can call a cab and head home. I will stay and bring Leigh to bed”   
The two nod and go out. When they are in the freezing air and they start to feel alive again, Jade looks at Perrie “We aren’t really going home now, are we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to split this chapter into to 2 parts as it was getting wayyy too long. Therefore, I already got the next one ready as well and will update soon. I hope you enjoyed this first part so far and are excited to see what comes up next ;) Also don't forget to leave me some kudos and comments for clear skin!


	19. 19- Feelings and Alcohol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go with the second part of the previous chapter!

Jade looks at Perrie “We aren’t really going home now, are we?”

“I hoped you’d say that. How about we go home, dress up and then go to a club” suggests Perrie grinning.  
Jade agrees and the two head home to change, as they are still in joggers and just some chill clothes. Perrie decides to dress up, with the exact intention of causing a reaction in Jade, what is also what happens when she enters the living room. Jade sits there already finished, scrolling through her phone, when Perrie enters the living room in a short black sparkly dress, Jade’s mouth is open.  
“Wow you look really… amazing” Jade blushes.  
Perrie smirks a bit and thanks her. When they get outside to the cab, Perrie walks behind Jade and eyes her. As they arrive at the cab, Perrie leans forward and whispers into Jade’s ear while they get in.  
“You also look more than fine yourself, Ms. Thirlwall”   
Jade turns around and smiles “Thanks”  
Jade and Perrie enter the club and head right away to the bar to do some shots. They are really cold from outside and the fresh air has sobered them up already a bit. Also Jade has waited so long to be able to spend a real wild night out. And now, she will, she is more than ready to get drunk, dance wildly and fall asleep in this night’s clothes. Therefore, she really doesn’t mind this escalating a bit. After having poured down the shots like real pros, they stand by the bar and look around. Perrie immediately sees guys staring at them longingly. Before anyone can come and ruin their evening, she takes Jade’s hand and drags her onto the dance floor.   
“Uh you’re right going for it” Jade laughs while Perrie drags her to the dancefloor.  
The two dance completely free of any worries, just feeling the beat. When the DJ plays “Woman Like Me” the two scream at each other and look really excited. They are just enjoying the moment. After a few songs, Perrie heads to the bar to get another drink. She stands there waiting for the barkeeper to approach her, when Jade comes up behind her, putting her hands on Perrie’s hips and her head on Perrie’s shoulder. Perrie leans back a bit and smiles.  
“Jadey”  
“What are you getting us?”  
“Surprise, surprise” jokes Perrie, then she orders two vodka lemon for them.  
The two look around to see if they can sit down somewhere. Jade sees an empty chair, so she grabs Perrie’s hand and pulls her to the chair. She sits down and then pats her thighs, signaling Perrie to sit down.  
“Uh oh okay” Perrie grins and sits down onto Jade’s lap, trying not be too heavy.  
They enjoy their drinks and take a breath. Jade has her left arm around Perrie’s body and Perrie just looks around, when she suddenly feels Jade’s other hand on her thigh. She is a bit surprised and confused as how to interpret that, but she doesn’t react in any way, she just watches Jade slide her hand up and down her thigh a bit. When Jade’s hand slips dangerously close under her the skirt towards a certain body part, Perrie quickly stands up. She can’t take Jade teasing her like this any longer without getting really turned on and then she can’t guarantee any control.  
“Should we go back?” asks Perrie trying to cover her nervousness.  
“First we gotta do something else” Jade grins and takes Perrie’s hand to lead her outside.  
Perrie’s heart starts to race on the way outside, what does Jade want to do?  
Once they leave the club, Jade stops and turns around abruptly causing Perrie to walk into her.  
“Oh my gosh… sorry”   
Jade doesn’t even hear Perrie’s apology because she is too busy watching some other people close to them. She leans towards Perrie’s ear.  
“Wanna pop a pill?” first Jade bops her head in the direction of some guys standing there, presumably being dealers and then she grins at Perrie.  
Perrie is not even sure she heard correctly what Jade said, she just expected something completely different, but judging by Jade’s actions, she must have really asked this.  
“Jade?! Are you crazy?” says Perrie completely shocked.  
“Why? It could be fun!” says Jade rashly.  
“Well Jadey, I don’t know. We could get addicted or overdose or… also we don’t even know what’s really in there?!”  
Jade rolls her eyes “You really need to calm down. Nothing will happen, thousands of people take these. It’s just some fun”  
Perrie shakes her hand decisively “No I don’t think that’s a good idea. We can also have fun without it, Jade”   
Jade sighs “Can’t we just try it? Just stop overthinking for a moment, Perrie”  
Perrie looks at Jade “Let’s better not do that. Image what would happen if management found out..”  
Jade stumbles, running out of arguments ”But..”  
“Jadey, let’s be responsible… we already drank a lot and have never done that”  
Jade sighs and nods slightly “Yeah… I guess you are right”  
Perrie notices Jade being a bit disappointed, so she strokes her cheek a bit and then takes Jade’s hand to drag her back inside before she gets any other bad ideas. Back on the dancefloor, the girls dance and with each song Jade comes a bit closer to Perrie. At first it’s a slight touch of their hands, then she brushes Perrie’s arm, then she has her hands on Perrie’s hips and then she moves just a bit closer. When she is really close to Perrie, she turns around and grinds her butt against Perrie’s frontside. Perrie is a bit surprised at first, but then takes the message and places her hands on Jade’s hips and moves closer to Jade. Jade continues to grind on Perrie, then she stands up straight in front of Perrie again, grabs Perrie’s shoulders and turns her around, so that she is standing with her body right against Perrie’s backside. Jade pulls Perrie’s hair a bit back and leans in to whisper into Perrie’s ear.  
“You’re so smokin’ hot, Pez” she murmurs in between hot breathes into Perrie’s ear.  
A shiver runs down Perrie’s spine, wow that was bold, she thinks, but she just grins. When Jade sees the smile on Perrie’s face, she grins as well and goes to stand behind Perrie. She lets her hands roam over Perrie’s sides and breathes hot air into Perrie’s neck. Perrie gets the shivers as she feels Jade’s hot breath making the hair in her neck stand, Jade does this so on purpose and she knows exactly what she is doing, Perrie thinks. Perrie smirks thinking just about how much of a flirt Jade is being right now. To be exact, Jade doesn’t really know what she is doing. Well, she knows it and enjoys the flirting and grinding but she doesn’t realize what effect this actually has and to what this could lead to. Jade looks down at her hands and moves them down to Perrie’s thighs, so that she can make sure while sliding them up again to brush a bit over Perrie’s butt. Then she also puts her hands on Perrie’s stomach and craves with her fingernails over her stomach causing Perrie to get shivers once again. Perrie just closes her eyes at this point, ready to go with whatever Jade does next. Jade lets her hands wander down, touches Perrie’s bum a bit again before she grabs Perrie’s shoulders.   
“Whoops” whispers Jade and bites her lip.  
Perrie turns her head slightly to the side in order to see Jade, when she sees Jade biting her lip, it becomes extremely hard to contain herself.  
“Jade, what are you doing?”  
Jade grins “I don’t know”  
“Uh you know exactly what you are doing to me, Jade Thirlwall” Perrie smirks.  
Jade raises an eyebrow “I’m doing things to you?”  
Perrie laughs “Yes and you know that”  
“That’s right” Jade laughs and then turns Perrie around, so they are facing each other again.   
They dance a bit, then Perrie grabs Jade’s arm and drags her outside.  
“It’s so hot”  
“What?” Jade grins.  
Perrie rolls her eyes “In there”  
Perrie says something to Jade about Leigh and Jesy, but she can see that Jade isn’t actually listening. She can see and feel Jade staring at her cleavage.  
Perrie blushes “Jade! Are you staring at my boobs?”  
Jade giggles “No, I am not” then she looks seriously at Perrie “Yes, I totally am. You caught me” and start laughing again, together with Perrie.  
When two guys approach them with some bad pick up line and do the same, Jade quickly puts her hands protectively over Perrie’s cleavage to save her from their lingering gazes.  
“Fuck off!” Jade rolls her eyes, totally not feeling this right now. All she cares about and all that is in her head right now is Perrie, so she doesn’t even notice how rude and protectively she is being. Also it doesn’t bother Perrie at all, quite the opposite, she likes it.  
“What? Can’t two guys flirt with girls anymore?” says one of them defensively.  
“No, not if this is my girlfriend” says Jade, not only causing the guys’ eyes to almost fall out of their heads, but also Perrie’s.  
“And no, we’re not interested in a three- or foursome” adds Jade and then grabs Perrie’s hand to run away with her giggling.  
While Perrie follows Jade, she still thinks about Jade’s words “This is my girlfriend”, Jade’s girlfriend, that sounds so good, it is just like a sweet melody to her ears.  
When Perrie looks back and sees the two guys following them, she convinces Jade to leave in order to avoid any drama.  
Back in the taxi, Perrie leans against the window of the car, now on the ride she first notices how drunk she truly is. Jade watches Perrie, she bites her lip and grabs Perrie’s hand. Perrie looks at their intertangled hands and smiles. It is just a truly happy smile, enjoying the moment.   
Back in the flat, Jade looks at the ground, then at Perrie.  
“Do you wanna sleep in my room?”  
Perrie stands there speechless, so Jade tries to add an explanation to why that would be necessary.  
“Ehm in case someone breaks in…” then she laughs.  
“No, I just want you with me” she looks down shyly.  
Perrie’s heart almost skips a beat, what is Jade doing, it is honestly dangerous because Perrie is almost dead already because of what already happened earlier.   
“Ehm.. ehm.. yy-agh-… I mean… yeah… yes, yes”  
Jade laughs seeing Perrie stuttering like that.  
“I’m just quickly gonna change” Perrie turns around and is about to leave, when Jade grabs her wrist.  
“Not necessary” then she goes with Perrie into her room, turns Perrie around and unzips her dress.  
“Uhm okay… thanks” says Perrie lightheaded.  
Perrie turns around and looks at Jade, Jade quickly pushes her onto the bed and then slips out of her clothes as well.  
Perrie has already chosen the left side of the bed, so Jade gets in next to her. Perrie lies their excitedly waiting for what might happen next. She really tries to calm herself down ‘Jade just wants you to be here, nothing else. You’re totally overeating! Stop it and just sleep’  
“Good night, Jadey” Perrie looks at her and after Jade wishes her a good night as well, Perrie turns around so her back faces Jade.  
After a moment, Jade crawls hesitantly behind Perrie, so she is spooning her and starts caressing Perrie’s arm.  
“That feels good” whispers Perrie a bit tired and a bit drunk while having her eyes closed.  
“Yeah?” Jade whispers.  
“Hmmm” Perrie reassures quietly.  
Jade continues stroking Perrie’s arm, then she slowly touches Perrie’s stomach and runs her nails above Perrie’s skin.  
Perrie’s breath becomes unsteady as she feels Jade’s touch on her bare skin. Jade slips a bit closer and kisses Perrie’s neck, when she hears Perrie moaning in confirmation, Jade moves her hand up a bit, cupping Perrie’s breast through the bra.   
Perrie almost can’t believe what is happening. Is this really happening? This has to be a dream, right? Feeling Jade’s hand on her boobs reminds her that this is really happening. Still, it feels like a dream come true, she has fantasized about this so often and now this is really happening. Jade is touching and kissing her, only her. It feels great, she has been wishing for this to happen.   
Jade puts Perrie’s hair to the side so she has full access to the back of her neck and continues to kiss her skin. Perrie closes her eyes and shifts her head a bit in order to give Jade more space. When Jade nibbles on Perrie’s earlobe, Perrie can’t take it anymore and turns around to face Jade. The two look at each other for a moment, with lust in both of their eyes. They are lost for a moment in each other gazes and feel each other’s heavy breathes, when Jade slowly moves her hand on Perrie’s shoulder. She grabs the strap of Perrie’s bra and pulls it down to the side of Perrie’s shoulder very slowly, inch for inch. Perrie watches every movement of her exactly, Jade gives her the chance to stop her, but Perrie doesn’t. She just watches Jade’s hand move and Jade’s gaze on her and notices how her heart starts racing with each inch the strap moves in Jade’s fingers. When it is down, Jade bites her lip and then does the same thing to the other strap. Then she looks Perrie in the eyes.  
“Can I?”  
Perrie nods heavily.  
Jade reaches behind Perrie’s back and unclasps Perrie’s bra. She lets sink down slowly and when it is off Perrie, she takes a moment to take in the view of the beautiful body in front of her. Perrie is about to start feeling nervous because Jade just stares at her and does nothing, but before she can feel uncomfortable about herself, Jade already leans in and kisses her on the lips. When both of their lips connect, all of the worries, fears, bad thoughts and nervousness is forgotten. It is just Jade and Perrie, and their love, or whatever this is right now, in the moment. Once they get into a steady rhythm, Jade slips her tongue on Perrie’s bottom lip, Perrie opens her mouth slightly and lets Jade explore her mouth. Their kissing gets heavier and heavier, until Jade lets go of Perrie for a second. She pulls the shirt she is wearing over her head and throws it on the ground, she also grabs Perrie’s bra that is still lying on the bed and throws it out of their way, then she pushes Perrie back again and sits on her thighs. Jade leans back in and their make out session continues. Jade also puts her hands on Perrie’s chest and starts to massage Perrie’s breasts. Perrie’s breathing enhances and Jade slips a bit down to kiss Perrie’s neck so that Perrie can get more air to breathe. Jade sucks on exactly the right spots to make Perrie moan and she has to grin hearing the reaction she gets out of Perrie. While Jade makes sure to leave some spots on Perrie’s neck, not thinking about tomorrow right now, Perrie lets her hands roam over Jade’s back. She gets to grab the clasp of Jade’s bra, she also undoes it and throws Jade’s bra right on the ground to the other more than unnecessary fabric.   
Perrie closes her eyes when she feels Jade moving down and kissing her breasts. After a moment, Jade looks up when she sees Perrie biting her lip, she smirks.  
“You’re so sexy”  
Perrie puts her arms around Jade and pulls closer again, Jade sits on her lap, so she lets her hands wander down until they’re on Jade’s butt. Perrie squeezes her butt, which surprises Jade a bit, as Perrie has been pretty passive until now, but it really turns her on.  
Also Jade lets her hand move down on Perrie’s body until it is at the waistband of Perrie’s panties. She tugs a bit at it and then lets her hand slip in. Perrie moans immediately when she feels Jade’s hand touching her core.  
“Jade…”   
“You’re so wet” whispers Jade and continues touching Perrie.  
Quickly later, Jade gets rid of Perrie’s panties and lets her fingers do the magic.  
Perrie is just lost in clouds of lust, feeling Jade’s fingers sliding in her and Jade’s mouth all over her body. It is the first time for her with a woman and it is so relieving, not only because it is with Jade, her love, but also because it is just great. When she had sex with guys in the past, it was just mediocre for her, at best, it hurt and just didn’t give her the hoped pleasure. After her first time she thought that it was just due to the inexperience and nerves, but as time went on and she still never even had an orgasm during sex, she was disappointed to put it lightly. She thought, that this couldn’t be it, this couldn’t be the thing everybody was going crazy about, something had to be wrong with her. It turns out, there was nothing wrong with her, but with the person she was being together with, namely that is were men. It is just so exciting and relieving to finally experience all the pleasure and excitement everyone is always talking about.  
After Perrie comes down from her high, she looks at Jade and turns the two of them around so she is on top.  
Also this is a new experience for her, normally after a bit her partner came and then laid next to her going to sleep, not even caring about her pleasure. But Jade put all of her attention on Perrie and made sure that she was enjoying it and coming, so now it was time to give back to Jade.  
She helps Jade get out of her panties and then starts touching Jade slowly. She is immediately turned on herself again when she feels the heat and wetness between Jade’s legs. She doesn’t hesitate to go full in to give Jade pleasure while having her lips on Jade’s lips. She can feel Jade’s heavy breathes into her mouth which reassure her with what she is doing.  
“So good” she hears Jade moaning between their kisses and continues to pleasure Jade.  
“Perrie, I’m close” breathes Jade having her head leaned back and eyes closed.  
Perrie looks up from kissing Jade’s upper body, she leans a bit forward, kisses Jade again and bites Jade’s bottom lip while she moves away to look at Jade. She puts a finger underneath Jade’s chin.  
“Look at me, Jade”  
When Perrie pauses the movement of her hand, Jade opens her eyes and looks Perrie. Perrie makes sure to catch the glance of Jade and then continues rubbing Jade’s clit.  
This time Jade manages to keep her eyes open and is captured in Perrie’s eyes, getting lost in the gleaming eyes of the blonde, until her orgasm overcomes her and she digs her fingers into Perrie’s back while still not losing her eye contact with Perrie.  
When Jade is able to breathe again, she can’t quite believe what just happened. This might have been one of the most intimate and arousing experiences she has every had. Yes, she was drunk, but it was not only the alcohol that made her feel all this pleasure and made her getting lost in Perrie’s beautiful eyes. Also the fact that she knows this exactly, will scare her the most once she wakes up sober and completely aware of what happened the next morning. Right now it is still the heat of the moment that prevents her from panicking, so she grabs Perrie’s arm and pulls it around her waist while she turns on her side.   
Perrie is just completely happy, there is nothing in the world that she misses right now, it is just herself and Jade, together, being completely satisfied and worriless. Smiling content, she moves closer to Jade from behind, and lets Jade take her hand while her arm is around Jade’s still flaming hot body.  
Cuddling, full of happiness, satisfaction, fulfilment and love they fall asleep, not aware of anything that might follow.  
*The next morning*  
Dean is out for some running, so Jesy thinks that it would be a nice surprise to bake some waffles for them two. She searches in every spot in the kitchen and through every other cabinet that her waffle maker could be in. Suddenly it hits her- it is still in her old room, she put it in the corner behind the TV. Normally she wouldn’t go to Perrie’s on a Sunday but because she already has the batter finished, it would be a waste to throw it away, also she really wants her waffles now, therefore, she decides to quickly drop by.  
She rings the bell two times but no one answers. ‘They must be out’ she thinks and grabs the key she still has and unlocks the door. Destined she walks down the hallway, as she passes Perrie’s room she sees the door standing open and no blinds down, so she concludes that they indeed must be out. Consequently, she doesn’t even hesitate to walk into Jade’s aka her old room. She opens the door and is more than surprised to find it pitch black. She also hears some breathing and the air is really sticky, so she concludes that Jade must be still sleeping. Weird that Perrie is up before Jade, she thinks, but maybe Jade also got sick on the way home. She doesn’t want to wake Jade up, so she just turns on the flashlight of her phone to find the waffle maker. She walks into the room and immediately steps on some clothes. She hisses internally at the mess Jade made but continues to walk. She also quickly shines the light on the bed and sees Jade peacefully sleeping, well she just sees Jade’s hair but doesn’t bother to look any closer. She walks further and shines the light on the ground again as she noticed that the room is a mess. On her way to the TV she sees a bra and panties on the ground and then a second pair of panties. At first she doesn’t think much of it, maybe Jade just throws all of her clothes on the ground and doesn’t do the laundry at all or maybe she was just not able to put it away properly yesterday, which wouldn’t be surprising. As she reaches the table the TV stands on, she tries to be as quiet as possible while trying to grab the waffle maker, but it is really narrow. Therefore, she goes to the other side of the TV and decides to try grabbing it from the other side in order to not make any noise. On her way there, she notices a second bra on the ground. She has already looked away again, when it suddenly hits her and she takes a look at the laundry for the second time. ‘Wait a moment’ she thinks, ‘isn’t this Perrie’s bra?!’. She can still remember how proudly Perrie showed it to her after she bought it at Victoria’s Secret in Paris during their small shopping tour. She raises an eyebrow and then turns around to shine a light on the ground where the second pair of panties was, just to make sure she didn’t imagine that. Processing that, she shines the light back to the bed, very slowly and unsure if she really wants to see what she thinks she will see. Now as she is standing on the short side of the bed, she can see that Jade indeed is not alone in bed. Looking closer, she can see an arm around her body holding her and then she can see some blonde hair. She takes a step closer just to make sure, because there is so much hair and so much naked skin. Now she sees without a doubt that the second person in the bed is Perrie, she shines the light on all of the clothes again, including the underwear on the ground and then back at the bed. Her mouth is standing wide open, she can’t trust her eyes. Even though she can’t see for sure whether they are really naked because they are securely under the covers, she just has to count 1 and 1 together seeing all of the clothes on the ground and not seeing any straps or fabric from t shirts on them. She stands there for a moment frozen and then she becomes really uncomfortable feeling like she is seeing something that she definitely isn’t supposed to see, she quickly grabs the waffle iron and heads out of the room as quickly as possible. On the outside, after she closed the door, she feels like can take a breath again for the first time. She stands there completely confused, frowning and her mouth half open, ‘really’ she thinks, going through everything she has just taken in one more time. She shakes her head, she just can’t believe it. She knows exactly that this doesn’t mean any good and even though it was for sure not her business to see this, she can’t forget this or make this unseen, therefore she will watch those two closely tomorrow at work and eventually confront them, if she gets the opportunity.   
An hour after Jesy has left, Jade wakes up. For a moment she just lies there and with time, as her body and brain start to work again, she gets an increasingly bad feeling. The first thing she sees is Perrie’s arm around her, then the bad feeling gets even worse as some memories of last night creep back into her mind. She bites her lip and pulls up the blanket in slow motion, just to reassure. When she confirms her fear, she closes her eyes and sighs. She sits up a bit, trying not to wake up Perrie. She looks a bit around, feeling numb, sick and dizzy all at the same as she sees all of the clothes on the floor and all the memories flood back into her mind. ‘No, this can’t be real!’ ‘She can’t have slept with Perrie’ ‘No, No, No’ the thoughts race through her head. She pleads that this is just a bad dream, but it isn’t and now she has to face consequences. Well not now, she decides and quickly grabs some clothes. Then she rushes out of the room and a bit later out of the house.   
When Perrie wakes up later, she moves her arm and is surprised to find nothing but emptiness next to her. She opens her eyes slowly and is disappointed to be not met by Jade’s beautiful face but messy white sheets, empty sheets. She decides to stay a bit in bed, lying there, thinking about last night. She can’t suppress a smile. This is all she has ever dreamt of, just that her love is not there for her to wake up. She starts to get weird feelings, but calms herself down, telling herself that Jade is maybe just taking a shower and didn’t want to wake her up or maybe she is making breakfast for them.  
It turns out, Jade is doing neither of those things.


	20. 20- Tomorrow comes

Chapter 20- Tomorrow comes  
Perrie stays in bed for another 30 minutes, waiting desperately to hear something from Jade, in vain. At some point she decides to get up and eat something, maybe Jade left a note and she had to do something urgent, she tries to comfort herself. She needs to, in order to not break down in tears.  
No, Jade didn’t leave a note either.  
When Perrie sees nothing but an empty flat, she also feels empty. She wants to throw up, but manages to come up with another excuse, ‘well maybe I’m just completely overreacting and this doesn’t actually mean anything, Jade will come back any time and everything will be alright’. Perrie hesitantly makes herself a toast, but can’t swallow more than a single bite. The next 10 minutes she just sits there sunk down on the chair and debates whether to text Jade or not. She decides not to, she doesn’t want to appear clingy, maybe this was really just a one night stand to Jade, even though she could’ve sworn that she saw something in Jade’s eyes as well. But if she acts all lovey-dovey now, she will only annoy Jade and scare her away, she can’t do that. On the other hand, neither will she be able to pretend like nothing happened once she faces Jade again, but that’s something to worry about when that moment will actually come. For now, Perrie just sits there, deeply disappointed, this is just nothing like she would’ve imagined the morning after. It sounds cheesy and childish, but she just expected something.. more, that Jade and her would be.. well… she doesn’t know, but this just not what she hoped for, like at all. And it is frustrating even though she knows she doesn’t even have a reason to expect more from Jade. At the same time, she feels childish and stupid, like a love sick teenage, she is embarrassed of herself. Eventually she manages to get up, clean the kitchen, change in some joggers, take a shower and also grab her stuff out of Jade’s room. When she stands in the doorframe, the scene plays in her head again: How Jade pushed her on the bed, how she unclasped her bra, how she kissed her, how she touched her, how she looked at her… she shakes her head. She has to stop thinking about this now or she will go down with it.   
She takes a book and sits on the couch, luckily she gets lost with it, so that she is more than surprised to finish the book and see that it is already 6 o’clock and Jade is still not home. She sighs, clueless what to do, the knot in her stomach returning. She decides to text Leigh to ask if Jade is maybe at hers, maybe she forgot something yesterday and then they got lost in a conversation when she picked it up. It seems unlikely but Perrie has to cling to a small hope like this, in order not to go insane.  
Perrie: Hey Leigh, is Jade at yours? -Pez x  
Leigh: Hey babe, nah sorrey… haven’t seen her since yesterday..  
Perrie looks at the message and can feel how her heart drops even lower, now she can’t think of any more possible explanations for Jade’s disappearance.   
At some point she must have turned on the TV and managed to distract herself because she actually can’t remember how the last hours passed, when suddenly the door swings open and Jade walks in.  
Jade looks at Perrie, when Perrie impulsively sits up straight and looks at her hopeful and worried, Jade looks at Perrie even more surprised and speechless.  
Perrie stares at Jade and Jade stares at Perrie, they just look at each other without saying a single word.  
Eventually, Jade manages to get some words out of her mouth.  
“Hey…”  
“Hey” Perrie answers.  
When Jade is about to go away, Perrie quickly speaks up again.  
“Where have you been?”  
“Ah.. just a bit outside” she says vaguely.  
Perrie doesn’t even care to ask about more details because it is really not what has been bothering her the most and what she truly wants to know.  
Perrie simply nods a bit and Jade starts to walk again when Perrie speaks up hesitantly.  
“Ehm… about last night…”  
Before Perrie can say anything more, Jade shakes her head “Don’t worry Perrie. Let’s just forget it… we were just drunk and yea… nothing special really…” she tries to brush it off.  
Perrie pulls one side of her lip up and nods aggressively. ‘Nothing special’ she thinks, internally becoming upset. She is indecisive whether to be sad, disappointed or feel stupid. Well, she decides to become angry. She feels the heat rising in her body, so she says the next words coldly.  
“Of course Jade, if you say so.”  
Jade looks at Perrie a moment and then nods in agreement, before she goes away.  
After Jade left, Perrie sits on the couch, having wild thoughts and conversations in her head. She plays through all the versions this talk could’ve gone like and thinks of so many alternative things she wished she would have said to Jade instead. She hisses at herself for her weak response. Out of all the things she could’ve said, all that she could come up with was “Of course, if you say so”, that was honestly weak.   
While Perrie is busy thinking, Jade goes back into her room, she finds only her clothes lying on the ground and the side Perrie has slept on is neatly made. Merely her side of the bed is messy and her clothes are lying on the ground. Suddenly, the room feels really empty. As she stands there looking, the picture of Perrie’s beautiful blue eyes looking into her eyes, shining in nothing but the moonlight, comes back into her mind. She sees Perrie’s captivating gaze in front of her, then shakes her head and throws herself on the bed.  
The next morning, the two get up and eat breakfast together, without saying a single word. Well except for ‘Good morning’. In this moment, Jade regrets her driving ban, because the entire ride was so uncomfortable. It was silent and cold. When Jade turned on the radio, Perrie immediately turned it off again without saying a single word and the two just sat there in silence, looking at nothing but the road in front of them.  
The two walk into the conference room, not giggling next to each other like they used to, but with empty faces behind each other. Jesy and Leigh-Anne look up, greeting them.   
Jesy notices right away that something is off, but she is also certain to know what it is. As Leigh-Anne doesn’t have the same information, it takes her one more question in order to arrive at the same conclusion.  
“So how was the rest of your weekend?” she asks curiously.  
“Good” say both of them in a neutral tone, in syn.  
Perrie shakes her head and laughs annoyed when Jade spoke with her, causing Jade to give her a questioning look. But Perrie just continues to look down at her phone, then there is silence.  
The four have a meeting, then they have a break before they have costume fitting for the Woman Like Me Music Video.   
In the break, Jade can’t stand the tension anymore and stands up.  
“Excuse me” she says and gets up to leave the room.  
Jesy looks after her and doesn’t want to miss this chance, so she gets up and follows Jade without saying a word. Leigh-Anne just continues texting with Jordan while having a smirk on her face, but Perrie looks up for a moment looking after Jesy.  
Jade leaves the building and once outside, she stands there. When she puts her hands into the pockets of her jacket, she feels her box of cigarettes and suddenly has an extreme crave. She doesn’t hesitate any longer and lights up a cigarette. She can’t even take more than two pulls, when someone grabs the cigarette out of her mouth and throws it on the ground.  
“What the hell?” Jade protests.  
Jesy looks at her intruding “I could ask you the same”  
Jade rolls her eyes and opens her box again to grab a new cigarette, not having any of this right now.  
Jesy quickly takes the box of cigarettes out of Jade’s hands and puts it into her own pocket.  
“HEY?” Jade tries to take the box back but Jesy won’t even discuss with her.  
“You can cut it for a moment and listen to me!”   
When Jade starts to calm down a bit and looks at Jesy, ready to listen, Jesy continues.  
“Okay, fine. Why did you do it?”  
Jade raises an eyebrow “What do you mean?”  
Jesy shakes her head rolling her eyes “You know exactly what I refer to!”  
“No, actually I don’t” Jade shrugs.  
“Well then tell me what is going on between you and Perrie” Jesy challenges her.  
Jade looks down and says quickly “Well we’re both on our period, a bit of mood fluctuations, nothing more”  
Jesy rolls her eyes annoyed “Crap! I saw you, Jade! So don’t tell me this shit”  
Jade scoffs “I don’t know what you think to interpret into that little kiss, but we were just drunk and playing around!”  
Jesy takes a step closer in order to say the following not so loud that anyone could hear “No, I don’t mean that. I saw you yesterday morning in bed… naked… I came to get my waffle iron when I found you two…”   
Jade already stopped listening after naked, her head is just spinning right now. She can’t even form a sentence, she wants to scream at Jesy for intruding their privacy but that wouldn’t change anything, so she just stutters.  
“What?!... I… we didn’t… ehm… nothing… it’s..”  
Jesy shakes her head “What do you want to say, Jade?”  
Jade tries to collect herself “It didn’t mean anything… we were just drunk”  
Jesy raises an eyebrow “So you two did have sex?”  
Jade sighs, ‘Great you just revealed it by yourself, can’t you for once think before you talk or act?’ she thinks.  
“Ehm I didn’t say that”  
Jesy gives Jade a look and eventually Jade gives in, realizing that it is too late to back out anyways “Yes… we… slept together”   
Jesy shakes her head, even though she knew it already, it still doesn’t feel great to hear that. She looks at Jade “And?”  
Now Jade starts to become annoyed “And? What else do you want to hear! I told already way too much”  
Jesy looks at Jade who tries to avoid her eye contact “Don’t play stupid, Jade”  
Jade puts up her hands “I don’t know what you want from me. It literally meant nothing”  
Jesy frowns, is Jade just fucking with her or does she seriously not know about Perrie’s feelings “Are you sure about that?”  
Jade quickly looks up and says more or less convincing “Yes!”  
Jesy sighs, pausing a moment and then looking back at Jade “Well… good for you. But I don’t think Perrie feels the same way”  
Now Jade raises an eyebrow “What do you mean?”  
Jesy eyes her “Are you serious right now?”  
Jade just shrugs unknowingly, so Jesy eventually opens up, she doesn’t want to expose Perrie because that’s none of her business, but she has to fix this right now, at least a bit.  
“Perrie might have some feelings for you… so yeah, I don’t think that it will be just a drunken accident for her”  
Jade’s eyes become really big and her mouth goes dry, she looks at Jesy speechless. When Jesy won’t stop giving her accusing gazes, she looks down, she doesn’t even know what to say. She should be shocked or surprised, but she isn’t. Deep down, she had a certain feeling already. She just had to look at Perrie’s eyes, not just in that night, but in general. To be honest, she didn’t really notice it before hat night, but during their… encounter she could definitely tell. Until now she has successfully tried to avoid any of those thoughts and consequences and those feelings, but now that Jesy has opened her eyes, she has to deal with it. Suddenly it is like she can see for the first time and she can see all the love that Perrie has given to her during the last weeks, the loving words, her gaze, her touches, it was more than just friendship. The disappointed gaze when she talked about dating, suddenly everything makes sense and she can see it easily, even though all of this time she didn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it. But now, she feels guilty, extremely guilty and bad.  
Jade doesn’t know what to say, so she rambles for a moment but when she can’t think of anything smart to say, she just remains quiet.  
Jesy looks at her, she doesn’t have any sympathy for Jade right now. Jade just makes is extremely easy for herself, she used and played with Perrie without thinking just one second about the consequences and implications, and now that tomorrow is there, she plays stupid pretending that nothing has happened and stabs Perrie right in the heart with this. She didn’t think about anything but herself, just about her own lust and not about what this might mean to Perrie. Therefore, now Jade also has to face the consequences, she is an adult and knows well that things like that have consequences. Sleeping with friends is never a good idea especially when they are in a situation like this, so she doesn’t have to play stupid now and turn away because this might be an easy way out.   
“Well Jade, let me tell you one thing: Deal with it! Fix it! I don’t know how, but you have to! There is no easy way out, but maybe you should’ve thought about that before you sticked your fingers into her!”  
And with those harsh words she leaves, she takes two steps and then stops to turn around one more time.  
“Just make sure to not hurt Perrie anymore, you have already caused enough damage! Also take these, I don’t care, ruin your health, you might need it!” she stuffs the box of cigarettes back into Jade’s pocket and then walks away.  
Jade just stands there, silent. She has nothing to say, also her head is just completely blank for a moment, it is just like she has a black out during an exam or has been checkmated. She needs a minute in order to start to function again, until she can feel her heart beating, her blood flowing through her veins and thoughts popping back into her mind. Unfortunately, the thought process doesn’t function as effectively as she wishes and she can’t think of any possible way to fix this right now. Also there are still her own feelings which she needs to figure out. She is still optimistically trying to convince herself that this actually meant nothing to her and she doesn’t feel anything for Perrie, she just can’t. Looking at her options and the damage she has already caused, she thinks that it might be the best for now, to get some distance and some air to breathe. As the distancing didn’t work as well so far, she decides to get herself some distraction, so that she can move on from those thoughts or feelings, or whatever this is. And hopefully also Perrie can eventually. Followingly, she picks out her phone and opens Pete’s contact. So much for not causing any more damage.  
Jade: Hello Pete, would you be up for a coffee this week? Best, Jade  
A bit later, after she has grabbed some courage, she slowly walks back into the building. Slowly and self-conscious because now she has to face reality again. Before she enters the room, her phone vibrates.  
Pete: Hey Jade, I’d love to! How about tmrw?  
Jade quickly types ‘Yes’ and then puts her phone back into her pocket, she takes a last deep breath and then returns. While walking back to her space on the couch, Perrie doesn’t even look at her. She takes a seat next to Leigh-Anne.  
“Damn it Jade, you smell like smoke!” she looks at her disgusted.  
Jade just rolls her eyes.  
The rest of day went normally, well as normal as possible. Jade and Perrie only interacted when it was necessary and when they did, it was purely professional. Then they drove home, again in total silence and now they are sitting at the dinner table, when Perrie gets up.  
“You know what, I’m not hungry. You can eat it by yourself” she says and is about to leave.  
“Wait Perrie” she says desperately.  
Perrie turns around to look at her, not saying anything.  
“Ehm…” Jade stumbles “You need to eat something”  
Perrie rolls her eyes and then continues to leave.  
“Perrie!” Jade calls her one more time, making Perrie stop again.  
She turns around and looks at Jade expecting.  
“Ehm… I…” she stutters, when she doesn’t seem to say anything meaningful in the next moment, Perrie walks away.  
When she is almost out of the room, Jade finally gets some words out of her mouth.  
“I think we should talk about… you know… that night”  
Perrie scoffs and looks at Jade “Everything has been said. It didn’t mean anything. End of the story” then she leaves finally.  
The next day, the girls are in the dining hall to eat some lunch, when Pete approaches Jade.   
“Hey Jade, about later.. Should I pick you up at 6?” he smiles friendly.  
Perrie’s fork falls out of her hand causing the group to look at her, but then the attention is back at Jade and Pete.  
“Yeah sure, that works” she smiles lightly.  
After Pete is gone, Jade cautiously looks at Perrie, but she can’t make anything out of her facial expression. Is she angry? Is she sad? Is she disappointed? She can’t tell and that scares her the most.   
Leigh-Anne and Jesy give each other a look.  
Later that evening, Perrie sits on the couch when Jade walks in the direction of the door, dressed up.  
She looks at Perrie, bites on her bottom lip and speaks up “Ehm… I’m gonna go now”  
Perrie looks up, smiles and says “Okay. Have fun!”  
This surprises Jade even more, she frowns and thanks Perrie, then she leaves.  
After Perrie is sure that Jade is gone, she pauses the movie playing, violently throws the remote away from her and starts sobbing. Both out of frustration and sadness. She just doesn’t know what to do, it seems wrong to punish Jade just because she doesn’t reciprocate her feelings, but she also can’t just pretend that nothing happened. Also she wasn’t the one initiating it, so why would Jade do that in the first place? Just so many questions she can’t answer, therefore after no tears are left to cry and her mood calmed down a bit, she grabs a bottle of wine and drinks a few glasses until she finally falls asleep, making the war in her mind stop.  
Jade comes back late that night. It was a lovely evening with Pete, but she just couldn’t keep her mind off of Perrie. She can’t even recall what they talked about, even though they were out for like 5 hours, but she just couldn’t focus on the here and now. She feels a bit bad, because Pete is really nice and she feels like she is just using him and playing him and that seems unfair, but she just can’t think of a better idea right now.   
Jade unlocks the front door and enters the living room, when she gets in and looks to the side, she has to smile. Perrie lies on the couch, sleeping lovingly. She looks so peaceful and beautiful. When she gets closer and sees tissues with black make up stains on, she feels a knot forming in her stomach, was Perrie crying because of her? She feels like she destroys everything and everyone around her. She screws up every relationship that she has with everyone that actually cares for her. And no matter what she does, it is just always the wrong thing. She notices how her head starts to play an old game with her.  
“You are worthless” “You are disgusting” she can hear Jed again in her head.  
She starts tearing up, but still decides to get Perrie back into her bed. She carries Perrie bridal style into her bedroom. On the way Perrie doesn’t wake up fully, she just subconsciously pulls her arm around the warm body that carries her and thinks she can hear some sobs, but maybe she dreams that as well. Once Perrie is in bed, Jade neatly tucks the blanket over her and gives her a kiss on the forehead.  
Perrie mumbles half asleep “Night Jadey…” and then she whispers something very unclearly and sleepy, but Jade could swear that she heard her saying “I love you”  
Jade puts a tired smile on her face and whispers “I love you too, Perrie” but by the time those words have left her lips, Perrie is already sound asleep again. Jade watches her for another moment and sighs, she can’t fall for her best friend, she can’t be gay or whatever. Also she would eventually screw up their relationship like she did with all of her past relationships and then the other girls, the management, the fans and everyone around her would hate her and she will have no one left. Also her family wouldn’t accept this, they are quite traditional and come from an Arabic background, things like being gay just aren’t an option for her. Even though Jade is always very supportive of everyone around her and encourages the fans to be themselves, she can’t even be herself herself. She feels like a hypocrite, but that’s just how things are for her, life ain’t always easy, things don’t always go your way. And there is no way she would allow herself to destroy everything she has, she should be lucky for what she has: A great career, friends, family, money, success… you just can’t have everything. She just can’t come to terms with this part of her, she never could, therefore this is just how it is right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay we hit 1k clicks. Thanks to everyone reading and supporting this fic, this means a lot to me. I really put a lot of work and thought into this fic even though I am really busy right now writing my Bachelor's thesis and so on. Still, writing this is such a pleasure and great experience to me, which i am really grateful to be able to share with you guys, so thanks for reading and appreciating my work. Let's go celebrate my first thousand with some kudos!


	21. 21- Hope(less)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things are going a bit wild in this chapter, but things aren't always easy and it just takes time sometimes. Also sorry to everyone who hoped for a quick Jerrie reunion, it is not happening yet... but we'll get there. Thanks to everyone reading <3

The next days pass similarly. The girls eat breakfast together, in silence, drive to work, quietly, spend the day, not talking a word to each other. Perrie doesn’t speak to Jade because she is hurt and angry and Jade doesn’t speak to Perrie because she is confused and doesn’t know what to say. It is weird how this silence creates a wall between them so quickly and all the intimacy between them of the past months seems to be gone. Just like this, all the love and friendship between them broke down and disappeared. Also the distance and silence breeds just more anger between the two of them, you would think that eventually the grudge would disappear, but quite the opposite, they seem to distance and alienate more with every hour that passes without talking. And right now no one seems to initiate a conversation, so where could this possibly lead to?  
On the weekend, Jade has another date with Pete, he wants her to go home with him, but she is just so uncomfortable all of the sudden even though this was originally what she wanted. She wanted distraction, but it isn’t working, at least not yet and at least not with Pete. Every time she is with Pete, she just looks at him and looks at his not blue and gleaming eyes, at his not freckly skin, at his so much smaller and less attractive lips and at his so much bigger and unappealing body. It is hard to concentrate on the things he even has to offer, for example he has a cute smile and is funny, well but not as funny as Perrie, also his smile is not nearly as infective as Perrie’s. She sighs, she stares at him but just can’t concentrate on him at all because all her mind and body want is Perrie. And the more she wants not to think of her, the more her mind decides to think of her, ridiculous. So when Pete kissed her and asked her to go to his place, she just had to invent something because no, she couldn’t do it with someone else yet. But the worst part was that Pete wasn’t even angry or disappointed, quite the opposite, he apologized and felt really bad that he made Jade uncomfortable and said that he would totally understand it and be happy to give her all the time she needs. He is just way too nice, she doesn’t even deserve him in her opinion. And here she goes again, using everyone who is nice and supportive of her and destroying the relationships with them.  
She thinks, maybe some other circumstances would lower her inhibitions and would make her more self-confident. What seems to be better than a bit of drinking then? Like someone could read her thoughts, the team is actually throwing a party the next day because they finished the Woman Like Me music video, which turned out amazing by the way.  
There they are, the four of them each having a cup in their hand and lots of other people. Only an hour into this and Perrie is already annoyed, she sits at the back of the room with Leigh-Anne and leans toward her.  
“I thought this would be only us and the team?!”  
Leigh shrugs annoyed “Well it turns out it isn’t”  
Perrie rolls her eyes watching some people she has never seen before in her life laughing loudly “Yeah, I can see that”  
Now it has been one week in which Perrie and Jade haven’t spoken to each other, also Leigh didn’t fail to notice the tension between them, even though she is usually the last to notice when something is wrong, but this, also she couldn’t miss.  
“Hey Pez, can I ask you something?”  
Perrie looks at Leigh “Yea sure, maybe it will distract me from this horrible party”  
Leigh laughs shortly, then turns serious “What is going on between Jade and you?”  
Perrie immediately becomes nervous, Leigh doesn’t know, does she? She suddenly feels very exposed and vulnerable, like she is sitting there naked, carefully having to watch everything that she says, fearing to not give anything away.  
“Ehm nothing really, we just had a lil fight…”  
Leigh nods, she can hear by Perrie’s voice that it must bother her very much “Really? What was it about?”  
Perrie bites her bottom lip “Don’t get me wrong, Leigh… but I don’t really wanna talk about it” then she looks at Jade who is talking to Pete on the other side of the room.  
Leigh watches her sad gaze and then suddenly an idea pops into her mind “I think I know what this is about”  
When Perrie notices how Leigh caught her glance, her palms get really sweaty and she is ready to storm off and throw up, but she asks cautiously.  
“Ehm you do?”  
Leigh puts on a sympathetic smile “Is it about Pete?”  
Perrie’s leg starts bouncing and she feels like Leigh is about to expose her, her heart beats even faster and she feels really dizzy as Leigh goes on.  
“You like him too, right?”  
And with that a rush of relief comes over her. Normally she would be offended and look at her disgusted while saying something like ‘Are you out of your mind Leigh’, but right now this feels like a valid excuse and an easy way out, so she nods slightly.  
Leigh puts an arm around Perrie and gives her a quick hug “Oh no… don’t be sad Perrie, there is also someone really great waiting for you. And I bet he has way better hair than Pete”  
Perrie has to laugh, then the two look at him in silence. And it is actually the first time she really inspects him and she has to say, Leigh is right. His hair is not really great.  
Jesy stands by the counter talking to Claude and a few other of the dancers, this time she has a lot more fun. She is taking a shot, when she notices how Pete walks away and Jade stands there swaying around. Jade looks bored and drunk, she can see Jade’s eyes wandering around like she is searching for potential prey, then she sees a change in Jade’s face. She looks the same direction that Jade’s gaze goes and sees a really big guy. A lot bigger and muscular than Pete. Pete is more of a cutie but this is a real bad boy, she thinks. Usually Jade always goes with them nice boys, so where is this supposed to go? She can see them exchange glances when he approaches her. Jade doesn’t hesitate long to put her hands on him, neither does he. She shakes her head a bit seeing Jade acting this way. Pete is not even 5 minutes gone and she already has her hands on someone else.  
A few minutes later, she hears a bottle crash. Even though there is a lot of noise, she doesn’t miss that sound. She looks to her left and sees Pete standing there appalled. His hand is still open and the broken pieces of his beer bottle are on the ground. She can see how Jade quickly pulled her arms away from around that guy’s neck and looks just as astounded at Pete.  
Pete shakes his head in anger “Fucking slut” and then he storms away.  
Normally Jesy would have followed him and punched him in the face for calling Jade that, but right now she is just as surprised about Jade’s behavior as he probably is. Also she would have never guessed by his friendly face that Pete even has those terms in his vocabulary, but she can’t blame him right now. She can see Jade following Pete a few steps and calling his name, but he doesn’t stop, so she quickly goes back to the guy. Jesy is in shock, she shakes her head and turns back to the people she is with.  
After a while, Perrie and Leigh-Anne pat on Jesy’s shoulder.  
“Hey, we’re gonna go” Leigh says tiredly.  
Jesy tries to convince them to stay, but there is no chance, she simply nods and wishes them a good night. When they are gone, she looks to her left, but she can’t see Jade. Scanning the room further, she can’t find Jade nor the guy she was with. She raises an eyebrow, she doesn’t even want to know where there are, doing who knows what.   
Jesy is really lost in her conversation with the others, when she hears a murmuring going through the crowd which is followed by people shouting “Strip” in sync.   
Jesy turns to find the source of the sensation and is once again met by shock. She is met by Jade in her bra, twirling around her top and six or seven guys standing around her, clapping and shouting. No, this isn’t and can’t be happening. She jumps up and walks determined in Jade’s direction. Once she has fought her way through the crowd hovering around Jade, she grabs her arm harshly and takes her shirt out of her hand. She puts herself protectively in front of Jade to block the hungry gazes of those men. Then she pulls Jade behind her to the exit even though the guys boo at her. Her grip is strong because she can feel Jade’s wobbly steps, but they can’t pause now. Once they are in front of the door, she gives Jade her shirt and looks at her alarmingly.  
“Put that on!”  
Jade does so, being a bit intimidated by Jesy.  
Then Jesy gets their jackets and pulls Jade outside. She grabs her phone to order an uber and while they stand there waiting, Jade first starts to register what happened. Everything just went too quickly and her alcohol intoxicated mind took a bit longer to process everything anyways, so now she comes to realize where she is and what happened, for the first time.  
“Why did you do that?”  
Jesy scoffs, she is furious “Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you even have an idea what you were doing?”  
Jade shrugs “I was having fun”  
“No, you were putting yourself on display. Have some respect for yourself. It makes me sick to see you like this!” Jesy shakes her head.  
“You’re overreacting”  
Jesy puts her hands on her head, not being able to believe this “Jade, honestly… who are you?”  
Jade rolls her eyes, looking away. She doesn’t think long about any of Jesy’s words, but if she did, she couldn’t answer this question as well because this isn’t her and she couldn’t tell what and why she was doing this.  
“What was this even about? Is this about the whole Perrie drama? And what about Pete? He actually seemed nice but now you fucked that up as well”  
Jade punches against the wall “Well thanks for reminding me, as if I don’t already know that”  
Jesy sighs, calming down a bit “Jade… I just don’t know what to say”  
Jade shrugs indifferent “Well then don’t” then she pulls out another cigarette.  
This time, Jesy doesn’t stop her, she just feels so lost. It’s like she doesn’t even know Jade is anymore, she seems like she has lost herself. She seems like a completely different person, who doesn’t care for herself and anyone around her. She takes a step back to avoid the smoke and once the uber arrives they get in the car.  
Jade just looks outside the window and Jesy watches Jade the entire ride, then she notices that Jade’s trouser button is open and her bra straps are twisted.  
She doesn’t even want to ask, but can’t keep it to herself, so she hesitantly clears her throat. When Jade looks at her, Jesy raises an eyebrow.  
“Ehm Jade where were you by the way? When Perrie and Leigh left I couldn’t see you nowhere”  
“Perrie and Leigh left?” Jade asks trying to sound surprised.  
Jesy rolls her eyes “Where were you?”  
“On the toilet” Jade rolls her eyes as well and looks back out of the window.  
“Half an hour?” Jesy eyes her suspiciously.   
Jade shakes her head annoyed “Jesy what do you even want from me? You don’t have to question or watch or control me… or whatever you think you’re doing, you’re not me mom!” After a moments she adds “But yes, if you really want to know, I was getting it on with that guy. Yea so go ahead and scream at me or call me senseless or a whore or whatever you wanna say, but I don’t care, it’s my life!”  
Jesy is really disappointed, she doesn’t even get angry. She just looks at Jade “Did you at least use protection?”  
Jade scoffs, when they arrive at Jade’s place and Jade gets out, Jesy falls back into her seat desperately. She just doesn’t know what to do or say, this whole ‘get distance from Perrie’ thing really seems to backfire and not be working at all. Jade is distancing, yet it is just seems to be completely counterproductive and not helping at all, quite the opposite actually, everything she does hurts Perrie a bit more. And now the two seem really distanced and just really like they are not caring anymore. How the hell can they fix this mess?  
The next week went just as those previous days, Perrie and Jade have not been talking, the only difference is now, that Jesy and Jade aren’t talking either. Jesy hasn’t told any of the girls what she has seen that night because it would only hurt Perrie more and Leigh can never keep a secret. The work is still getting done, which is fine, but nothing is really fine at all. They are distancing more and more, only Leigh is talking to Jade. Luckily, Jade has not been into any further escapades, at least one good thing, but that doesn’t really brighten the mood. The girls are just way too close friends and mean way too much to each other to not care about this breaking down of their friendship that is happening right now.  
On two days during the week Jesy has been over at Perrie’s. Jesy just sensed that Perrie could use some support. Even though she hasn’t asked Perrie about her feelings towards Jade, Perrie knows that Jesy knows and Jesy knows that Perrie knows and that is just fine. Jesy is there and can sense what Perrie is going through, but Perrie actually doesn’t have to say it because it would just be too painful and Perrie can luckily pretend that she doesn’t care about Jade and can get her mind off Jade for at least a few hours a day. Therefore, the two were just having light talks and watching some stupid TV shows over a glass of wine, while simultaneously also keeping an eye on everything Jade did. One day Jade has been out while Jesy was there, doing who knows what, but she came home early, so they weren’t too concerned and she also seemed normal when returning. Well, as normal as one can say in this situation, she didn’t speak to either of them, she just came through the door and rushed through the living room, not even given Perrie or Jesy a look, who were watching her closely. The other time she was in her room the entire evening, just coming downstairs a few times to grab something to eat or exchanging her bottle of water. Also then, Jade just slumped her way into the kitchen in her pjs, not caring to acknowledge the two who were staring at her intently.   
This situation caused Jade and Perrie’s relationship to freeze or heat up even more, however one wants to take it. Jade is sick of feeling this hostility by Jesy and Perrie and Jesy seems to add fuel to the fire every time she is there and talks badly with Perrie about Jade. Even though the two don’t seem to notice, Jade actually has been eavesdropping on the conversations the two had, like how they said “It’s just unbelievable how needy Jade is, she seems to jump on the first guy in her way?” or “Jade looked so messed up the last days”. It isn’t nice and both of them know it, but in that moment it seems like a good way to let all of their emotions out and make them feel better for a moment, uniting in this rant. But in long-term it just makes all of them feel even worse, of course, in that moment no one thinks about long-term. Therefore, it doesn’t help and just fosters more hostility on both sides. When Jesy is gone one night, Perrie walks to the bathroom, walking past Jade’s room she can’t fail to notice the cold air causing her shivers. She opens the door and sees Jade sitting by the window smoking a cigarette.  
“What the fuck are you doing? You can’t smoke in here?!” she shouts angrily.  
“That’s why the window is open” Jade points to the window calmly.  
Perrie crosses her arms in the front of her chest “This is my place and I will get into trouble if everything in here smells like smoke!”  
Jade frowns “Your place?”  
Perrie steps forward self-confident “Yes, my place”  
“Well maybe is should move out then, find myself an own place”  
Impulsively Perrie shouts back “Yes, maybe you should”  
Jade aggressively closes the window “I will then. And now get the hell out!”  
Perrie shakes her head and leaves, slamming the door shut.  
After Perrie left, both Perrie and Jade are going through exactly the same thought processes. First they shake their head angrily ‘Who the hell does she think she is?’ and then they sigh and ask themselves why they even said what they said and how all of this turned this way.  
Today Jesy is coming over a third time, but this time Jade isn’t there, it is only Perrie and her. Therefore, Jesy wants to use the chance to get a bit more insight into Perrie’s mental situation.   
“Pez… I hope you don’t mind me asking... But how are you? Like actually?”   
Perrie unconsciously grips the armrest of the couch forcefully “Ehm good” she puts on a fake smile.  
Jesy puts a hand on Perrie’s thigh “Babe… you can talk to me…”  
“I just don’t know what to say” Perrie shrugs trying not to burst into tears.  
“How about you start with how you’re feeling”  
Perrie presses her lips together “Well what do you think I am feeling like? Jade and me haven’t talked since two weeks… I don’t know how much longer I will be able to continue like this”  
Jesy squeezes her thigh and nods “Do you wanna talk about what happened?”  
Perrie notices how her heart starts to race and her body heats up “I… I can’t… you couldn’t understand…”  
Jesy looks at Perrie and seeing Perrie struggling to find words to say, she thinks about whether to tell her that she actually knows about Jade’s and hers encounter.  
“You don’t need to…” then Jesy looks down and continues slowly “I know…”  
Perrie’s head shoots up “What do you mean?”  
“I might have seen you two… in bed together the next morning” Jesy says apologizing.  
Perrie should be angry, but she just swallows and nods “Okay”  
“Okay?” Jesy looks at Perrie.  
“Yea… so you seem to know that Jade and I slept together and then the next day she just disappeared and acted like nothing happened and now we don’t talk to each other anymore” while saying this, after a few words Perrie starts to cry.  
Jesy takes her into a hug “Shhh don’t cry babe”  
“I just don’t know what to do…” Perrie looks at her with tearful eyes.  
“Have you tried talking to her?”  
Perrie looks down and sobs “She just said that it meant nothing and then she left. But I… I can’t pretend like it meant nothing… because it did mean something… for me… you don’t even have to tell me, I know how stupid I was for sleeping with my best friend for who I have feelings, but how could I possibly resist her… I just can’t wrap my head around this whole thing… she was the one who initiated it… why would she do this just to throw me away right afterwards”  
Jesy gives Perrie another hug, it angers her to hear that Jade was actually the one initiating it but she can’t show that right now “I understand… I know you don’t want to hear this and it’s really fucked up, but maybe she was just lonely and vulnerable… and yeah.. you were just there in that moment…”  
Perrie bites her lips “So you think that’s it? I was just the next best person?”  
Jesy shrugs and caresses Perrie’s back “I know it hurts, but it will get better”  
Meanwhile, as Jade has sensed how the two seemed to unite against her, she teamed up with Leigh-Anne today because she couldn’t stand Perrie and Jesy conspiring against her once again. Jade wants to have a fun time together, just that every now and then Leigh-Anne would subtly try to get a hold of what is going on between her and the others. Luckily, Jade could avoid that conversation and keep it light, as she would immediately either shut down completely or switch the topic. Because also Perrie and Jesy didn’t really tell Leigh what is going on, Leigh starts to feel really bad, like she is being left out. Why wouldn’t they tell her? Don’t they trust her? It is really disappointing and hurtful. But it is also hurting to see how her friends turn away from each other, so if they won’t tell her any time soon what is going on, then at least she has to make an attempt to reunite them. She can’t sit back and watch them breaking apart without doing something, because that would be way more hurtful than being left out. Therefore, as Leigh seems to be the only bridge between the two rivaling sides of Perrie and Jesy versus Jade, she decides that something needs to be done.   
So there they are, a few days later, on the way to a restaurant on a Wednesday night. Jesy and Perrie are in the car together, so are Leigh and Jade. Jade is mostly on the phone and Leigh is singing along to some song on the radio. In the other car the mood is a lot more serious.  
“Do you think this a good idea?” asks Perrie while staring at the road in front of her.  
“No, I don’t…” Jesy says.  
Then the two laugh because of Jesy’s directness. They talk a bit about how they don’t think that they have a lot to say to Jade and neither she to them and that a nice meal won’t fix anything, then they arrive at the restaurant.   
Jade and Leigh are already sitting inside when the two walk in. As Jade sees them, she quickly looks away, down at the table.  
“Hey” the two say neutrally, having Leigh stand up to hug them and Jade just mumbling a tired “Hello” in return.  
Jesy and Perrie slide into the booth opposite to Leigh and Jade, Perrie sits opposite to Jade and is therefore more or less forced to face her, great. It hurts though, every time she looks up, she has to look away immediately, she can’t stand that.. being met by Jade’s sad eyes and feeling this coldness between the two of them. Now that they sit there and can’t even look at each other, Perrie’s heart starts to ache. Not even three weeks ago she wouldn’t want to look away from Jade’s beautiful face for a second or miss any touch of hers and now she can barely even look at her. Also Jade sits there, this really makes her think and realize how she fucked up everything, if she just hadn’t slept with Perrie, why did she have to start this? If this one night didn’t happen, then the four would sit here laughing and she and Perrie would happily and subtly exchange some touches every now and then. But here they are, the two of them sitting there in silence and thoughts, heads down. Suddenly Jade speaks up.  
“I… I am so sorry… I don’t know how to fix this… but I can’t continue like this… I just can’t…. I know I screwed it up, but please Perrie… please.. forgive me… or at least talk to me…” she looks with teary eyes at Perrie.   
Perrie and the two other girls didn’t expect this at all. Leigh and Jesy were talking about what to order but neither Jade nor Perrie really listened to anything the two other girls were saying, when Jade suddenly spoke up. Now the three look tensed at Perrie. Perrie looks hesitantly at Jade, she doesn’t know what to say. She would like to scream ‘yes’ and hug Jade, but she knows that Jade would just hurt her again, she can’t let herself fall so easily for the brunette again. So she looks away again, opening her mouth to say something, but nothing would come out.  
“Perrie… can you please say something?” Jade looks at Perrie insecurely.  
Perrie slowly looks up from her plate again “I… don’t… I can’t… I’m so sorry, I can’t do this right now” then she jumps up and runs out of the restaurant leaving the other three girls speechless behind.  
“I’m gonna-“ Jade stands up, but Jesy shoots her a glance.  
“No, I will” then she follows Perrie.  
On the outside, Perrie stands there gasping for air while bending down a bit.  
“Pez…” she walks up to the blonde, putting a hand on her back.  
“Why… why does she have this effect on me? She can literally rip my bloody heart out and the next moment she just needs to give me a smile or look at me with those big Bambi eyes of hers and then I’m again head over heels for her and want to forgive her in a blink, just to do anything for her and make the same mistakes over and over again…?” Perrie rambles frustrated without talking a single breath.  
“I think you know the answer yourself” Jesy pats Perrie’s back.  
“You love her babe” Jesy whispers.  
Perrie sighs and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to sort herself.  
Jesy speaks up quietly “What I wanted to say before we go back inside… Leigh talked to me and I think she is right… we need to get our crap together if we don’t want to… to destroy the band. I know this comes out of the sudden, but… yeah… it’s hard but I don’t think there is another way..”  
Perrie nods.  
Jesy gives her a smile “We’ll do it together. We go back inside and try to make the best out of it. I know it isn’t easy, but it really can’t continue like this…” Jesy bites her lip and adds “But babe watch out, I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let her wrap you around her little finger again. We need to stop fighting, but you also need to… well… get some emotional distance from her, as hard as it might be. There is no other solution in long-term… but I’ll be there for you and we’ll find yourself some really hot guy.. or girl”  
“Girl” Perrie adds quickly.  
Jesy nods and hugs Perrie “That’s okay”  
They stay like this for a minute and then Jesy goes back inside. Once Perrie has stuffed her feelings back inside and found some courage, she walks back inside as well, head high. She feels the others look at her and wants to slap herself internally because she notices how her confidence starts to crumble again with each step she takes towards their table.  
“So?” Leigh looks at Perrie expecting.  
“I… I am also sorry Jade. I treated you very poorly, even though-“ while talking, Perrie bites the inside of her cheek to try to avoid the tears from falling. She does well, even though her voice is very shaky and she really has to concentrate to not look at Jade. She can feel Jade’s look on her but she can’t reciprocate the look, otherwise she would start to cry for sure “…even though I had no right… you didn’t do anything wrong… it was just me and my fe- and my pride”  
Jade frowns when she notices how Perrie stops herself from saying ‘feelings’ but she can understand. Officially Perrie has not confessed her feelings yet, still she knows that this is the reason for the whole turmoil and so does Perrie, but in Perrie’s opinion this isn’t the right moment to say it.  
Jade shakes her “No, it’s okay and it’s not your fault. It was me… I didn’t think..”  
Jesy interrupts them “Well maybe we can just note that it was a situation caused from miscommunication on both sides?”  
Perrie and Jade nod, then to Perrie’s relief the conversation takes on a different theme. Once Leigh and the other two girls start to talk about something different, she takes a moment to take a deep breath and process all of this, therefore she remains quiet and just looks down. Jade watches Perrie and notices her absentmindedness, she wonders what is going through Perrie’s head right now, but whatever it is, it must be so much harder for the blonde than for herself. If she put herself into Perrie’s shoes, she feels so bad, not only because of this deep pain she caused to Perrie by rejecting her but also because of all of her following actions, like how she attracted Pete right in front of Perrie’s eyes and how she just told her off when Perrie wanted to talk. Why didn’t she just talk to her? Everything would have been better than treating her the way she did. Then there is the way she feels guilty that Perrie cared for her so well and was there when she needed someone the most, and this was her thanks for it? Also she just feels so bad for initiating all of this in first place, because it was her and she knows it exactly, it is just so deeply unjust, she was giving Perrie hope just to take it away right afterwards. In the end, hope is a dangerous thing for women like them to have.   
She looks at Perrie and bites her lip, then she puts her hand forward, only moving it a bit just to pull it away right after. ‘Damn it Jade’ she hisses at herself. Then she takes a deep breath and slowly puts her hand forward again, placing it on top of Perrie’s. Perrie’s eyes shoot up to meet Jade’s right at the very touch of her skin against Perrie’s. She was expecting Perrie to shout at her, slap her hand away or pull hers back, but she doesn’t, therefore she gives Perrie a light smile. Perrie looks surprised at her for a moment, then goes back into thoughts. Jesy talks to Leigh-Anne and once she notices how the conversation becomes very two sided, and neither Perrie nor Jade contributed anymore, she looks to side. Right away her sight is drawn to their intertwined hands. She sinks down in her seat, there they are again: Jade charming Perrie and making her heart flutter, just to break if right afterwards, intentionally or not. She would like to say something, but she doesn’t, still she tells herself to keep an eye on them and to make sure that Perrie doesn’t fall so easily again.   
Later, Jade and Perrie already leave the restaurant while Jesy and Leigh are in the still restroom. Luckily, the night went not as horrible as everyone feared, still Perrie and Jade did barely talk to each other, while Leigh was trying to lighten the mood and Jesy drank like 4 glasses of wine. Now outside the restaurant, Perrie and Jade just stand there in silence when Perrie notices how cold it is and starts to freeze, while putting her arms around her body to keep herself warm. Jade notices it right away and quickly takes off her jacket to put it carefully on Perrie’s shoulders. She considers for one moment to start rubbing Perrie’s arms, but she figures that that would be too much so she just leaves it like that. Perrie is more than surprised by Jade’s gesture, she wants to say something but Jade just shakes her head with a light smile, so she grabs Jade’s jacket and pulls it closer to her while nodding “Thanks”. Jade gives Perrie another smile and is about to grab her hand when Leigh and Jesy come outside, quickly Jade takes a step back.  
“So can we head home now?” asks Perrie.  
Leigh nods and Jade steps forward again “I guess Perrie can take me now?” first she looks at Leigh because Leigh drove her here and then at Perrie.  
Perrie starts nodding slightly when Jesy jumps in “No way, Pez and me came here together and we will leave together” she slurs drunken.  
Jade wants to start arguing, that it doesn’t make any sense like this but she just sighs as it would be hopeless to argue with Jesy, not only in general, but especially in that state, therefore the two pairs leave exactly the way they came.  
Leigh brings Jade quickly home, while Perrie takes a bit to start driving because Jesy stands on the outside of her car being a bit breathless.  
“I just need a moment”  
“Well better take it because if you’re throwing up in my car, then I’ll kill you” she says as she leans against her car.  
After a moment Jesy opens the passenger door “Ready”.  
Perrie raises an eyebrow “You sure? Like I said if you throw up-“  
Jesy interrupts her “I’m good and stop pretending, you have already thrown up in my car twice, so don’t even tell me”  
Perrie can’t fight that so she just gets in her car and starts driving.  
After a bit, Jesy looks at Perrie.  
“I saw you”  
“What?” Perrie looks at her.  
“Like holding hands”  
“And what’s about that?” Perrie frowns.  
“Well I just gotta tell you.. be careeeefuuuul! You’re already on your best way falling for her again… always making the same mistakes”  
“Jesy, we were only holding hands for like a minute! No reason to overreact”  
Jesy shrugs “Well just watch out. You know how it goes, it always starts with holding hands and then in the next moment her hands are in your pants”  
“JESMINDA!”  
Jesy giggles “What? That’s just the truth”  
Perrie shakes her head, then there is silence for a moment until Jesy feels like saying something inappropriate again.  
“How is lesbian sex by the way? Is it just as good as everyone always pretends?” she asks casually.  
Perrie’s mouth stands wide open “JESY”  
Jesy shrugs “Well… I bet it’s overrated”  
Perrie laughs a moment then Jesy looks at her “What?”  
“Well… just let me tell you.. it’s not” she winks.  
Now Jesy’s mouth is wide open “PERRIE!”  
“So?” Jesy looks at her questioning as nothing follows.  
“So what?” Perrie raises an eyebrow.  
“You can’t just say something like that and then not elaborate”  
“I can and did” smirks Perrie.  
Jesy groans “Come on, spill some tea…” she pauses and just can’t stop the next words from coming out of her mouth “…was Jade good?”  
“Gosh Jesy… I’m definitely not answering that” and in that moment Perrie wishes that Jesy was born with a zip on her mouth.  
Jesy rolls her eyes “Then at least tell me if she liked it as well?”  
“From what I heard, I think so” says Perrie just as casually as Jesy started this whole conversation.  
“Perrie Edwards! Uh naughty naughty” Jesy gasps.  
Then Perrie already drops the more than curious Jessica Nelson off at her place before she can ask any more questions. Perrie gets out of the car with her to make sure that Jesy gets to her door safely.  
A sleepy looking Dean opens the door, then Perrie looks at him apologizing.  
“Babeee” she falls into his arms.  
He gives Perrie a confused look and then takes Jesy in.  
Perrie drives home and she is a little bit excited as what to expect. When she notices how her heart starts beating faster and how her palms get all sweaty, she shakes her head ‘NO. This is not happening’, she tells herself determined. She has to stop this, like now. She can’t forgive Jade and be all in love again so quickly. She has to stay strong, otherwise things will end just like this- Her being heartbroken. No, she has to respect herself and stop being ridiculous. Jade giving her her jacket doesn’t mean anything, every friend would’ve done that in that moment. Jade doesn’t have any feelings for her, she was just playing with her at best, and she has to move on now. Contain yourself, she tells herself before getting out of her car.  
When she get inside, she is met by a nervous Jade in the living room. She tries to remain neutral and calm, which works, at least on the outside.  
“Hey” Jade says smiling.  
“Jade…” Perrie says quietly.  
“What’s wrong?” asks Jade concerned.  
“We may have come to apologize and this hostility and hate definitely has to stop, I can’t stand that… the past weeks were just horrible, but no- not everything is all good again. I am still angry and hu-… and I don’t know what, so I can’t pretend that nothing has happened.. just now. And I don’t want to talk to you about it yet, so I would appreciate if you would give me some space for now…”  
Jade looks down, disappointed “Okay, I understand that… sorry”  
Seeing Jade looking so sad, Perrie would like to take her words back immediately and hug her, but she can’t do that. Also she is determined in her mission to not fall for her so easily again and focus on herself now. She has to, for her own good, for her mental health, so she just nods “Yes, good night then”  
Afterwards, both of them head into their bedroom, feeling down and lonely.


	22. 22- Always the same mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really thinking long how to deal and consolidate the whole Jerrie situation but as I don't want to write something that feels rushed and forced, I came up with something else. So the following story line is something I really want to write about and tell a story about. I already warned you that things will get dramatic in this story and that Jade hasn't hit her rock bottom yet... But we will be going there in the next time, so settle your seat belts and get ready for some dark stuff. But Jerrie is coming with this too, it's just a slow burn... always remember that slow things will turn out even greater in the end and we will definitely get there!
> 
> Also thanks for all your comments & kudos, like always I really appreciate it, so keep going xx

After their first ‘reunion meeting’ on Wednesday, Leigh has now dragged the three girls to a club. The days since Wednesday were already a lot better than the previous weeks, the girls spoke.. well more or less. There were no serious or private conversations, but the hostility decreased significantly. Jade and Perrie were still on distance, but at least they were talking again. Both of them were glad to have some superficial small talk during breakfast, because that was way less awkward than just sitting there in silence trying hardly to avoid eye contact. Things are not back to normal yet, well how should they? There is still so much unspoken and left open, but Leigh is dedicated to get the girls back together. And what could be better than some fun and drinks?   
“Well Jade, you’re really going for it” Leigh raises an eyebrow as Jade has finished her fourth glass already while the others have barely started their second during their little pre-drink.  
“Yeah, I’m looking forward to have a fun night” she grins already a bit tipsy.  
Perrie eyes her for a moment but doesn’t say anything, she really doesn’t want to get too drunk tonight, who knows what would happen under the influence? She still knows way too well what happened the last time she fully went for it, but this time she makes sure to know her limit to not cause another disaster. She also wanted to ditch the clubbing but Jesy insisted on her coming along.  
Finally in the club, Jade is heading to the bar and orders a round of shots for the girls. Perrie doesn’t want it, still determined to stay as sober as possible, so Jade takes hers as well. The four start dancing together, when a few guys approach the girls, they immediately get told off by the girls, except for one extremely muscular, attractive, tattooed lad who is talking to Jade. Perrie gets sick just seeing how needy Jade appears to be. She constantly caresses his arm and laughs about everything he says, it looks ridiculous to her. When Jade laughs extremely loud about something he said, Perrie just can’t hide it anymore and rolls her eyes. Jesy is carefully watching the two the entire time as well and is just as annoyed as Perrie. ‘Oh, here she goes again’, Jesy thinks looking at Jade. Leigh notices the tensed mood and becomes stressed about what to do, this is bound to end in another fight. Therefore, she dances to Jade and grabs her as they are heading to the bar.   
“Hey, what was that?” Jade protests being dragged off by Leigh.  
“Let’s get another round of shots”  
Jade frowns “Couldn’t you just have gotten them alone?”  
Leigh thinks for a moment and then decides to say what she has on mind “You know what Jade… I am really trying to resolve this fight and all the tension but you’re really giving me a hard time acting like this… this night was supposed to be about us and not about… who ever that just was”  
Jade wants to argue but then just nods “Yeah I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, Leigh-Leigh”  
“It’s fine, let’s take the drinks and go back to the girls”  
In the meantime, Jesy and Perrie are still on the floor together. Jesy knows exactly how bad and sad Perrie feels right now, Perrie can’t even hide it, so Jesy puts on a funny face, making Perrie smile. When Jade and Leigh come back, Perrie declines her shot at first but Jesy hands it to her anyways.  
“You might need it”  
Perrie nods and decides to let go off her standards, because damn right, she needs that shot right now.  
A while later, Leigh is really glad because Jade actually seems to have forgotten about that dude and the four are just dancing by themselves, laughing. For a moment the argument is out of their heads and they are just enjoying the moment. Perrie and Jade look at each other, shooting each other a glace every now and then. In the beginning they would always look away when the other noticed, but now they just smile at each other. They also dance together the whole time, not losing their eye contact and holding hands every now and then. After a bit, Perrie excuses herself to go to the bathroom.  
She just arrived in the restroom and is about to disappear into one of the stalls, when she hears an all too familiar voice.  
“Perrie”  
She turns around, a bit surprised and curious about what Jade has to say and why she would follow her.  
“Ehm I just wanted to say…” she bites her lip, struggling to come up with something to say.  
“You wanted to say what?” asks Perrie confused because Jade is just standing there swaying around awkwardly.  
“You know what… fuck it” then she grabs Perrie, pushes her against the wall and crashes her lips onto Perrie’s.  
Out of instinct, and well maybe because every single cell of her body craves this, she reciprocates the kiss for a moment. Then her brain processes the whole situation and she pushes Jade harshly away from her.  
“What the hell?” she asks angrily and out of breath.  
“I… I” Jade stutters.  
When nothing meaningful comes out of Jade’s mouth, Perrie storms out of the bathroom, angrily she thinks, ‘Jesy was so right’. She just can’t believe that Jade would do this again after all that happened, how could she be so… so.. irresponsible, how could she do this AGAIN?- Unbelievable, Perrie is out of her mind. Jade is always playing with her, why would she do this? She knows exactly how Perrie felt after their first encounter and how that ended in weeks of not talking and in an inter-group conflict, so really why does she kiss her again? She isn’t even attracted to her, so why would she initiate this? Is she really so needy or just simply cruel wanting to use her again just to drop her again and hurt her whenever she feels like it. Well maybe she is just extremely insecure and needs this as a boost of self-esteem, but again- what the actual fuck? Perrie is furious.  
Jade puts her hands on her head, she doesn’t know why she did this? She is so angry on herself, she stands there for another moment and after she notices that she can’t just disappear and go up in smoke all of the sudden, even though she would anything for that right now, she decides to go back inside. But not to the girls, she can’t face them right now. It would just be too embarrassing, too awkward, too heated.. just too much. She is also pretty sure that Jesy would most likely rip her head off.  
She walks out of the bathroom and bumps into the guy from earlier.  
“Hey babe, there you are. I was already looking for you”  
“Yea..” she mumbles.  
“Let’s go back in” he drags her behind him and once they are on the dancefloor she can already feel his hands on her body again. It disgusts her, but she doesn’t care, this is the only affection she will get in a while after what just happened, so she should happily take it. Also she is trash, so she should be happy if a guy like this wants her.   
A bit later Perrie makes her way to the bar to get the girls some more drinks, Jesy was right, she could use it. Also surprisingly she did have some fun now, she could indeed forget about Jade for some time due to the alcohol and how angry she was, also she decided that Jade wasn’t even worth thinking about anymore.  
That light mood would stop soon.  
As she walks around through the crowd, she sees Jade and the lad standing there, her arms around his neck and his arms on her lower back. They are heatedly making out and Perrie just stands there mouth open. Apparently, Jade sensed that someone is watching them, because she pauses their make out session one moment to look to the side and see an appalled Perrie.  
“Are you fucking serious?” Perrie scoffs.  
Jade looks at her, unable to say something, what could she say anyways? She has just quadrupled the badness of this situation endlessly. She could have just gone home or passed out, basically anything. But out of all the options, this was literally the worst thing she could have done and she knows it exactly. Also Perrie normally never swears unless she is extremely agitated, which she definitely is right now.  
Perrie shakes her head angrily and runs out of the club. She needs some fresh air, otherwise she might choke.   
“Sorry, excuse me for a second” Jade says to the guy and pushes him away, then she quickly follows Perrie.  
“Perrie!” she calls her and Perrie doesn’t even consider stopping, she just needs to get out of there. Eventually on the outside she leans against a wall, hoping for Jade not to have followed her or to find her, but of course, she isn’t that lucky. When she sees Jade walking towards her, she groans and wants to walk past Jade to leave again, but Jade stops her.  
“Please wait a moment, babe”  
“Don’t call me babe” Perrie points her finger, trying to contain herself.  
“Okay… I’m sorry” Jade looks down, unable to say something better and more coherent right now.  
“About what?” Perrie gesticulates wildly while shouting at Jade.  
“Ehm…” she is not able to finish her words because she is interrupted by Perrie again.  
Perrie is completely in a rush of anger right now, so she really doesn’t get to reconsider any of her words.  
“That you seduced me or that you slept with me and then pretended like nothing happened? That you ridiculed me in front of everyone by making me look like mad woman? About disappearing the next morning just to make me feel like shit? And now you’re doing it again just to then jump on the first best man crossing your way.. Honestly Jade!!! What do you want to apologize for? Because you can literally say whatever you want, I won’t give a fuck about anything you say. All just lies you use to charm people to go your way and then use them and throw them away whenever you feel like it”  
Jade struggles to take in all of Perrie’s word, her information processing speed decreased significantly due to her heavy alcohol consume.  
So Perrie just continues her rant “Honestly Jade, it’s disgusting. It’s honestly just sad how horny and needy and insecure you are. You just use everyone you can take to buzz your self-confidence. It’s embarrassing, really!”  
Jade listens to Perrie and is just speechless, she tries not to start crying right now, so she presses her lips together, she doesn’t have anything to shoot back.  
All of the sudden, Perrie throws up her hands in resignation “Why did you sleep with me? Tell me Jade, why did you have sex with me? Was I just some rebound or should I boost to you esteem?”  
Jade looks down, she has three options, she can tell Perrie about her feelings, which she is definitely not ready to and also still trying to make up with herself, so that option fades her away. Then she has two other options left, thinking of some other excuses and trying to make it bearable to Perrie which would surely lead to a discussion which she is definitely not able to have right now.. or she could just say nothing, even though she has so much to say. But this is the easiest option right now and she just always does the completely wrong thing. Therefore, she slowly shrugs and whispers “I don’t know”  
The next thing she sees is Perrie clenching her fists and breathing in some air to start a new rant but eventually Perrie just lets it out.   
“You know what Jade, this is not worth it. You’re not worth it” she decides to save her energy and gives Jade a look of pity.  
Then Perrie turns around to leave but Jade grabs her wrist.  
“Wait, Perrie!”  
“What else do you want, Jade?” Perrie practically screams at her.  
Jade has so much on her mind to say, like ‘I’m so sorry Perrie. I don’t know why I am acting this way, probably because I love you like mad and try my best to find ways to get you out of my head, but it isn’t working because all I really want is you. And I slept with you because I wanted to explore my feelings and I pushed you away because the fact that my suspicion got convinced and my feelings got even stronger just scared me so badly…’ that and so much more.  
Jade starts to stumble “Ehm…Perrie… I… sorry… I didn’t mean to… I…”  
Perrie listens for a moment to this mess that is coming out of Jade’s mouth, then she can’t take it no longer. This will lead to nothing she decides “No, cut it Jade. You can do this great: saying sorry. You never mean to… but these words don’t have any significance to me anymore, because all you do is hurting me. You’re so selfish, Jade”  
“Please listen to me Perrie”  
“No, I won’t, it would just be a waste of time and I have already wasted way too much time on you. Also look at you, you won’t get anything except for some random words and a stale sorry out. It’s tiring and I won’t accept that any longer”  
Jade looks down, she starts to get frustrated, because she knows that Perrie is right, no matter what she does, it is wrong and someone always ends up getting hurt and with everything she says or does Perrie just seems to get more and more agitated.   
“But…” she tries to interject just be shut down by Perrie again.  
“No!”  
She sighs, why can’t she just form a normal sentence and explain everything, but she just doesn’t have the guts in this moment. And somehow her brain seems to have functioning issues because she is just not able to put all of her thoughts into a coherent sentence.  
“Honestly Jade! I don’t care, go and get laid by whoever you want to, but stay away from me. You’re making me sick!” then Perrie storms away in anger.   
Jade mumbles “Perrie… wait” but Perrie doesn’t even hear it because she already disappeared in the crowd.  
Jade kicks against the wall then she notices a tap on her shoulder. She turns around and sees the lad from earlier. Normally she would push him away, but right now he seems to be the only person interested in her, therefore she puts on a lazy smile. But as it turns out, broken people always seem to attract the worst people. But honestly who cares at this point? Jade’s friends hate her and will probably never talk to her again, she messed everything up. Also she stopped caring about herself at this moment, so even if he’s a serial killer, then what’s the worst thing that could happen to a girl who is already hurt?  
“Hey”  
“I thought you could need some drink” he hands her a glass.  
Jade takes it being hopeless and frustrated. Normally she would run away and fight for her love, but she is just way too weak and numb at the moment, she doesn’t have the courage. Everything she has had, has just been torn down.  
“If you only knew…”  
Then she pours the alcohol down in one sip while the guy watches her closely.   
Meanwhile, Perrie enters the club again searching the other two girls. When she finds them, she grabs Jesy’s arm.  
“I want to go home. Now!” she demands.  
Jesy looks at her pleading “No, please… let’s stay just a bit longer. Look, I will get us another drink and then we’ll have another dance”  
Perrie really doesn’t want it, but Jade probably went home as well and Perrie is not up to meet her at home. Also, at home in silence she would just be racking her head about the encounter earlier, so she nods slightly deciding to get some more distraction before she has to face reality again. She just doesn’t want to feel anything right now.  
Just five minutes later, Jade starts to get a funny feeling. Everything around her is spinning and the ground seems to move. She clings to the wall next to her.  
The guy looks at her, concerned “What’s wrong, babe?”  
“I… I don know… i… don’t fee..l go..od” she notices how exhausting it is to speak up, she can also feel her body becoming more and more heated and tired, she really needs to grip on the wall now in order not to fall.   
Also her vision becomes more blurry and distorted, until she can barely register what is even happening around her.  
“Wha… i..i..is happni?” she asks confused.  
“Oh, don’t worry, you probably just had a few too many drinks” he laughs it off and puts his arm around Jade.  
Jade tries to push his hand away but it just feels like her arm weighs a hundred kilos and she is not able to move it. She can sense that this isn’t the alcohol. Yes, she drank much, but this definitely is not the alcohol, she starts to become scared.  
“Caa..n you br..brin…g me to me f…friens?” she slurs feeling her eyelids becoming heavier and heavier.  
“Sure” he nods and takes her with him.  
When he starts dragging her along him, she notices that she is unable to move her feet and is just being dragged along. She is sure, that if he would let go off her, then she would just sink to the ground.  
“Wha…? Whe…where we go..n?” she looks around because he takes her just in the opposite direction she was expecting him to go.  
“Don’t worry about it. I got this” he says calmly while dragging Jade along.  
Jade wants to say something but she is unable to form a word, she tries to move her lips, but it doesn’t work, all her muscles seem to have gone soft and her brain seemed to have stopped working. It is like you’re lying on the ocean and you suddenly but slowly start to drown. While you’re going down you can see and feel exactly how you’re sinking. Meter for meter. You can exactly see how the water gets darker and darker and the bright surface slowly fades away, further and further. The sunlight reflecting on the surface moves farer and farer away from you, until you’re just lost in the dark cold of the ocean. It feels like drowning until you’re so far gone that you’re not even seeing the surface anymore but you just are gone. Jade tries to fight, tries to swim, but her body and brain just don’t work, she has no chance.


	23. 23- Drowned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long, I don't know... I was just really exhausted the past week and didn't get to write a lot. Also I'm not sure whether I'm a 100% content with this, I feel like I could have done better, but I didn't want to let you wait any longer, so here you go

Jade POV

I can feel the sun kissing my skin as my eyes are closed avoiding the bright light. Summer is in the air, I can hear the sound of waves and feel a slight breeze on my skin. Everything around me feels just so peaceful and wholesome. I am here, probably at the most beautiful place on earth with the love of my life. I slightly open my eyes to grab my cocktail, when I look to the side I am met with an even more beautiful sight than the waves in front of me- I can see Perrie snoozing in the sun, looking like sleeping beauty. I can’t resist and just have to give her a kiss on her shoulder as I lean down to grab the cool glass. Perrie grins “Babe..”, just seeing her smile and being happy makes me smile as well. I can’t even believe that I am here now, being happy and healthy, not after all that happened, not after being chased by one catastrophe after the other, not after thinking my life was destined to end tragically. I now arrived at a point in my life, where I can say without a doubt that I am truly happy and fulfilled and that sometimes we just need to go through some bullshit in order to arrive in our paradise. Today I can say one thing for sure- bad times are just temporary, things will always get better, one just needs to hold on, so hold on! And I thank my lucky stars every day that Perrie gave me all the love she had and that she not just loved me but made me love myself, I’m not sure if I would still be here without her. I thank her everything and couldn’t have found anyone more special and beautiful than her and that’s why I don’t want to waste any more time. We have spent so much time fighting over really nothing and not speaking and being angry with each other just because we loved each other way too much and were too shy to admit it. When there are such strong emotions involved, like the insane love we feel for each other, things can get ugly. People say that the opposite of love is hate, but I don’t think that’s true. The opposite of love is indifference and that might be the only emotion we never felt for each other, and that also explains why love can turn into hate quickly and why things might get ugly. But there is no more ugliness, just beauty and that’s why I am planning to not waste any more time. I want to spend the rest of my life with Perrie and show her just how much I love her, because she has shown me all this time. Perrie lies in the sun sleeping calmy, but little does she know that I am going to propose to her later. I have big plans for us and especially big plans for the proposal, I just wish nothing more than being happy and enjoying life from now on. Life is way too short to be angry on each other, sometimes we just need to swallow our pride and take the first step, so that’s what I am going to do later.

*10 months earlier, back to that night* 

“Ehm has anyone seen Jade?” asked Leigh-Anne after a while.  
It was like a punch into Perrie’s stomach, she was doing so great not thinking about Jade and now Leigh brings everything back.  
“No, I didn’t” shrugged Jesy.  
Leigh nodded slightly and then looked at Perrie.  
“What about you, she went with you to the restroom, didn’t she?”  
“Ehm yea but then she just disappeared” Perrie said quickly wanting to go back to her dancing, in vain.  
Even though she didn’t want to, but she couldn’t help but look around to find Jade, just wanting to get a glimpse of her, she was so mad, yet still so desperate, she shook her head.  
“Hm okay” said Leigh then they continued dancing.  
And that was it for Perrie, now she couldn’t just dance and not think about it. Her mood was down and she was over it.  
“Well guys, it’s already quite late… I think I’m gonna head home now”  
Jesy looked at her pleading “Please..”  
“No chance” Perrie shook her head.  
“Okay well get home safely” Jesy kissed Perrie’s cheek.  
Then Perrie hugged Leigh and wished her a good night as well before leaving. She grabbed her phone to get an uber. While she stood there waiting she looked around. She suddenly felt a shiver run down her spine, she put her arms around her body, she was really cold so she started to walk a few steps. Magically her gaze was drawn towards the parking lots behind the club. Everything looked very dark and scary to be honest, but something inside her urged her to go there. If you would ask Perrie now, 8 months later, she would not be able to explain any better what that intuition was, than she could in that night. She didn’t know what it was, but every bone in her body pressed her to go there. She had a weird, an uneasy feeling all over her, but eventually she took a few insecure steps towards the barely lit backyard.   
She looked around and was not able to really see anything when she started to feel more afraid, she was about to turn around and get the hell out of there, but she couldn’t yet. Not just yet. She heard a light sound, she didn’t know what or who it was, but suddenly her commonsense stopped working and her legs just approached the source of the sound. As she walked behind some parked cars she could see a big figure hovering over something or someone on the ground. She should’ve turned around and called for help, never in a million years would she have thought that her body would act this way. It must have been what evolutionists call “fight” response because she only knew how she ran towards the dark figure and screamed “Get the fuck away”. She was even intimidated by herself, she didn’t know that she could scream so loudly and seriously, apparently she wasn’t the only one intimidated because the man quickly adjusted his pants and then ran away. She considered to chase him for a second, but then she prioritized helping the other person, also she would probably have been not able to catch up to him anyways. Therefore, this thought quickly left her mind and she approached the person on the ground. She was surprised and not surprised at the same time to see light brown curls and an all too familiar person. Of course, this sight of Jade was shocking but she doubted that she would have had this, what can be best described as psychic experience, if it was one other than the love of her life.  
“Jade, baby” she stormed to her and kneeled down next to her on the ground, her heartbeat seemed to slow down in a weird way, it was like she felt every single beat of her heart hammering against her chest and she got a strange feeling in her chest.  
Jade didn’t move.  
She shook Jade lightly becoming increasingly upset as her heartbeat accelerated a bit “What did he do to you, babe?”  
“Fuck Jade, say something!” she quickly got out of her jacket to put it on Jade who was only in a top and a skirt.  
She stroked Jade’s face, she could see some muscles twitching and Jade slightly moving, but Jade didn’t speak or seemed to be able to do any voluntary actions.  
“Jade, baby!” she whispered while she looked down her body to check on her but from what she could see in the dark there weren’t any visible injuries. It was a bit relieving but she still had this strange feeling all over her body.  
Perrie thought a moment about what to do, she shook Jade’s again lightly but as she didn’t get any reaction besides a moan, so she pulled out her phone. She was certain that this guy must have given Jade something, therefore she wanted to call authorities.   
“Don’t worry Jadey, I’ll get help”  
When she opened her phone, she could feel a hand squeezing her wrist “No poli…”  
“What?” Perrie put her phone away and looked attentive at Jade “What did you say, babe?”  
“Don’t call…” she mumbled barely audible.  
“What, are you insane?” said Perrie unbelievingly.  
“I can’t” whispered Jade exhausted, “not again” she squeezed Perrie’s hand with the minimal strength that her muscles could mobilize.  
“I… I don’t know what to say Jade, I don’t think this is a good idea” Perrie looked at Jade and shook her head.  
“Please” mumbled Jade before her minimally open eyes closed again.  
She sighed, she couldn’t let this pig get away with whatever he might have done. But on the other side, Jade didn’t want it. But what was she supposed to do? Carry Jade home, and then? What if he overdosed her, or she has really just had an alcohol intoxication. She looked up and saw a message pop up on her phone, the uber ride.  
She looked at Jade, at her phone and the uber. She closed her eyes for a moment to think and then took Jade to carry her to the car.   
“To the hospital, please” she whispered frustrated. She just hoped that Jade wouldn’t be angry.  
Then the driver took them there, Perrie carried Jade inside where she was met right away by nurses who brought a wheelchair.   
“What happened?” asked a nurse.  
“Ehm.. I think she got drugged… can we maybe do a blood test or something?”  
They nodded and went with Jade and her to a room.  
Perrie sat down next to Jade. She took Jade’s hand and squeezed it.  
“Babe” she mumbled rubbing with her other hand through her eyes. She shook her head trying to process everything that happened. It just went so fast and she was full of adrenaline. Now she was also able for the first time to truly look at Jade. She looked down at her, her clothes appeared to be a little bit messy, but maybe that was also because she carried her, Perrie wasn’t sure. When she looked further down and could see a small stain of blood running down Jade’s leg, she suddenly became very sick. Again everything went way too fast, and the next thing she knew was that she was bending over the trash can when a doctor walked in.  
“Gosh, can we help you?” he hurried towards Perrie.  
Perrie wanted to get up and walk away but her legs just gave in, the doctor put an arm around her and carried her to the chair.   
“Wait, I’ll get someone”  
“No, no, I’m fine” said Perrie, but she was just so weak that the words came out very quietly.  
Somehow Perrie must have become unconscious without her even noticing because the next thing she remembered was hearing a scream from the room next to her. She was confused for a moment, unsure of where she was and how much time had passed but she said straight in the bed quickly.  
“NO NO GET AWAY FROM ME” Jade screamed at a doctor in panic, who backed away immediately.  
Perrie quickly jumped up from where she was lying, she ripped the needle from the infusion out of her arm. Although her legs were still shaky and she almost sank down right away, she managed to hold onto the bed and make her way to the other room. Jade looked at Perrie with fear and panic in her eyes “Let’s go home now!”  
“But Jade…” Perrie tried to calm Jade down but Jade didn’t even look at her because her eyes didn’t go away from the doctor.  
“No Perrie, I want to go home” tears shot in Jade’s eyes and she got even more panicked.  
“Okay… that’s fine Jade” Perrie nodded and went to Jade. The doctor looked confused at Perrie and wanted to ask her what she was even doing here, but he didn’t even get to it because Jade was quickly out of her bed and making her way out with Perrie.  
Jade clung to Perrie as they left the hospital. It was very hard to walk for Perrie because Jade was so close to her and almost ripping her arm off but she didn’t mind. Jade was scared and if this made her feel safe, then that was okay.  
As soon as Perrie closed the front door of their house, Jade let go off her and went straight into the bathroom.  
“Jade?” Perrie knocked on the door.  
She heard no answer.  
“Jade, can you please say something?”  
Again, no answer.  
“Jade…”   
She could her a sound on the other side, so she just sighed and slid down the door, leaning against the wood to hear something from the inside of the room.  
Having her ear on the wooden door she could clearly hear heavy breathing from the other side and was pretty sure that Jade was sitting against the door from the other side.   
She just sat there and listened to every sound she could hear from the other side. This was the moment she truly got to think and process everything that happened and not be overwhelmed by it. It was a like seeing her life flashing in front of her eyes, every moment with Jade. Seeing Jade smile, hearing her laugh, looking at her while singing. Thinking about how she almost lost Jade now for the second time, her heart ached. Life could be so short, what was she waiting for? What was she hoping for? Why was she wasting all of her time and all of her future? Why would she wait and doubt and hope and be angry and fight, why would she hold back this part of her? She was not gonna waste all of her life anymore, this hoping and being silent about her feeling has to stop. NOW. Because it was not worth it to live like this. She almost lost the love of her life without even telling her, this would never make her happy, silence is never the solution. Better a broken heart from bravery than a heavy heart from drowning in despair. Why would she hide her feeling and her identity? For who, for what? This will stop now, yes Jade might hate her and she could destroy the band, but what was the point in living a lie. It wasn’t like that it could get any worse than this. She could see clearly for the first time now, this would never make her or anyone else happy, it would only destroy her and her friendship with Jade in long-term. Also the band, everything would go down eventually, there was just no easy way out, this was not an option. So why waiting for this slow deterioration? It would break down anyways, so what if it did now? Then at least she spoke the truth. That was it, she was certain, she needed to speak her truth.  
“Jade?” she spoke up confident.  
Nothing.  
“Can you please open the door?” still confident.  
She heard nothing but slow breathing.  
Then she noticed how she became increasingly upset, because with every second this took her courage seemed to fade away bit by bit and the comfort of staying silent and hiding in her cozy hole smiled at her again.  
“Jade! Open the door now!” she said way louder than planned.  
Not only Perrie was surprised by this sudden outburst, but also Jade, because not much later the lock turned and the so fragile looking girl stood in front of Perrie.  
Jade didn’t say anything, neither did Perrie, they just stared at each other. Then Perrie approached Jade, her mouth opened to say something but closed quickly again. She looked down and shook her head, then she took one deep breath and finally words seemed to come out of her mouth.  
“There’s something I need to tell you. I know this is not the right time or place, but I’m just so afraid that if I don’t tell you now I might never”  
Jade just looked at the ground, she was just being at all sea. Her mind was not even in the condition to think about in what she should act, it was just empty. She was completely overwhelmed by the situation, by Perrie, by her feelings, by her body and her brain. She just sat there listening while hardly trying to stay alive.  
“Jade, this might scare you away and that’s okay but I can’t keep it to myself anymore… I know this might be weird and…” Perrie took a deep breath and looked down at her fumbling hands “Sorry… I’m totally rambling… I… Jade… I…” she closed her eyes and eventually the words came out “love… I love… you” her speaking volume turned down with every word she said, until the last part was barely audible. By Jade’s missing reaction she deduced that Jade could not hear it.  
“Jade, I love you. And by that I don’t mean that I love you the way I love Leigh and Jesy or how you would love your friends or your mom, but the way you love…” she hissed at herself for rambling again “I mean that I’m in love with you, romantically. I love you Jade. Since quite some time now… and it’s fine if you don’t feel the same way or-“  
“Stop, Perrie!” Jade suddenly spoke up, she looked at the ground and noticed how her mouth became dry. These words just left her lips without any conscious command by her brain, so she herself didn’t know where this was going.  
Perrie was more than surprised that Jade actually said something, she looked excited at Jade who seemed to fight to find the right words to say something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, I want to say a special thank you for the amazing response I got for the last chapter. I was so happy to read your amazing and inspiring comments, this means a lot to me, so thanks guys xx


	24. 24- Tell Me You Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh you guys. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this... I feel like it's all over the place... but yeah. It's a long one tho, enjoy!

“I know” said Jade all of the sudden. To be honest, Jade was more surprised by the lacking reaction of her body than by Perrie’s confession. It was not only that she already knew that something was up, but it was that she feared the moment when Perrie would tell her because that would make everything so real. And now it was there, here was Perrie telling her how she felt and Jade just felt… nothing. She wasn’t afraid, she wasn’t feeling bad, she was just empty. It was probably due to the other circumstances of the situation, but it still felt strange. Why couldn’t she be upset or maybe happy or whatever?  
“What?” asked Perrie in disbelief.  
“I already know it” said Jade in a tone Perrie didn’t know how to interpret.  
“Uh ehm okay” said Perrie looking down. She was waiting for Jade to say something, this couldn’t be it, right? Wouldn’t she even be angry or grossed out by Perrie? Where was just some kind of reaction?  
Perrie bit her lip, this silence was killing her, so she cautiously looked at Jade and whispered “And?”  
“What and?” Jade raised an eyebrow.  
“What do you say… what do you think?”   
“Ehm… I don’t know”  
Wow. This was weird. Perrie was almost a bit disappointed. She just expected at least some form of reaction, even if it was a negative one. That would at least be some feedback, something she could work with… but this didn’t help at all, if all, it just accelerated her uneasiness and insecurity.  
“Okay…” Perrie looked down.  
Jade put her head into her hands and groaned, it seemed like now there was finally some kind of emotional reaction going on inside her. Also Perrie didn’t fail to notice this change in mood, her heartbeat sped up.  
“I… I just… I just don’t know what to say…” Jade shrugged frustrated.  
Perrie bit her lip, why did she have to bring this up? Well done, Perrie, now Jade is becoming upset just because of you, even though this was the least important thing for her at the moment, you’re just making everything worse. Great. Just great. Where is your social competence? Just any form of intuition?  
“It’s okay Jade. I’m sorry I brought it up anyways…” Perrie rubbed through her eyes “No, really… it was stupid. How can I be so insensitive… sorry I had to bother you with that”   
“No…” Jade shook her head “it was about time. It’s something that bothered you, so it is only fair to bring it up”   
Now Perrie was getting even more confused.   
“Okay?”  
“Yes, I mean Perrie you’re not insensitive for bringing it up. I already hurt you enough in the past weeks, so it was due. But I…” Jade sighed “I don’t know what to say”  
“Uh it’s okay if you don’t feel that way, I didn’t even expect anything at all. You really don’t have to-“  
Jade interrupted Perrie “No, it’s not that..”  
Okay, this was getting interesting now but Perrie was really clueless of where this was going.  
“I mean Perrie… I actually hate myself for all of this… for hurting you and… using you… and… these feelings… I’m just all over the place…”  
Did Perrie really hear this right? No, she didn’t right? She didn’t say feelings, did she? This must be some kind of wishful thinking.   
“What do you mean… feelings?” Perrie almost didn’t dare to ask it.  
Jade scoffed “I don’t know… I… no, this is stupid. Forget it”  
Perrie looked at her “No, just say what you want to say. Don’t worry”  
“Well…. Perrie… I can’t deny that I… I… I think…” this was really much harder for Jade than she thought it would be, probably mostly because it wasn’t Perrie the one that was judging her, but she herself was the one judging “…gosh… I… it’s just… I… well if I said that I haven’t considered the option that there might be some sort of feelings inside me.. then I would lie. But I also don’t know what I feel really and what I want to feel… but most importantly I also don’t want to hurt you again… so I don’t know what to do… or say”  
“So you… you…?” Perrie looked with hope in her eyes at Jade, she really had to control herself in order for her not to jump up in joy and overwhelm Jade, after she heard the part about the feelings she just ignored the rest because that was all that was occupying her mind. ‘Perrie don’t get too excited, stay calm’, she told herself.  
“Yeah… but I’m not sure… I think I need time and… I don’t know” Jade quickly looked away from Perrie after she saw the spark of hope in her eyes. She immediately regretted admitting that, because she would only end up breaking Perrie’s heart and giving her hope just to shatter it. And she just knew that she couldn’t live up to Perrie’s expectations, so maybe it would have been better to not give her something to hold on at all, that way it would have been way easier for her. She was just bad luck, she knew it. She seemed to be destined for some kind of unlucky life ending in a tragedy and she didn’t want to drag Perrie down with her.  
Perrie nodded quickly “Yes of course, I will give you all the time you need! I will wait for you, always”  
Jade sighed, this was not what she wanted because she just knew that she couldn’t make Perrie happy “No, Perrie… I don’t think that that’s a good idea”  
“Why?” Perrie frowned.  
“I’m just not good enough for you and I will never be able to give you what you need. I’m not even sure about these feelings and if I’m really into… this. You should move on find someone and become happy, because you won’t find happiness in me”  
Perrie shook her head energetically “Crap, Jade!”  
“It’s true and you know it. We could never…”  
“Jade, I know you’re at a dark place right now and things won’t become easier soon, but you’re wrong to think that you don’t deserve happiness or are not worthy or whatever. Let me tell you one thing: Your mind is wrong! You are amazing, beautiful and perfect, I know it’s hard to believe but you will get better, you need to hold on and I’ll be there for you all the way. And one day you will see some light at the end of the tunnel and then you’ll regret if you didn’t fight or try. So don’t talk like this! You’ll get better and you are absolutely freaking amazing and didn’t deserve any of this! I, of course, would die for a chance to be with you, but I won’t pressure you or anything. You need your time to heal and then we’ll see where this is going. And if it ain’t going nowhere, then that’s that… but the most important thing for me is that you’re happy… with whoever. So no pressure, no expectations. But don’t you ever give up and talk yourself down like this!”  
Jade slowly looked up at Perrie and tried holding back her tears, it was so hard to hear all of this because she knew exactly that Perrie was right, but it was just so hard, so hard to believe. So hard to fight and hold on. It is so hard to believe in yourself when you’re thinking the whole world turned against you and you hate to even look at yourself in the mirror. But sometimes it is just this one person or this one thing you need to hear in order to give you a breath of fresh air and that was Perrie for Jade.  
“Okay?” Perrie looked at Jade who slowly nodded while tears ran down her cheeks.  
Perrie leaned towards Jade to hug her, but she saw Jade holding up her hands protecting in front of her body while tensing.  
“Sorry” mumbled Jade, she felt bad, but she just couldn’t have anyone touch her right now. She knew it was Perrie and she wouldn’t do anything to her, but her basic trust in other humans had been shattered recklessly.  
“We’ll get there” Perrie pulled up one side of her lip and laid her hand with the back on the ground next to Jade to signal her that she could take her hand whenever she felt comfortable. Jade looked at Perrie’s hand and nodded.  
After some time, Jade pleaded Perrie to leave to bathroom and give her some time. Jade sat there on the floor looking at her body, she sighed. She didn’t know what to feel anymore. It was like her system has been overloaded and now all the pain just disappeared because she felt way too much pain and now everything she could feel was numbness and loneliness.. and disgust.  
Perrie sat in the living room on the couch, she felt super nervous. She was worried about Jade, why did this always have to happen to Jade? ‘Fuck it, Perrie’ she tells herself, ‘why didn’t you watch out for her? You were there? But no you had to be mean and egoistic and rather have a good time dancing while your friend was getting…’. She couldn’t believe that after the whole Jed thing, she couldn’t avoid this, even though she promised Jade to take care of her, but she failed again. Miserably. She was there… she was fucking there… and still did nothing. What a disappointment. She hated herself for this, if she could turn back time then she would… but she couldn’t, so now there was no better alternative than hating and hissing at herself for something that she couldn’t change. The human mind is truly fucked up. If it would only invest as much time in finding solutions and complimenting everything we do great like it does in overthinking and ruminating over tiny mistakes or things we can’t change, then humanity had far less problems. But things in this world sometimes just don’t make sense and aren’t fair.  
Just as Perrie was overthinking everything that happened and went through all the ways she could have avoided this, Jade was hardly trying to think about anything really… about how she should behave towards Perrie in the next time or what happened, she couldn’t. Her mind was just empty. Every time she tried to think about that night: Nothing. She just couldn’t remember anything. What was weird was that even though she couldn’t remember anything from the point on when they entered the club, her body still seemed to remember because she suddenly felt dirty and deep pain in her body. It was an odd sensation. Jade felt the urge to take a shower, she couldn’t stay like this. She turned on the water and waited for it to become hot. Suddenly she heard knocking on the door.  
“Jade! Please wait”  
Jade frowned and turned the water off.  
Then Perrie slowly opened the door “Can I come in?”  
“Yea”  
“I don’t think you should take a shower” one could see that Perrie was very upset and uncomfortable.  
“What why?”  
“I… I.. you…” Perrie stuttered unsure of what way to put this in order not to trigger Jade and cause a breakdown.  
“You know… with what happened… any traces would disappear”  
And suddenly everything was just too much and Jade hurried to the toilet to vomit. Suddenly everything became real and just with Perrie’s word she could see the guy standing smiling in front of her, she could feel his arm around her and hear him saying “It’s fine babe”. It was disgusting. It disgusted her. She wanted to rip off her skin.  
“Jade” Perrie hurried to her concerned and was about to put an arm around her but pulled her arm back before it came into touch with Jade’s skin.  
“NO!” Jade shouted into the toilet.  
“I don’t have to do this!” she added.  
“I will take a shower and then things will be alright!”   
Perrie sighed “I’m not sure things go this way…”  
“No, it has to. Otherwise, I don’t know how to…” Jade shook her head stubbornly.  
Perrie looked at Jade “He can’t get away with that” she whispered.  
Jade sobbed “No, Perrie stop!”  
“Can you tell me what… ehm… do you remember anything?” asked Perrie slowly, already fearing an extreme reaction.  
Jade shook her head again aggressively “NO NO NO”  
Perrie backed away “Okay Jade”  
“I can’t do this Perrie! I don’t want to!” Jade cried aggressively.  
“It’s okay Jade, try to breathe” she tried to demonstrate it to Jade, but there was no chance, Jade was way too upset.  
“It’s not my duty! Someone else can do that! I won’t do that again!” Jade shook her head.  
“But-“ Perrie tried to say something just to be interrupted by Jade again.  
“I don’t need to save everyone. I can’t go through this again… the police.. the gazes!”  
Perrie nodded.  
Jade continued her rant for a bit more time, even though she couldn’t remember actually what happened, she still did know that something has happened and was now actively trying to avoid facing any memories or responsibilities.  
After Jade calmed down a bit while Perrie just sat there listening to her, Perrie got up.  
“I’ll leave you alone then..” she stood up and walked slowly to the door, head down.  
Jade looked at the shower and then at Perrie “Fuck!” she bit her lip and shook her head.  
Perrie immediately turned around again and headed back to Jade.  
“But you need to be there with me, Perrie” Jade looked down, there was her bad conscience winning the better of her.  
“I will! Also you don’t need to go to the police directly. They can just do an examination and save it, so you can report it at a later point when you feel ready”  
Jade nodded, she swallowed and then got up, leaving the house with Perrie.

“Can you please undress and put all of your clothes in that bag? You can put that on” a woman pointed to some stuff in the corner of the room, then she closed the door and left Jade and Perrie alone in the room.  
“Ehm… I will just sit down there” Perrie walked towards a chair in the corner of the room and deliberately turned away from Jade, so she didn’t watch her. She just assumed that that would be uncomfortable for Jade.  
After a few minutes, the doctor came in. She started to ask some questions about the time frame and the location of which Jade could mostly answer all of them.  
“So you don’t want to report this to the police?” the woman raised an eyebrow.  
Jade shook her head while hugging her legs, she was shivering.   
The woman asked a few more questions and took a blood sample from Jade before she started to inspect Jade’s body.  
“Where did he touch you?” asked a woman in a white coat with a clipboard and a pen in her hand, while not even looking at Jade.  
“Ehm… here… I guess” Jade pointed to an imprecise spot on her body.  
“A bit more precise, please”  
“Ehm.. I’m not sure… all over my upper body I think”  
The woman nodded, she noted a few things down.  
She took some pictures of Jade’s neck and her upper body, this was one of the most humiliating and uncomfortable experiences Jade has ever had. She just felt like some foreign object to study, like a doll everyone was watching. Pictures of her were taken, all eyes were on her while she was the most vulnerable. And she was just there exposed, unable to hide, she didn’t feel safe.  
“Did he have intercourse with you?”  
“Ehm… I don’t remember” Jade looked down.  
The woman nodded, again noting something down.  
“Did you have intercourse in the days before this?”  
Jade shook her head.  
“Do you know if he used a condom?”  
“No…”  
“Do you remember where he…-“  
At some point Perrie just zoomed out, she couldn’t possibly listen to this. Listen to all the horrible questions this woman asked which Jade answered all with “I don’t know” “I can’t remember” or “I’m not sure”. It was painful. It was just as painful as seeing Jade’s face twisting in pain while the woman did the swabs. She couldn’t look at it. It just all felt so wrong and surreal. If she could’ve just jumped in front of Jade to save her from the gazes and could’ve taken her home and held her in bed, never letting go of her, she would’ve. She couldn’t remember much of the rest of the examination, the doctor gave Jade some more medication and said something, but Perrie stopped listening a long time ago. She had to, or else she would’ve gone insane.  
When they got home, Jade was an hour in the bathroom, crying? Perrie didn’t know, Jade wouldn’t open or talk to her. Then they both went to their respective bedrooms.

After break, Jade Thirlwall missing again! Will she leave the group?  
Next performance without Jade, why Little Mix is a threeway now- Pregnancy rumors  
Little Mix. More smaller Mix. How a fight parted the group  
Read everything about Little Mix’s Jade’s plans to go solo  
How long will Little Mix last? Insider told us the group is about to break up

Perrie smashed her phone on the couch after reading all of the headlines, how did they even know? They didn’t even have a performance yet. She was sitting in the living room, worrying about whether Jade read these headlines as well. After the examination yesterday, which was really hard for both of them, Jade disappeared into her room. Perrie offered her to stay the night in her room but Jade wanted some distance and time to think. And well, Perrie couldn’t force herself onto her. It was only 11 in the morning and she was already exhausted, she had to call and explain everything that happened to their manager but also to the other girls as the two hadn’t told them right afterwards. Leigh and Jesy were worried sick and wanted to come over but Perrie pleaded them not to because she was certain that it would only overwhelm Jade. The girls cried together over the phone and it was really upsetting to all of them. She was also angry at the management because they acted like it was their fault, like they provoked this and they were more worried about any headlines and financial or PR losses this would cause instead of Jade’s health. It was disgusting, she would have loved to tell them what she really felt about them, but then they probably would have fired her right away.  
She prepared some breakfast and knocked on Jade’s door. She hasn’t heard anything from Jade, she just dealt with management and all, so Jade wouldn’t have to face it.  
“Jade?”  
“Hm”   
Perrie opened the door slowly in order to not throw down the full tray she was carrying.  
“Morning. I made you breakfast” she smiled.  
Jade looked like she had still been sleeping, she opened her tired eyes and sighed “Thanks Pez, but I’m not really hungry”  
Perrie sat down on the edge of the bed “But you need to eat something, it will make you feel better”   
Jade just turned away and pulled her blanket up again.   
Perrie looked at her, it hurt to see her so lifeless.  
“Jade… if you want to talk about it..-“  
“There’s nothing to talk about” Jade shut her down.  
Perrie put the tray on the bed and then got up “Well… anyways if you wanna talk at a later point, just know that I’m there… and please eat something. Just a tiny bit”  
Then Perrie left the room, she stood at least 2 minutes in front of Jade’s room door, unable to move. This was harder than she thought. She was never so unsure of how to act towards Jade. Normally she just knew which buttons to press and how to break through her walls, but this time she just didn’t.   
“Hey” Perrie picked up her phone.  
“Hey…” she heard a sad sounding Jesy.  
“How is she?” asked Jesy.  
Perrie went to close the door of the living room and whispered as if she was afraid that anything she would say could break or trigger Jade.  
“I don’t know. She doesn’t come out of her room or talk to me”  
Jesy nodded, then she remembered that Perrie couldn’t see her. She really wanted to come over but that would probably be too much.  
“I’m just honestly so shocked… we were there” Jesy shook her head trying to not start crying.  
“I know” Perrie bit the inside of her cheek but her voice still sounded broken “I tell myself the entire time, if we didn’t have this stupid fight… none of this would’ve happened. It’s all my fault”  
“No, it isn’t”   
“Yes, it is. I didn’t tell you, but Jade and me had a fight in the restroom… and I… I was so so mean to her and that’s why she didn’t come back to us” somewhere during this sentence Perrie couldn’t contain herself anymore and the tears rushed down her cheeks.  
“No this isn’t true. Don’t blame yourself. If there’s someone to blame then it’s this guy!” argued Jesy, she wished she could hug Perrie right now.  
“If I would’ve just been there for her… she must’ve been so scared” said Perrie oblivious to what Jesy just said.  
Jesy sighed, having a hard time finding the right words “Shh babe… do you want to talk about the fight?”  
“Uh ehm… you will only get angry”  
“No, I won’t. I promise”   
“Uh well… so Jade… she ehm basically kissed me and then I got angry and pushed her away and just a few minutes later I saw her making out with… him. Then I got so angry… I didn’t even know that I could get that angry.. and I.. I told her she was disgusting and egoistic and that she wasn’t worth it and that I didn’t care… I said so many mean things… that I didn’t even mean” Perrie sobbed.  
“Wow ehm… I know it’s hard to accept right now, but that reaction was only normal. You were hurt and then people say stuff like this. Love can drive you crazy and you were just overwhelmed by emotions… you shouldn’t blame yourself. Nothing of this has in any way caused what happened”  
“But I..”  
“No. Stop telling yourself that. That doesn’t help at all, it will only make you feel shitty and we already feel shitty enough. Also you need to be strong for Jade right now. I know this is easier said than done because we’ll probably never forgive ourselves for not watching out better for her. But that’s the only way, she needs us strong. Not broken”  
Perrie nodded “Yes, you are right” and she knew that this was right. So as hard as it may be she had to try this, for Jade.  
She had to fight for Jade, she had to be there for her. She couldn’t sit crying in the living room while Jade was going through hell next door, on her own. She had to be there for her. She ended her call with Jesy and was certain of what to do, she had to be there for Jade. Now.  
Perrie entered Jade’s room determined, she was met by Jade who quickly rubbed away her tears and pretended like nothing happened.  
“Jade, I want to help you”  
Jade looked at Perrie and put on a fake smile, a tired fake smile “I’m fine. Don’t worry. I just need some time and rest”  
“No, I don’t think that this will just go away with some time and rest”  
Jade looked away, this was already getting too exhausting for her, and she was on the edge to start crying again.  
“I’ll be right back” Perrie turned around the leave the room, she returned with her blanket and cushion and some other stuff.  
Jade looked at her with a big question mark on her face.  
“Can I come into bed or should I go onto the chair?” asked Perrie normally.  
“Ehm… you.. you can come into bed, of course”  
Perrie knew exactly that Jade wasn’t particularly comfortable so she made sure to have some distance and stay on her side. She just laid down and then grabbed her phone to scroll through Instagram.  
“What??” asked Jade confused.  
“I’m staying with you. If you don’t tell me how I can help you in particular then the minimum would be to actually be there. SO here I am”  
Jade nodded, she would like to tell Perrie to get away but for sure it would be hopeless. It made her uneasy even though Perrie was on her phone and doing normal stuff. But she still felt watched and observed, like everyone was just waiting for her to break down.  
Well maybe it wasn’t the best thing to lay in bed all day and try to remember something you actually can’t and try to force yourself to feel bad because anything was better than this numbness she was feeling at the moment. It was like also she was waiting for herself to break down, she was waiting for some kind of reaction, for the memories… but they weren’t there yet. Her body was still in stress response, but once those mechanisms would back down and she would start to process, that would be when the full magnitude of the events would hit her.

He was leaning over her. He was touching her, trying to push up her top. His dirty hands were all over her body. It was like she was locked out of her own body. She could just watch what was happening out of distance. She could just watch this random guy abusing her, without being able to run away. Suddenly she felt pain, but then her consciousness faded away again.   
“Jade Jade!!”  
Jade jumped out of her skin and breathed fast.  
“Baby… you were screaming and rolling around. Was it a nightmare?”  
“No, I’m good” Jade shook her head and tried to regain composure while lying back down.  
“Babe… you don’t have to go through this alone”  
“I know” Jade said simply before turning away from Perrie.  
“I’m here if you need me, dear” said Perrie watching Jade.  
She put her hand in the middle of the bed, like in the bathroom, just providing the option for Jade to take it. She didn’t actually expect Jade to take it, but she just wanted to show her the support visually.  
Perrie was almost asleep again when she felt a small hand tangling in to hers. She couldn’t help but smile, now she could fall asleep soundly.   
The next morning, she woke up to an empty bed.   
“Jade?” she knocked on the bathroom door.  
“Can you please open”   
“I’m taking a shower”  
“I don’t hear any water”  
“I’m shaving my legs”  
“Uh okay”  
Perrie continued to stay there for some good time, but she couldn’t hear any water. Lately, Jade resorted a lot to locking herself into the bathroom. She wasn’t really comfortable with it, because she had no idea what she was actually doing inside there, but what could she do?  
Later that day, Leigh and Jesy came over. They stood at the door whispering with Perrie.  
“How is she?”  
“I don’t know honestly. She doesn’t really talk to me. She is very silent and restrained.”  
The two nodded and then entered the flat.  
They looked in the direction of Jade’s room, then Leigh indicated that she would go to her.  
Leigh knocked and opened the door. Jade laid with her back to the door, when she heard someone come in she quickly wiped away her tears and turned around.  
“Hey, how are you feeling?”  
“Oh hey, good”  
Leigh sighed, of course, this was not true but it was also a stupid question. She sat down on the edge of the bed.  
“Jesy and me came to see you. Would you like to get up and drink a tea or eat some biscuits?”  
“You shouldn’t have… you don’t have to worry about me”  
“No, we want to. We are your friends, babe”  
Jade nodded, not wanting to discuss this any further.  
“So would you like to come to the living room?”  
“Oh ehm… I’m sorry, but I don’t really feel like it…”  
Leigh nodded sympathetically “Wouldn’t you like to at least get some biscuits?”  
“I’m not really hungry”  
Leigh frowned, Jade would always eat biscuits. It was such a detail and seemingly insignificant answer, but who knew Jade, knew that if she wouldn’t want biscuits, then there had to be something seriously wrong with her.  
“Okay…”  
“Well… I’ll see you on Monday then”  
“What?” Leigh’s eyebrows shot up.  
“At work?”   
“You can’t come to work”   
“Why not?”  
Was Jade serious? Leigh wasn’t sure how she should say this, but it should be clear, shouldn’t it? Or did she miss something.  
“Ehm… because of what happened”  
“And?”  
“Well… you need a break”  
“I’m good. Like I told you, no reason to worry”  
Leigh sighed, then she just nodded and went back to the others.  
“She told me she is coming to work on Monday”  
“Well she isn’t” said Perrie quickly, protective.  
“Exactly, she can’t” agreed Leigh.  
“I’ll go talk to her” Jesy looked at the two and then walked towards Jade’s room.  
Jade almost groaned when Jesy came in, she just wanted some silence and now they would send one after the other.  
“Hello. I’m good, thank you” said Jade quickly.  
Jesy sat down on the bed, she wanted to put her hand on Jade’s arm. When Jade pulled away her arm out of reflex, Jesy looked at her and shook her head.  
“No you aren’t and that’s okay”  
Jade looked down, Jesy caught her.  
“What do you want me to say now? Do you want me to break down in tears or scream and go to the police?”  
Jesy watched Jade closely, she could look behind her façade, see how broken she was “No, I just want you to be true to yourself”  
Jade raised an eyebrow.  
“Take your time and don’t push it away”  
Jade looked down, suddenly she felt bad for being so unfriendly to Jesy even though she just wanted to help.  
“I just don’t know, Jesy… I can’t remember anything. I know something happened to me, my body feels it, but I have no memory” explained Jade while gesticulating with her hands wildly.  
Jesy just nodded listening attentively to her.  
“I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I don’t know if I should be glad or if I really would like to remember what happened. It’s just all so weird.. my body feels foreign to me”  
Again, Jesy just listened without interrupting Jade.  
“And I don’t feel anything. I just feel numb. It’s so frustrating. I feel like a lost myself”  
Jade started to tear up “What should I do, Jesy?” she cried.  
“Gosh, baby…”  
“Can I hug you?” asked Jesy carefully.  
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. But I just can’t… my body can’t…”  
Jesy nodded understanding.   
“Should I get Perrie?”  
Jade looked up, surprised that Jesy would assume that she would like to see Perrie. But she couldn’t lie, she wanted Perrie. Therefore, she couldn’t stop her head from nodding.  
Jesy gave Jade a understanding nod and then went to get Perrie.  
“Jade, is a bit upset… I think she needs you Pez”  
Perrie couldn’t lie, her heart flattered knowing that Jade would ask Jesy to get her. Knowing that Jade needed her. Knowing that she was the one in this moment for Jade.  
“Baby, what’s wrong?” asked Perrie concerned.  
“I dunno… I don’t know what’s wrong with me”  
“Babe… there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Let me tell you that”  
“Then why don’t I feel anything?”  
Perrie looked at her, she couldn’t answer that question “I think you’re just still in shock. Your body is still in shock. You need time.”  
Jade groaned ‘You need time’ how often she had heard that in the last time. It was tiring, but it was true. Time heals anything. The bad thing with time is just that you can’t influence it, you can’t make time pass faster, you can’t fast forward. You have to experience every single painful moment. It was just a fucked up concept.  
Jade shook her head, crying.   
Perrie watched Jade, she wanted to grab her and hold her.   
“I’m here…” Perrie whispered.  
In the evening, things went the same. Perrie placed her hand in the middle of the bed and after Jade made sure that Perrie was asleep, she grabbed her hand.  
The next few days passed similarly. Jade was still suffering, still uncertain, but Perrie was by her side. She was sitting next to her the entire day. With time, Jade also seemed to remember slowly some of the things. It stressed her out, her memory was still more lacking than complete, but it solved some parts of this giant puzzle. And it surely wasn’t a nice one.  
Jade had nightmares every night, she would sweat, she would turn around, she would scream. Perrie had to wake her up every night, she hated seeing Jade like this, but she was glad that she could support her through this.  
One week later and Jade left the bed for the first time. She and Perrie sat on the couch ready to watch some Netflix. Perrie scrolled through the offer, she wanted to make sure that there would be no triggers in this. Nothing involving violence, nothing involving drugs, nothing involving partying, nothing involving sex. This was harder than expected. And her scrolling through Netflix trying to find a reason why she didn’t want to watch any of the movies was also harder and more awkward than she expected. Finally, they seemed to find something that worked. After a while, the door bell rang. Jade almost fell down from the couch, that was how scared she was just because of the doorbell. It was honestly distressing for Perrie. She watched how Jade became more scared and nervous with time. More distanced, more emotional.   
After the movie, they wanted to prepare for bed. Jade was in the bathroom, some time passed without Perrie being able to hear something.   
“Jade, are you okay?”  
She could hear some sounds from inside “Ehm yea”  
Then a few seconds later the door opened and Jade came out. Perrie took a look inside the bathroom, but she couldn’t find anything unusual and just followed Jade into the bedroom. Jade already went to bed while Perrie changed into her pjs. When Jade noticed herself staring at Perrie who was changing, she quickly looked away.   
“You wanna take my hand already?” asked Perrie.  
Jade’s head shot up “What?”  
Perrie chuckled “You thought that I didn’t notice how you would take my hand secretly each night?”  
Jade blushed “So you weren’t sleeping yet?”  
Perrie grinned “I wasn’t”  
Jade looked away.  
“Don’t be shy” Perrie put her hand in the middle of the bed again. After she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, she could feel Jade’s little hand slipping into hers again, she smiled.  
“I can see you smiling” whispered Jade.  
“No, I’m sleeping”  
“You aren’t”  
Perrie slowly opened her eyes, afraid that Jade would take her hand away.  
“Busted”  
Jade firmly held onto Perrie’s hand “Thanks Pez…”  
“There’s no reason to thank me”  
“Yes, there is. You are always there for me. You don’t get sick of my whiny self. That means so much… really”  
Perrie smiled content. This were those moments that she would cherish forever.  
“I love you, Jade” after it slipped out of her mouth, she quickly put her other hand on her mouth. ‘Fuck’ she thought, why did she say this? Why did her mouth say this? Why couldn’t she control herself any better. Now she had ruined this little moment or whatever this was. Well done.  
And then something unexpected happened.  
“I love you too”   
Surely she meant this in a friendly way, right? Perrie just couldn’t avoid her hands becoming all sweaty and her heartbeat speeding up, even though she tried to tell herself that Jade didn’t mean it in that way.  
Just that she did.  
Of course, Perrie didn’t know. Maybe Jade didn’t even know it herself. But it just felt right to say it in that moment and they kind of agreed on going with whatever felt right, or? And right now her emotions were just all over the place and she finally seemed to realize that Perrie was the one for her. The one that was always there for her. The one that would hold her in a stormy night. The one that would wipe away her tears. The one that would make her heartbeat go up. The one that would cause her to blush and lose her ability to speak fluently. Just the one. It seemed like she could finally see herself in Perrie’s eyes. Sometimes it just takes one night in which the stars are standing right, one night in which there is this connection, this moment, to realize what was clear right from the beginning: She belonged to Perrie and Perrie belonged to her. Perrie was her rock, Perrie was the one that would save her. Perrie was THE one. And she had to make sure not to miss this opportunity. Not this one opportunity to bring some positivity into her life. She had to hold onto this, she had to fight for this. Fight for herself. Fight for Perrie. Fight for love. And that was what she was gonna do.  
“Perrie, I think I…”  
“You think you what?” Perrie raised an eyebrow. This was making her nervous. Her nerves were literally killing her. She could even throw up, that was how nervous she was.   
“I think I…” that was really hard to say, hard to admit. But it felt right. Did it? Suddenly the little demon inside of her tried to speak to her ‘Jade, you’ll only hurt her!’ ‘Jade, you don’t deserve her’ ‘She is way too good for her’. The longer she waited, the more her head tried to talk her out of this. It was now or never, she had to say it right now or else she would lose her courage.  
“I think I…” and there she went. One last breath and say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me too much for this ending... a bit is okay, I'd hate me too. Just not so much that you don't give me any kudos!


End file.
